Dealing with a loss

Looking for some support or advice from those who have lost a loved one who they were very close to but was also the cause of their trauma and the reason they are in therapy? My father due to his mental illness and addiction has caused me endless pain and trauma growing up. He has always been a HUGE part of my life and whilst brought me so much hurt and heartache there was also lots of love at times. He passed two weeks ago. Although our relationship had somewhat improved in recent years mainly due to my ability to remove myself when things got toxic he always remained in denial and failed to acknowledge his hurt. I am not sure where I go from here. I feel numb with some sadness most days but other than that I feel 'fine' My life was so intertwined with worrying about him I don't know how to be or who I am without that.

I went through something similar when my mother died a few years ago. I grieved not only the mother I had, but the mother I never had. Her death put to bed whatever hope I still had that she might one day be a mother to me. It was painful and difficult and still is. Only advice I have is to trust in your own grieving process and whatever feelings emerge on the way are okay.

It is very difficult. When my dad passed I not only greived his death but also the relationship we would never have. My dad walked out when I was a teenager and while he lived in our area, he was not interested in a relationship. There was also that small part of me that hope some day it might change. It was very unlikely but his death killed even a slight chance. My thoughts are with you

What you're saying about how you feel 2 weeks after a big loss sounds totally normal to me. I lost my spouse and then my father a few years ago. For me all my losses kind of chain together and form this kind of grief brick wall.

One of the things I've learned about my own grief has been that loss also opens up opportunities. The time spent in dysfunctional relationships is now available for more productive activities and relationships. Having more time and space to myself has been good for me. I've also watched my mother flourish-- they were married almost 60 years--and in the beginning she didn't have enough to fill some of her days, and now she does.

I don't know if you have projects tucked away that you haven't had time to start-- for me it was a creative endeavor-- but I found doing it was the beginning of healing for me. It also just takes a lot of time just to grieve-- for the first few months, I did little else but take care of my child and furry creatures, organize my house, and take a long nap in the afternoon. Exhaustion was part of my grief response, but now I have more energy than I did before.

It's a good time to focus on self care, whatever that means to you.

(((((Glowworm))))) just leaving you some hugs, I've lost loved ones but not my abusers, so probably can't be much help

Thanks for your reply. I have had difficulty in therapy grieving the parents I didn't have. I am wondering if this will help with that.

Thank for the hugs

Thanks for this. Yes, so much head space was taken up worrying about him and my mother. I am hoping now that some of that will be freed up. I feel like there is a heaviness that needs to be lifted somehow and released I just don't know how.

This sounds very difficult. I have been in therapy for years but seem incapable of grieving the life I would never have. I know its something I need to do just don't seem to be able to do it. Maybe this will help move me towards that.