Couch 177: I Get a Strange Magic - ELO

In the category of stupid idiot, sometimes I am far too honest with t. I should not have admitted certain feelings yesterday evening.... grrr.

I finished “Dark” on Netflix last night. Highly recommended.

I don't want to go to work today but I have to because I have a meeting with my boss that's already been rescheduled three times. I'm so sick of everything. I used to like my job. Not so much anymore. I hate myself. I don't see the point of existing anymore.

Haven't seen that yet! May check it out this weekend!

Knew you would like it!!

Artie rather than thinking you were a stupid idiot for being too honest, I would really think that you were incredibly brave to show that part of yourself. Not a criticism, but I've noticed you've been more down and harsher with yourself this week- you're making incredible progress and I hope you can see that when you're feeling a smidge better.

I binge watched it in two days- be careful Artie you might lose your entire weekend.

NP you've been through an awful lot and it makes sense you're sick of work. It's hard to focus when you're not well, but you're doing the best you can right now. Could you take some time off work and rest at home if you need to? Are you seeing T today? You just need to find something to hold on to right now.

A song for you:

"Even in the dark we can find a way out".

LT- I did read your ITS post but how is your vacation so far?

I still hear that SOB's voice telling me through words and actions and lack-of-actions how worthless I am. I can't even escape him in my dreams.

I remember one of the things my therapist said in Monday's session. He said "he damaged you." I felt so grateful that he can see that and acknowledged it out loud. We're supposed to talk this afternoon, but it'll likely only be for 10 minutes or so. I won't see him again until Wednesday which seems like an eternity right now. We really opened up a can of worms on Monday and it was really bad timing. I need him right now.

Artie you're not a stupid idiot

I'm honestly sorry I've made you feel worse.

I think you posted previously that you were together for a long time and it's still relatively early days in your therapy journey. Your T is right, abuse does cause damage. Are there any support groups nearby that you could join? Could you also ask for an email exchange over the weekend? Have you and T discussed EMDR for the nightmares?

You didn't make me feel worse. I liked the song actually. That lyric just spoke to me. Yes, we were together for about 27 years, since I was 18. I was in a support group for about a year, but quit and then she shut the group down. There aren't many in my area for some reason. I find it really hard to ask him for extras so I doubt I'll ask for anything else from him.

It was generally good, thanks! We actually got home yesterday. D had lots of fun (but was ready to leave by yesterday, which worked out), and I had lots of fun with H--well, and with D! But H and I got to go out each night since my parents watched D, so that was nice.


Went to meet D's first-grade teacher at the open house this morning--she starts school Tuesday. It was so cute--a bunch of the teachers and paraeducators were all excited to see her and said how tall she'd gotten! A couple kids there were happy to see her, too. She seems a bit of a celebrity at her school, it's heartwarming. And her new teacher seems nice.

Stop it!!

You should reread my recent treatise in romantic feelings, and my response to trailrunner. Are you sure these are not feelings of self-acceptance, self-love? And could you please send some to me?

I might... but methinks it would be better to lose my weekend in a tv show than obsessing about t stuff!!

She speculated that one of my dreams was telling me that I went Un-conscious because she was out of town last week. And that I was afraid she wouldn't come back, and she also brought up the time a couple years ago when she had a cough for a long time and I was afraid of her dying. I felt in a very young, very deep and vulnerable place while we were talking. It was hard to sit there in those feelings. I almost started to cry and she got the tissues out but I said no and I realized something - when I cry, it's because I'm NOT feeling - not because I am. Big huge light bulb there. Opposite of what I thought. I cry when I can't let myself feel but want to. And I was able to let myself feel last night. Wow.

But then sometimes I also cry once the feelings come but it's a different kind of crying.

I want to go monday now! Wah. I might still ask.....

'Fox & Friends' Host Calls Ryan Gosling An 'Idiot' For Moon Landing Comments

How DARE they call my gosling an idiot?!
Plus like 30 pics of the pretty boy
It takes so little to cheer me up

First lame excuse of the term: “I missed the first deadline because I was getting into the groove for all my courses.”

LOL. My first COBOL programming assignment was always just to write a do-nothing program, so everybody would learn how to spell "ENVIRONMENT". Even so, people would mess that up.

I will go read it thanks.

Maybe some of it was, actually and that's what was so hard? Like part of me still thinks I'm not worthy of it??

Our first homework in stats class was actually just to get the book. Several students still haven't and were taking pictures with their phones of the homework pages that's due next week... I bought mine weeks before class started so the guy next to me took pictures of my book haha probably not too legal with copyright but what ya gonna do

Artie that's a pretty big break though moment! I hope you can see her on monday.

But obviously it does take time to get into THE groove!

I'm glad you were able to decide what you wanted to do.

Awww that sounds cute. I remember my second first day of school at 7 not before that when I started reception.

How many days till you see Dr T?

Some of my students can’t afford to buy their textbooks yet because their financial aid for the semester hasn’t yet come through.