[MissCharlotte]

There are times when I feel so separate from T that it hurts. This can be both in-session and out. When this feeling of separateness happens in-session, I experience a manifestation in my body that ranges from a simple loss of words to match feeling to an out and out dissociation. Now, when I dissociate in-session, T gently brings me back. When it happens out-of-session, I talk to him in my head and I picture him in my mind's eye sitting in his chair and talking or just looking at me and affirming me.

When I was a little girl I was the outcast, the one who didn't fit in, the scapegoat in the family. Although I was pretty, outgoing, cute and loveable, I did not receive the nurturing that I needed to become whole. My father was a raging alcoholic and my mother was out to lunch--and working. She left us in the care of a grandmother who abused me. She fawned over my younger sisters. My siblings were trained to ignore me and ridicule me. That's the least of it. The patterns continue into adulthood. Despite their awareness of my son's breakdown this year, only my youngest sister ever calls to see how he is. The others do not acknowledge the situation.

Yesterday I called my sister to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I knew that if I wanted the contact I had to make the call. You would think we lived many miles apart but she's only 10 minutes away. The only other mention of the holiday came in an e-mail about 6 weeks ago. We had a wonderful conversation and we caught up on each other's lives.

However, when I woke up this morning I realized I still have a lingering sense of being on the outside looking in.

I want so much to be loved and accepted and just included. I don't want T to forget about me--to go to work or attack me in a rage. I just want to be secure in myself.

[old_one]

I know how you feel sister, i've been an outcast all my life. I've found over time that i tend to isolate, and not let anyone near, because i don't want the rejection. So i keep myself out, even when some people try to get close. As much as i want and need acceptance and love i run from it at the same time.

Hope you find what you need.

[SweetCrusader]

*safe hugs* only if wanted...

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, sister, and I know it's really hard when you feel so isolated.

I often feel (especially lately) like I'm not even really alive. I'm just watching life from behind glass. I feel so alienated from T, and everyone really. I have the same problem in therapy that you do... I sit there silent because I can't think of anything to say (or I ramble about nothing because I get uncomfortable with the silence). It drives T crazy lately.

Have you ever talked with your sister about your feeling of being on the "outside" when it came to the family? It sounds like your parents weren't probably very available to anyone. I'll bet your sister(s?) have experienced similar feelings. Maybe it would help you feel less alone if you knew they had?

I wish I had any sagely advice to offer. All I can say is I understand

[Perna]

It's harder when we carry the past uglies into the present. I feel left out in my husband's family and even feel like his family doesn't like him :-) He's the eldest sibling and I don't know if his younger brothers are in awe of him or just think he's unapproachable or what. His sons are the same way. We're always last to be invited anywhere there's going to be a family get-together. And it feels like it is assumed we'll show up (like we don't have anywhere else to go). I don't know how much of what I feel and think I see is "true" or just leftover stepchild stuff from my own family.

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks old one and Sweet Crusader.

It is not safe to discuss feelings in my family of origin.
That is part of why I am on the outside. I feel. They won't. This is my path and frankly I am glad I am the feeling one. Despite how much it hurts, at least I know I'm alive.

I am blessed with three beautiful children with whom I can be me and who feel safe to be themselves with me. I have a loving husband who listens to all of my ramblings. He is my best friend.

It is in my relationship with T that I am trying to work through these fragmented feelings and become whole. I know I can do this.

Peace.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Perna,

It sounds like you and my husband are in a similar place. I feel so safe with his family. Accepted for me. It's such a dilemma, isn't it, when trying to figure out what is old baggage vs. what is happening now?

(((Hugs)))

[_Hope_]

My family is similar to yours , in that they live minutes away and have no contact with me. I tried for years to make contact with them, In the last year or so I have given up. Everything feels so hollow. I will probably always want their love and approval but I have accepted the fact that they will never give it . You have much work ahead of you. Just know that there are people here who care and have your back in tough times.

Linda

Sister,
I hate the fact that you were treated so badly when you were young. You are such a wonderful person! You're not an outcast here! You are well-respected, a leader, compassionate, loveable and so much more. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your advice. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling whole as I feel the same. I often wonder what it will be like to feel whole, what life will be like. I'm also afraid that I will alienate my T, that he will leave, but somewhere/somehow think that he won't. I'm starting to be able to understand that my strong emotions aren't always in response to the here and now, and it sounds like you know this, too.
Until we are able to feel whole, while we still feel like we are on the outside looking in, at least we and others like us at PC can stand outside together. I'll bring some blankets and hot chocolate. And for now, we'll let the ones on the inside look out at us
Take care!

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Soliaree,

I like the image of us together on the outside looking in. We can huddle and cuddle!!!

Peace

my god sister... you could switch a few details and be talking about my life too.. scary.

my family has "secret" gatherings, reunions and such... they dont tell me because i live far away and they say i would ruin it by "complaining" about not being able to be there. They don't want me to ruin things.

yup scapegoat.. that's what T says

i am sorry it's this way for you.. i truly am. ((((sister)))

the one thing i learned that helped at all was to just give myself what i needed when i could and stopped even hoping for getting it from them... like wanting them to be proud of me, i just stopped expecting it ad tried to be proud of myself. It still hurts that they aren't proud of me... and i don't stop wanting it, but giving it to myself is better than standing there hoping and not getting.

many blessings
namaste