Now "ghosting" my therapist is what´s left

Thanks. Yes, the hard part in this isn´t that I think I did something wrong but trying to understand, which I´ll probably never will, why she kept going for so long and acting like we could continue.

I often think about the good times we had, what she said, that she sometimes gave me a hug but as those parts are such things I miss thinking that way only adds to she sorrow.

Yes, I feel disempowered as I had no real saying in this abrupt ending and even if I talked to my therapist a couple of times on the phone it didn´t change anything. I told her how easy it could be to just give me say four or five sessions over a couple of months to at least wrap things up a little bit better but she never acknowledged that. In here I appreciate what you and others do, comment on my posts and try to console me a bit.

Yes, I've checked every possibility I could think of and there is a psychoanalysis society but no free of charge or low fee therapists. They charge as much as psychotherapists.

Thanks. No, I´ve searched for this for several years now and the only free of charge services are when meeting with a priest within church. Our public health care doesn´t offer longer therapies, about 10 sessions is standard unfortunately.

Thanks. Yes, as you say I think it has to do with she not being licensed and not having a routine for longer therapies and how to end them. I though still can´t understand how it can be so difficult to just tell me we were reaching the limit of 20 sessions.


But she got tangled up in this way before the 20 sessions limit, after we had had about five sessions or so she told me I could see her as long as I needed. Already at that point she went against what she knew was fact and the limit within the congregation. She told me herself she doesn´t know why but my guess is that she in some way got attached to me and I truly believe she wanted me well but couldn´t handle it all.

I agree there were parts in our contact that made me upset and made me doubt her but I had never choosen such an ending anyway. I had rather had counselling and general support on things than ending it all.

Thanks. This is very much on point. I think finding the "why:s" is central to the process and being met in the experience. It there was one and clear "why" to all this it had probably been easier to handle but missing her and wanting to know how she thinks about all this is also added to the process.

Thanks. Yes, that´s very true. Even if I logically understand, at least partly, why she did what she did it can´t cover up the wounds. As you say, feelings can never be rationalized away and it´s not possible to "jump fast forward" to a place where I don´t feel this any longer.


It took me three years to process the grief and hurt when my first therapist left me and it was something that more or less just took time. As now I didn´t have any professional to turn to and I cried for months.

Yes, when I mention the ending to my therapy my in support chats I often get very upset as most people don´t understand grief and they don´t understand it´s not just to move on. They act like acceptance is something you intellecually decide to do and they just hurt my feelings and make me feel even worse. (The chats aren´t connected to Psych central).

I also still think about if I should ghost my T or not, if I should just ignore calling her and also ignore answering if she calls me on that date we already scheduled.

Also if we force ourselves to be “strong” as judged by sub optimal others and to “move on” its likely the grief will come out in other, more harmful ways (harmful to self)

The people don’t have much of an understanding of loss, grief etc.. people who throw out platitudes like that

One thing that clarified for me after distance from a failed therapy is that it no longer mattered what ‘she’ (my therapist) thought anymore about anything. Because it was over. That took time, but it was an enormous relief once it set in.

I think for a while I took the failure on myself. If only I (fill in the blanks) things would have worked out. By disconnecting with what ‘she’ thought, it might have been ALL my fault...I might be a faulted damaged person after all. But with ‘her’ (the watcher and judger and barterer of love) gone, it didn’t matter anyway.

It was only after ‘she’ was out of the picture that I could grieve and see the damage putting so much value into what ‘she’ thought caused me. The realization was transformative. I wouldn’t have gotten there if I didn’t go through tremendous suffering, though that’s probably not a consolation as you are going through it yourself.

(Hugs)

My thoughts on ghosting... I would do it. For me, walking away was the only power I had left in an awful situation. So I used it. I’d let the phone ring and ring. Then again that’s just me.

This is why I always stayed away from those who were unable to give me space for my process to take its natural course and who didn't have enough space within themselves for my pain to be accepted and not being made into a "problem".

I usually don't mind getting a fresh perspective on my situation from someone. It's helpful to be able to see beyond the emotions because that's how we see the bigger picture. But in order for me to be receptive to that perspective when I am hurting, I absolutely need to see that the person feels compassion for my pain. And, when I say "feels compassion" I mean that they should really FEEL it, not just say to me "I get it that you are hurting, but.." When someone says this they really don't "get" it. They simply feel uncomfortable with my pain and want to tell me that a new perspective will somehow take the pain away. Anyone who believes that has zero emotional intelligence but a very big intellectual head that compensates for the lack of emotional life.

I am saying this to let you know that it's okay to set a boundary around what kind of feedback you need and what you do or don't consider supportive. When I learned to filter out those who were unable to support me the way I wanted to be supported, I spared myself a lot of additional hurt. But that's me so take it for what it's worth. You may be a different person and you may have different needs, of course.

I agree with some of iditmyway's suggestions... sort of. Partially, in terms of emotional life. However, Sarah - you previously expressed repeated concerns about being unable to get out of the depression or unemployment - those will not be resolved by deep grief and expressing feelings. I would think, okay Sarah uses this forum for grief after that messy T departure... but you did not only use this forum for grief before.

Also, your T terminated sessions unexpectedly, and you were were distraught by it. Then, now, apparently you have access to phone sessions and you did one, but express a desire to ghost the T, meaning no more phone sessions. Is that what you really want? I mean, if you ghost the T now, you might never, ever have access to discussing it with HER. That's what you wanted so badly in the first place. I know well that these things are not subject to logic, but sometimes a bit of rationality might help even in the midst of the worst emotional turmoil. I dare to post this because your own posts, Sarah, always seem respectful and quite rational. Your grief here and now is perfectly valid and probably constructive. I am just trying to ask: at the same time, are you dealing with the other very very long-term things?

Grief and reflection alone will not get you a job, for example. And I disagree with anyone saying let's take as much time as it take - you can find yourself years or decades later, still dealing with the same thing. You can find yourself at the verge of the end, really, still dealing with the same thing.

Anecdote: The dog and his bone | Inspirationz Blog

Trying to conduct a human relationship with a hard stop is just a horrible idea.

I think ghosting is too passive, as a response to failed therapy. I think writing a letter and hoping for a response just perpetuates the powerlessness. A Yelp review speaks loudly and publicly.

Yes, I´m more or less sure I´ll ghost her but I´m not so sure it´ll have any effect on her. As I´ve been the one calling her on the other two phone sessions we´ve had it´s not even sure she´ll try to ring me up. But at least I then haven´t kept "running after" her.

Thanks. Yes, I agree to what you´re saying. It´s easy to say something like "that sounds hard" or similar but it´s another when a therapist or other shows they really understand. I think it has to do with the capacity to show empathy.

As I have no one to turn to I sometimes try different support chats and most of those chats are just lousy. As they´re free of charge there are often very young people volunteering to talk to people with different kind of problems and I often end up asking them if they´re like 15 years old or why they communicate as if we were on the app "Snapchat" or "Kik".

But in the long run it only harms me, on rare occasions I find someone a bit more skilled to talk about problems and issues and then it´s worth it but mostly it isn´t. It just increases the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness.

But what I´ve learnt is that I no more engage in conversations where the support person has his or her own agenda like the only method he or she can use is MI, motivational interviewing or similar. I then back down immediately from such a conversation.

Thanks. I have already had two phone sessions with my T and as I felt I didn´t get answer to important questions although I asked them several times I feel it´s of no use to talk to her again. I brought several arguments to those phone session but my T mostly says what she did was wrong and that she doesn´t know why she acted like we could have a longer therapy.


I´ve questioned her supervisor's decision to end therapy without giving us like four or five real termination sessions, not phone sessions that is, but my therapist just refers to the session limit she exceeded. I asked her why they didn´t discuss what would happen to me as a person but there´s something more to it she doesn´t tell me. She told me last time that there is nothing more to explain and by that and because they don´t care to offer me some other counsellor or similar I think ghosting is the only thing left.

Just my 2 cents, but I think as long as you're still in contact with her, you're still 'in' this awful situation and thus unable to move forward. Though I totally get the concept of closure, I think the faster you can leave a situation that's causing you pain and transition to the next phase of your life the better! Whether you take the call, formally cancel the call or ghost her I think the contact will need to stop before you can feel the absence/loss, grieve and find a new path.

Ghosting definitely gives a strong message, though so would taking the call and getting angry and letting it out. At this point, it's deciding what would feel better for you in the long-run. Saying your peace vs just walking away.

Thanks. I won´t get a closure whatever I do as there were no real termination. Also, what bothers me is that I´m the one left out when it was me who wanted help. My therapist just goes on with her life, of course she must, but I´m stuck in this as I have no one else to turn to.


I don´t think ghosting nor talking to her will ge me peace in this, if I ghost her it might hopefully give her something to think about. I don´t know though if she more or less perhaps already expect me to ghost her as she knows about my fear of being left, which I´ve already been, and I´ve already told her what I think about all this. She knows I´m very upset about it.

I don´t think one can ever get restitution in cases like this, I now don´t mean starting a legal process but a restitution and a solution offered by the therapist her-/himself or the organization. There´s just pain.

This is just a thought, from one person who had a terrible termination to another.

What helped me the most is that I did two in-person closure sessions with a therapist I found on the internet. You’d be surprised at how effective that can be. I’m not up for starting therapy yet, or possibly ever. However, having two good sessions with a stranger gave closure to the therapy part of my life that my own therapist couldn’t have given me.

I went into these sessions with the plan that I would go in, cry it out, and once they were over, I could move on. In a way, it offered what a funeral or wake offers those who suddenly lose someone. A space to grieve and let go.

Two in person closure sessions with a paid someone sounds like a good idea. Giving space to grieve without being shut down...and not jumping into another “relationship” with a paid someone.

This is similar to a conclusion I came to just now, having been reading another thread. Thanks for putting some of what I’ve been thinking into words.
(I was told only today my posts are hard to understand for some )
(Probably at least in part because of abuse.. I learnt certain things very early on. And this is probably also hard to understand )

((( hugs )))

Yes - I was not, and am not ready to jump into a relationship with anyone new.

i made the appointments with very defined expectations on how I planned to use them and what I’d hoped to get out of them. It set the stage nicely.

The person I chose was also highly regarded and way more than I could afford to pay regularly. The Cadillac of closure sessions. He said a few very helpful things that I will never forget.

At the very least,my last memories of therapy won’t include someone who visibly hated me.

Your posts are always very clear to me Fuzzybear.

Thank you and (((hugs))).

Thanks, I don’t think I’m usually particularly unclear. Although some things are painful to write about, and I sometimes delete my words partly because of this.

Wise words.. thanks for sharing.