[Shellbe]

i have been off and on in therapy for a while....had to move alot for school so have changed some T's...all the while trying to be so aware how a T can help me to see how to help myself, yet wnating that T to save me from myself, to replace all the wounds with no scars...and, of course, i'm always disappointed and perhaps create some kind of transference situation that ends up with me feeling rejected.....

so i learned.....even if i'm in therapy, try my hardest to hold it together, try not to dissociate, try to not call even if i feel i have nothing left to hold onto in the world,
because i am just a number, filed away in the S's......
but sometimes, therapists make mistakes and i've almost trained myself to believe it's always my fault. i'm always needing too much. but my T made some suggestions/ideas with me tht she didn't keep. perhaps she lost time as well, or wanted to see what i would do if she didn't respond the way she had stated....
used to, i would have asked for help again....
this time, i did nothingn. it didn't matter anyway. she can't save me. but i wonder if it's always me that's wrong. right when we started, i said, "I hate mind games. I just want to know what's going on, why you are choosing to respond the way you are, or your thoughts beghind your words or actions..." it was that way at first, now im back to guessing. and i don't have time anymore to try to work on a T's relationship with me...i need to get my %#@&#! figured out and sometimes i am not so sure the relationship issues that come up that i say nothing about are really a real issue for me. they don't happen in my real life but then again, the only people in my real life are people who i can ask directly, "What do/did you mean by that?" What was your intent?

I don't know. I wondering if i should quit therapy altogether. Maybe it's no good for me. I know your suggestion will be to talk to T about this but i have so many other "real life" issues on my mind that i don't seem to have the time. i dissociate badly, weent to pdoc and had difficulty even staying in the room to answer questions, kept feeling myself floating, away, away, away from the holidays.
i have did and the host is gone. T knows this. i know better than to call...and right now, i'm okay. i've got myself and everyone inside me....and i have things to comfort me.

i just want to be well and at the same time, my hope is dying quickly again. if i'm crazy, just let me be compeltely crazy so at least i'll not know what exactly is going on around me. transference, probably. human relations, probably. But i can't take much more.

[Rapunzel]

Shellbe, your situation sounds a lot like some of what I have struggled with too. When you move a lot, isn't it hard to establish and maintain relationships? I gave up on having friends when I was 9 years old, and then when I was a little older, and realized that I needed friends, I didn't know how. I'm learning.

Therapy is all about relationships. It's the connection and relationship with the therapist that allows you to eventually heal. For those of us who aren't good at relationships, one of the biggest challenges is to establish a relationship with the therapist. It's really hard, especially since we're not used to trusting anyone or having relationships on more than the surface level. At least I'm not, and I'm guessing that you would also relate. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, ok? It's also by doing the things that are most challenging for us that we have the most potential to learn, grow, and heal. So that relationship is even more important for those of us who struggle with it.

I want to mention dissociating, because I do that a lot too. It's not always a bad thing to dissociate. It has helped you to cope and to survive, and not to be overwhelmed. It's just that it gets too easy and too automatic to dissociate, and if we feel threatened by someone trying to get closer to us, and we go away and don't let them reach us, then it's hard to learn that what we perceived as a threat isn't really a threat and is actually what we need. I wouldn't tell you not to dissociate, but just try to hang on a little longer and stay with it long enough to give it a try, or more of a try than you have before. I'm sure that you have been trying, or you wouldn't be this frustrated.

You're not just a number. And it's not always your fault when it seems like your T forgets something. That seems contradictory, because maybe it seems like they wouldn't forget if they really cared. But do you always remember everything when you care about someone? We all make mistakes. What happens when you remind her?

You are right, I'm going to suggest talking about this with your T. It's easier sometimes to write the things that are important to us to a bunch of strangers or people who are separated from us by distance and the internet, when those are the very things that need to be discussed openly with the person involved. You are trying not to call her, but what if you do? Has she told you what her policy is on phone calls? It is okay to need help. Sometimes it would be easier just not to know anything that's going on, but what about all the things you would miss out on? There are good things in life too.

TC,
Rap

Shellbe,
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I know what you mean about guessing your T's motives as I do the same. Sometimes I ask him directly why he asked a certain question, but a lot of the time I just automatically start wondering and the topic gets changed so I never end up asking. One thing that has helped me is to write down my thoughts in between sessions and just give it to my T. I'm sorry that I don't really have the answers, but I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.
Take care of yourself!

[Shellbe]

thanks to both of you for replying. i guess i am depressed more than i thought because i am being negative.

dissociation i don't think is such a bad thing, it's jjust when it happens in front of others.

i know to keep trying, to keep opening my mouth and try to talk......