Really Struggling

I have been really struggling since my T left. She was always so understanding of my attachment to her and my fears of abandonment, no matter how obsessive it seemed. Until I drove by her house and broke that boundary. I still feel very ashamed of it and want to do everything in my power to never do that again if I ever have the urge to do so. I’m not sure I will ever have that urge, but I am committed to not act on it.

My struggle is that I have been meeting with new Ts and psychologists for initial sessions/intakes and the Question always somehow comes up - “What prompted your last T’s termination.” I reply saying I crossed her boundary and then they ask what I did, so I tell them, “I drove by her house”. That’s about when they tell me they don’t think they’d be the right therapist for me and then refer me to a more structured DBT program. I have been researching extensively on these programs and DBT therapists, however, most of them don’t take insurance. And the ones that do, have long waiting lists or just aren’t accepting new clients. Also, now that my attachment figure is gone, I don’t have these urges to cross her boundaries or get disregulated by something she does. I just feel detached from everything and anyone, so I don’t even know what I’d be working on in DBT. I just feel so discouraged and feel like a crazy person that none of the psychologists that I’ve met with can help me.

I wish I knew what to say that could help. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

dbt is skills building. you dont need an attachment figure to do that.


and maybe stop telling therapist you drove past ex t's house.


you can just say she felt she couldn't help you anymore (truth)

or that it was a time limited counseling through church (also true.)

I think the telling is testing. Making sure that the T can contain those desires that are hard for you yourself to contain.
Keep trying. Your find someone eventually.
I had many tries until I got this T

It must be difficult to be turned down for telling the truth but I think it is good that you are upfront. If they can't deal with your issues why wait and risk rejection later.

I think DBT would be great for helping you develop the skills to deal with your attachment issues. I know it can be difficult to find one that takes insurance but keep looking and at least get your name on the waiting list. I was lucky enough to come across one that only cost $35 a week.

I would also recommend looking for a T that uses DBT as one of their modalities. Thwy will probably be more accepting and able to work with your issues and usually have contacts to help you get your foot in the door for a DBT class. Many will teach the classes themselves and many DBT classes will require you to see a T linked to their program.

DBT classes also provide outside coaching contact with the T or facilitator to help you through those times when you are dealing with urges. I don't have attachment issues but I have gained a lot of emotional regulation coping techniques through DBT classes.

Keep looking and don't give up on yourself. The right match is out there. Just have patience.

When ex-T terminated with me, I yelled at her (didn't cuss for the record) and slammed the exit door. She told me that was why she couldn't give me any closure sessions. Pretty much everyone agreed she not only abandoned me, but she could have dealt with things better. When I went searching for a new T, I was so afraid of being judged for my reaction to the abandonment. Current T didn't judge me, but also didn't rule out that I could have anger problems. I've proven myself to T showing her that I'm not actually an angry person.

Also, I admitted to my T that I know where she lives. But I told her that if I show up at her house, she has every right to call the police on me. She agreed.

3.5 years with her and I have never acted out on anger and have never gone to her house. She trusts me.

You deserve a good relationship with a T. You just need to try to find someone who can understand what happened and lay stronger boundaries with you (i.e. clear consequences). I really do hope you find someone. And I hope you learn to forgive yourself.

Seems one likely way to get the urge again is to continue therapy. Therapy is a powerful stimulus for addictive and obsessive behaviors. The entire therapy universe pretends it's not, blaming and shaming the victims instead.

Since most therapists are apparently not ok with obsessive clients, seems you'd have to forcibly suppress the urges, or act on them covertly, in order to not be punished again, which hardly seems healthy... but what do i know.

You ARE allowed to say "I'd rather not say" when asked "what prompted your last termination?" That is a boundary you can set.

Agreed--or you could say something like, "It's too complicated to go into right now."

You don't have to tell them about your last termination, that might help you get on with a new therapist. Once you have gotten to know the new therapist you might feel the need to share. I was too quick to tell the therapist about why I was terminated right from the start and i did get turned away. Hugs

I agree with every one of zoiecat's points, and particularly this one.

Although I think you have a right to deflect from any question you want and otherwise not provide information you don't wish to share, consider how the person asking the question might perceive this approach. It's not as if it's irrelevant information, as in how can a potential T know if they could possibly provide therapy that might work if they don't know how your last therapy went wrong? And they might be very unwilling to work with someone who won't discuss it, as the person who isn't open to discussing this quite relevant experience might not be thought to be a potential client they can help. In my own line of work that is not T, I have noticed that the people who tend to be the most healthy are those who can look at their painful pasts and talk about it. Those who won't or can't is a red flag for me about how difficult the work ahead might be, and it usually turns out to be the case that it is less successful, again in different terms than T per se.

Have you considered the possibility that potential T's are not rejecting you for this sole fact of driving by your therapist's house, but instead are also paying attention to how you talk about it or what meaning you attach to it? I think it's somewhat simplistic to believe that it is about just that one fact as opposed to a larger problem that may bring into focus something about attachment or BPD or impulsivity or who knows what. Many therapists may not be equipped to deal with the extent or severity of what you bring to the table, but I agree with zoiecat also that there is someone who can.

Have you considered the possibility of taking charge of the issue rather than waiting for the therapist to ask the question. In other words, can you bring it up yourself, perhaps as the first thing you might say when you sit down, such as:

"I'm looking for a new therapist because my last one terminated me after I drove by her house. I've done a lot of thinking about how and why I did that, and I'm committed to doing therapy different this time, and I need help with figuring out how I can be close to someone without being intrusive. This is an issue for me in my social life as well, and I want to have healthier relationships with other people, including my therapist."

Methinks therapists are rejecting OP out of ignorance and self-interest, rather than training issues. They probably think a drive-by indicates some terrible affliction that requires special "treatment" (because they don't have any awareness of what therapy does to people) plus probably don't want any hassle.

At the risk of repeating myself, i think common sense dictates seeing this behavior as a somewhat natural response to the perverse see-saw of hyper-intimacy and abandonment that seems to crush many clients. I don't think it's helpful to keep pathologizing OP. How about giving a little love to the various pathologies inherent in therapy, which give rise to the same pattern of preoccupation that manifests daily on this forum.

Also OP is in a bind. Tell a new therapist what happened, most likely you will get shamed and pathologized and rejected further. Don't tell, and it's a relationship built on a lie of omission. Either way seems you end up living in fear. What a train wreck.