[growlycat]

I’m really trying to refocus on what brings me to therapy. Yes I’m still working on the driving phobia but that is a long slog. So that continues.

One thing I’m working on and always seem to be working on is my social anxiety and trying to make friends and build relationships. I think I’m more phobic than I realized. T is away this weekend which gave me the chance to try something social on my own. I signed up for a three hour class/workshop but at the last moment I chickened out. But recently I bought tickets to an event in sept and invited two coworkers. I bought the tickets in advance to force myself to go.
It will be expensive if I chicken out.

I’m frustrated because I don’t know how any t can help me with this. I understand my history and how I got here but it’s not the same as being able to make changes.

If any of you suffer from social anxiety and making by friends how can a t actually help? If they were not helpful what did you do on your own? I’ve watched some interesting videos on YouTube about how to make friends as an adult. Halp!

[stopdog]

Volunteer, go to a book group, sign up to learn a new sport, start going to a yoga studio, go out with people after work, joining toastmasters, take an improv class....
Most of it does involve doing stuff outside one's comfort zone. Giving it time and a willingness to try different things.

[growlycat]

Thanks stopdog. I am trying to do those things but this weekend I cancelled at the last minute. I’m having trouble getting to step 1.

[atisketatasket]

Right now I am going through a hermit phase, but when I’m not and I don’t want to do something I remind myself of times when I didn’t want to do whatever social activity but did and had fun.

Do you actually enjoy these occasions? What kind of social life do you want? It’s OK to have a limited one.

[growlycat]

Thanks atat. There is a local artists/engineers/coders and craftsmen collective I’ve wanted to join. I’ve taken a couple of classes there but it is harder as a non member because someone has to let me in the building leaving me feeling like a dog at the door. The cost per year is reasonable IF I go there at least twice a month. They seem like people like me in a general sense. The drive there makes me anxious but I have done it before.

So many small things hang me up. Yes I usually am glad if I go through with something social. That hump is hard to get over. And I am someone who needs one day a week of alone time.

[stopdog]

It might be that a therapist could help you with the feeling of being like a dog at a door perception sort of thing.
Of course, I don't think I would have seen dog at the door as a negative - people are usually happy for dogs to come inside and pet and rub them and give them treats with exclamations of happiness to see them.
Or maybe that is just me with my dogs.

[growlycat]

I do love dogs. I guess I meant from the dog’s perspective, looking all sad-eyed at the door.

People there have always been friendly and let me in but they act wary as in why does this lady not have her badge? I think about it well after they do I’m sure.

Hugs growly. I've bad social anxiety too.

[maybeblue]

Social anxiety/shyness is something I unfortunately know a lot about. I have had it since I was a young child and I hate it. I ended up doing my master's thesis on it to try to understand it. I have drastically improved it since my 20's. It's still there sometimes, but it is usually manageable unless something else is going on (like depression).

I honestly don't remember how much of this actually came from a therapist, and how much from my own research and experimentation. Mostly all I really want from a therapist is empathy and understanding...I avoid the super bossy ones.

Here is what has helped me:
1. I accept that I am shy. Shyness is partly biological--study after study has proven that. This was huge for me. A lot of my anxiety was really self-hate...why am I like this. I shouldn't be like this...it's all my fault. It isn't my fault. A combination of genes and upbringing made me this way. All I can do is work with it and accept that social things are always going to be harder for me than they are for many other people. It isn't fair, but lots of people have worse things, so I just work with it.

2. Anything that helps self-esteem, helps social anxiety. An accepting and reinforcing therapist can help with this...just be giving you approval that it's ok to be you.

3. The only thing that gets me over being shy or socially anxious is repeated contact with the same people over and over. This is much easier for me in a small group or one on one. It's also easier if there is something else to focus on besides me. I like board games and crafts. I dislike big events where all you do is sit and talk and eat.

4. I learned that I can tolerate anxiety. In fact, I can tolerate a lot of anxiety. Feel afraid, but do it anyway. Anxiety really does reduce eventually if I force myself to do it. Exposure works, as much as it sucks.

5. I'm not going to be perfect. I may very well sound like an idiot when I talk to someone. When that happens I have to forgive myself, and realize that it is likely that the other person was so focused on herself that she didn't notice.

6. It helps to try to seriously focus on the other person. I push myself to stop thinking about me and my feelings and start thinking about her and her feelings. I have learned to be an awesome listener. I know how to ask open ended questions and do reflective listening and all that stuff. It makes people like me because most people love to talk about themselves.

7. Sometimes I get to choose to avoid. When something is too hard that day for whatever reason, sometimes I let myself avoid it. And then I forgive myself. I also really praise myself whenever I do something that was hard for me. I like it when therapists do that too, so I find the ones who will do that for me.

I hope that helps a little. It is one of the most difficult problems, but I promise it can get better. I am a million times less socially anxious than I was when I was younger.

[DP_2017]

For advice on how T can help....

Maybe try role play in session? He could help you with the social issues you struggle with by playing a "part"

Since you do driving work, maybe the two of you can find way to do exposure therapy for SA

Consider having him text you on days like the event you have tickets for to check in and remind you to go and have fun

Ask T if he knows of a good group for SA... I've never done one but I've heard they help

A non T idea I got from a SA group I am in, consider a Improv class, apparently it's very helpful for this type of thing.

Good luck, SA sucks. I know.

[SalingerEsme]

Do you feel you have to be "on" and put pressure on yourself? Is it more the other people seem intimidating( or exhausting)?

I think socially some good eye contact and just going with the other person's story works well. Borrow some of your T's skills and slightly mirror the other person. Try to ask questions/make a comment containing a word they used recently. Social skills are mainly giving good attention and being present- there's not much you have to do right or say right. The other person wants it to go well too, and it is very rare to meet someone who isn't overall benign and well-meaning in a social situation ( in my experience) .

Originally Posted by growlycat

I’m really trying to refocus on what brings me to therapy. Yes I’m still working on the driving phobia but that is a long slog. So that continues.

One thing I’m working on and always seem to be working on is my social anxiety and trying to make friends and build relationships. I think I’m more phobic than I realized. T is away this weekend which gave me the chance to try something social on my own. I signed up for a three hour class/workshop but at the last moment I chickened out. But recently I bought tickets to an event in sept and invited two coworkers. I bought the tickets in advance to force myself to go.
It will be expensive if I chicken out.

I’m frustrated because I don’t know how any t can help me with this. I understand my history and how I got here but it’s not the same as being able to make changes.

If any of you suffer from social anxiety and making by friends how can a t actually help? If they were not helpful what did you do on your own? I’ve watched some interesting videos on YouTube about how to make friends as an adult. Halp!

[peacelizard]

Depends on your therapist's training and what they feel comfortable with i.e. interpersonal, psychodynamic, cbt, etc. They all have their own perspectives and techniques. I ultimately did a course of cbt with a cbt therapist, not my regular one, and I found it really helpful. It was only 18 weeks, but it was a lot of work and a lot of forcing myself into situations I would normally almost always avoid. We did roleplays in his office and I had homework every week and had stuff to do in a cbt workbook. If finding a cbt therapist isn't realistic, you could try to work through a workbook on your own. When I get home from work, I can figure out the name of the one I used

[awkwardlyyours]

GC -- I don't know how specifically a therapist can help with social anxiety except perhaps to help you check your perception of how people receive you?

So, if I tell Blondie that X, Y or Z reacted in this way to me and I'll invariably pick the worst possible reason for why they did so, she'll give alternative explanations and more than a few times, I've found that she's been right and I'd just jumped to the worst motive kinda thing.

Btw, I just read this piece by NYMag's advice columnist, Heather Havrilesky writing in response to a reader and it really resonates (Warning: If you click to the article, it's got trigger-y stuff in the question sent by the reader):

Being what you are looks like this: You enter every room as a calm, neutral observer. You are average. You don’t have an agenda. Your only job is to listen and observe and offer your support. Your only job is to watch and learn and allow room for yourself, even when you don’t say a word, even when you don’t look that good, even when you seem useless. There you are, giving yourself the right to be without running or hiding or dancing. That is grace. It matters.

[ruh roh]

I like that article, AY. Thanks for sharing it. Toward the end, where Polly talks about having an open heart, I was reminded that my therapist often comes back to that same thing, which I always dismiss. To have self compassion, to soften toward myself, to cultivate an open heart. It all seems counter intuitive to living in a dangerous world full of predatory types, but she seems to think that having an open heart will make life safer for me. I'm not sure how that works, but maybe she means that I will go around feeling and acting less threatened and not be such a negativity magnet.

All of that is not exactly what you are asking about with social anxiety, gc, but maybe it's along the same lines? If so, then I think therapy can help by continuing to circle around and in toward these core issues of identity, self worth and compassion.

The other things--what I call busy work--volunteering, joining groups, etc--is another approach and can work for some. Or both, together, can help get things unstuck. But honestly, I think it's mostly an inside job that, when progress is made internally, the outside relationships more naturally happen.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread, I think. I have gone through cycles of social anxiety/withdrawal and periods where these seem almost non-existent in my whole life. Like others, I also believe it is due to a combination of inherited traits and own life experiences. I've also experimented with most of the things / cognitive exercises others described earlier, to deal with it.

I don't have much wisdom to add, just maybe a few quite ordinary things, since you are asking how therapy could potentially help. Exposure and using the T as a sort of inspiration/accountability are practical approaches that, I guess, can help if you are able to keep up with it regularly. If you are into figuring out all the details of why you have these tendencies (other than biological), I definitely benefited from lots of honest introspection and tracing back in that area. Some with Ts, but much more with friends who had similar issues - comparing our experiences, finding patterns, even the mere act of discussions provided social engagement in a form that I actually enjoyed (being interested in psychology).

If I had to name one thing that I found most helpful, it is the acknowledgment and reminders that the kind of peer social rejection I experienced in the first ~10 years of my life (~between age 4 and 10), bullying by other kids in childish and totally unreasonable ways, no longer exists. It is far past and there is no way it could ever happen to me again, no reason to fear anything similar, given that it was linked to a certain developmental period and adults do not behave that way. It is simply an impossibility now, no matter what happened a long time ago. Any similar things my mind automatically relates to the current reality are pretty much projections. It's like there is this ever-present low-grade anxiety (which I really believe is simply biochemical), a feeling, and my mind tends to project it into the environment, other people, creating many layers or "threats" that are purely imaginary. It's kinda like a sort of transference reaction.

Other things that are kinda cliche but tend to help me tremendously is good, regular self care. The way this helps is related to what was raised earlier - taking care of myself consistently(!!) alleviates insecurities and self-hatred related to both body and mind very powerfully for me. I can't ever imagine talk therapy having the same effect as it is way too simple and never addresses the many layers of physical discomfort that can underlie a lot of the social anxiety. Addressing and treating those physical things/needs can help me more than any amount of thinking and talking. I had to learn how to do these as an adult as I grew up with parents who were terrible at self-care themselves and thus dismissed my such needs as well - I did not even realize them too much until I was a grown up and experienced issues due to self-neglect. It is still a constant challenge to keep it up but I find if I take care of my physical body appropriately, I have much more confidence and motivation to go out and engage with others.

Finally, I find it helpful to discriminate between simply not having a desire to socialize and attend events at times and actual anxiety/avoidance. It's basically just takes a honest look at my thoughts and feelings, but not always easy, given that projections are often unconscious. I give myself lots of alone time and solo activities because they are essential to my well-being. And when I want private social life, I like to choose the people carefully - I prefer to socialize based on my actual solo interests, not just for the sake of being with other people, most of the time. Find people that are interesting to me - it brings the motivation to spend time with them sort of effortlessly.

[nottrustin]

I struggle with the same issues. Usually I make sure O go with somebody I know at least the first time. If it was something that I know about in advance with T we would discuss it at least briefly in sessions leading up to the appointment. Then With T if need be would emIl back and forth through the day.

Xynesthesia's post led me to think of this differently. It's possible that your struggles might be related to impulse control, at least in part. For things that are scary or emotionally taxing, the impulse to not do is stronger than the impulse to do, leading to a strong pull to not do.

A very experienced psychiatrist/therapist told me this years ago, that poor impulse control can lead to *not doing*. It didn't sink in then, but it sure does now. I wonder if you can relate?

If you've been trying for years without success, maybe think about with a new perspective--see if your therapist can help you with self discipline. Might be worth a try.

[growlycat]

I’m not very impulsive at all except yes in terms of “not doing” it does apply. I did bail out at the last minute.

Everyone’s responses are so interesting. Yes I do use t to keep me accountable but he’s not harsh with me mad be I need more firmness?

[WishfulThinker66]

Three years ago I could only do my grocery shopping at the all night market. My then pdoc met me at the market a few times during a more reasonable hour to walk around the store with me. It helped a great deal and today i don't even think about it. I am sure it was her actions that helped.

My present T has offered to come with me to a few events and situations I have been frightened of attending on my own.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I’m really trying to refocus on what brings me to therapy. Yes I’m still working on the driving phobia but that is a long slog. So that continues.

One thing I’m working on and always seem to be working on is my social anxiety and trying to make friends and build relationships. I think I’m more phobic than I realized. T is away this weekend which gave me the chance to try something social on my own. I signed up for a three hour class/workshop but at the last moment I chickened out. But recently I bought tickets to an event in sept and invited two coworkers. I bought the tickets in advance to force myself to go.
It will be expensive if I chicken out.

I’m frustrated because I don’t know how any t can help me with this. I understand my history and how I got here but it’s not the same as being able to make changes.

If any of you suffer from social anxiety and making by friends how can a t actually help? If they were not helpful what did you do on your own? I’ve watched some interesting videos on YouTube about how to make friends as an adult. Halp!

I am working on some of these issues in therapy as well, both in a general sense and also...specifically, dating. I'm a straight single woman, and wading into the dating world after a really ruinous relationship history has been a challenge, to say the least. I would not say that I have a serious issue with social anxiety all the time. Just where people are concerned. Hehehe.

I've struggled with whether or not T can help with this. I vacillate...sometimes I feel that she is doing very little...and sometimes I feel she is helping in a big way by checking in, making sure that I do carry out my plans, asking me how a specific interaction went, and questioning whether I'm paying attention to "real" signals about potential partners or whether I'm simply letting my anxiety run things. I find it difficult to be honest. Unfortunately, I have a history of whitewashing my social life and making it sound better than it is -- to myself, my co-workers and my family. I have taken the massive step to admit that I am lonely...a lot. And ironically, I find that in this, I am not alone.

I think it's really fascinating to think of my "chickening out" episodes as being about Impulse Control. I'm willing to entertain this idea and thank you for the poster who put it forward. Sometimes when I come up with a cockamamie excuse to NOT do things, I find myself really wondering: Where did THAT come in?

My T has helped me put self-care into the equation, so that when I succeed in my goal of going out to do things -- alone or in company, I can balance that out with a cozy night with my dog and a book.

I went through a period in therapy when I was taking stock of the relationships I DID have -- and discovering that they were pretty dreadful on balance. I had to take the step with my T to acknowledge that I have quite a few low-quality relationships, especially with women, who do not support me in a way that is healthy. You may know....frenemies. People who chronically cancel on me, borrow money from me as a basis for a relationship, ditch me when better offers appear, etc. These crummy relationships covered up the fact that I was pretty anxious about going out into the world to forge better ones. So I didn't. I figured that if you had a bad friend who left you waiting for a half an hour at a restaurant....you just brought a magazine and felt grateful that you had a friend at all. With my T, I learned how to insist on better treatment. Some of my connections blew up when I did this. A few of them got much, much better.

I do this weekly check-in with my T, taking stock of ALL my significant interactions. These days, I'm not processing very much in terms of recollections, but rather the therapy is taking place very much in the "here and now." I can chide myself gently when I "'chicken out" and I have someone in my corner when I try something new like a class or an event or just talking more than usual with a service person in a friendly way. I try not to be the one who cuts off a conversation that's going well. I try to be compassionate about having a hand in creating a lot of "friendships" that didn't include my needs. In some of them, I wasn't seen or heard at all.

Therapy that centers on social anxiety and building human connections can't be rare....so many people are in the same boat as I am. It's a journey. It's still frightening on a day to day basis, but it is getting better, one small step at a time.

Thanks for this thread.