[LonesomeTonight]

Is your T willing to say "I care about you?" Like using those exact words? Not "I care about your success" or "I care about your well-being." But "I care about you." I'm trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from my T...

[DP_2017]

No. A boundary thing. Mine never would but then again, for me, actions speak louder than words. I don't need him to say it because I know he cares since he has shown it in many ways. That means more to me.

Therapists in general care about their clients, but some will say it some wont, kinda like hugs. Sadly therapy limits things like this.

Mine has never even said he cares about my well being or success. Nothing with the words "I care" in it... but 100% know he does.

[junkDNA]

yes... "I care about you" "I care about you very much"

I couldn't work with a t that didn't express that If they felt it

[LostOnTheTrail]

I have never heard R say those words, but:

1. She wrote the phrase 'I'm with you' on a post-it note at my request.
2. She offered a hug at the end of our final session of 2017, and has offered since. She also gave me a season's greetings card.
3. She reminds me to be kind to myself at regular intervals.

Through her actions, she demonstrates that she cares, at least during the time that we are in the same room. Also, occasionally via email.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Yes, but it wasn’t something I asked for or even expected. It was just a natural interaction between us. I already knew it though. I didn’t need the words. Actions are truly what matters.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Actions are truly what matters.

Yep. I hardly remember anything that people have said to me over the years but I remember the ways I felt they cared by things they did.

[LonesomeTonight]

I feel like for some reason I need the words. Maybe it's one of those "love languages" things, like I need words of affirmation. I know I should be able to just feel it from what someone does, but it's like that's not enough for me. I'm glad I have an H who frequently (multiple times a day) says "I love you." (I have a friend whose partner of >10 years has said "I love you" about 3 times--I couldn't deal with that).

[ElectricManatee]

Yes, quite a few times, often something like "I care about you and your growth" or "I care about you and your healing." She has certain boundaries (like I don't think she would ever say that she loves me), but I can tell that she has thought her boundaries through long before I ever showed up at her door. I do genuinely believe that she cares about me, and she knows that I care about her too.

[DP_2017]

Ya but after asking him to say it, would it really mean anything? Would you TRULY believe it? It would be like, at this point, he is saying it because it's what you want to hear... if he says it at all--but he also did tell you he cares... your well being/success is part of you. He cares that you get better, that you are happy, he cares enough to help you try to get there.

[ArtleyWilkins]

LT, my husband went through a phase of needing (and sort of demanding) he hear the words from me. It was draining and exhausting to be on the receiving end of that constant doubt and demand despite everything I said and did that clearly showed my devotion and love and affection. It really felt like a constant slap in the face, like being constantly told I was failing as a spouse despite all evidence to the contrary. It came very close to driving me away from him because it was such a beat down. He finally learned how to trust the evidence, give me credit where credit was due, and respect my own autonomy in our relationship. I’m wondering if your therapist is trying to get you to see how your actions can affect those around you.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

There's not exact translation of 'I care about you' in my language. My T has said lots of things that show he cares on some level. But never exactly that he just cares about me, and I doubt he would say it like that. He says things like 'I care about whether you get better' or that he enjoys working with me, or that he'd be sad if I were to suddenly disappear. But those things always focus on some part that is not just me as a person. The reason I think my T would not word it as caring about me personally is because that doesn't align with how he seems to see therapy. I don't think that means that he doesn't on some level care, but that he doesn't want to say it to me in that way, because that would not be beneficial for me.

[stopdog]

Both women said it. I have no idea why or what difference it was supposed to make to me. I did not hire them to care and if they for some reason decided to care, I expected them to keep it to themselves.

[DP_2017]

Spouses and therapists are not the same. He wont give the the stuff your H can
It's awesome you have a H who says ILY often. Some people never hear it from anyone. I think wanting to hear tjat or i care about you from t is expecting too much in the sense that it's his boundary and he is not comfortable with it. If he said it naturally that's one thing but pushing it is another. He's already unsure of how to handle your strong attachment properly.

[nottrustin]

I honestly dont know if T ever said that to me. She said it and expressed it in so many ways over the years that I don't doubt for a moment that she cared. For me that is more important than words.

[SummerTime12]

I think that this would bother me. My T has never outright said “I care about you,” but he’s said similar things that make me believe he does. I’m not sure exactly how to word this for it to make sense, but it would bother me less because of him not saying those words, and more because of the unwillingness to do so (unless he actually did not care about me). To me, it seems like a strange, unnecessary boundary that creates a strange power dynamic to not say something like “I care about you” if it is true. I would venture that the vast majority of Ts care about their clients. It is the nature of the job. I care about the kids I nanny for; I care about the therapy clients who I shadow ffs. I care about them as people, and to be unwilling to say that (when I do truly care), to me, feels like being dishonest in a way. Like I feel insecure about the boundaries in other areas of the T-client relationship, so I need to enforce this “I won’t say these words” boundary to make myself feel better. I really don’t know how to communicate they way I feel about this, but I’m hoping this makes a little bit of sense.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I feel like for some reason I need the words. Maybe it's one of those "love languages" things, like I need words of affirmation. I know I should be able to just feel it from what someone does, but it's like that's not enough for me. I'm glad I have an H who frequently (multiple times a day) says "I love you." (I have a friend whose partner of >10 years has said "I love you" about 3 times--I couldn't deal with that).

I'm actually kind of surprised that so many people's therapists don't say this

[junkDNA]

I mean I just assumed most therapists did idk

[DP_2017]

I was reading about this on quora where actual therapists reply. Many will not outright say it as a boundary. It can seem more personal and effect clients differently. I think it's not that common for them to outright say it. Some may. Some may not.
This t cares though. He's proved it in many ways and saying he cares about your well being is a way of saying he cares about you. Not every t will have the same boundaries but all of them have them. This is his. He should not have to say it if he has that boundary. Just know he isn't outright telling other clients either

I am just not sure even hearing it would make you believe he cares. I think the uncertainty in his style causes a lot of doubt for you. Understandably. A new t with attachment experience might be great for you. Your call of course, just suggestion

[toomanycats]

Absolutely.
There is no way I could work with a therapist who couldn't say this. I would never ever be able to be genuinely vulnerable with them.

Edit:
Actually, I need to add a stipulation...
I could never work with a therapist who I didn't KNOW cared about me. C has definitely told me he cares about me, but he's not about to put it on repeat - he wants me to trust his actions & what I know of him over anything he SAYS. It's a big contention point in our therapy, because I have often asked him to SAY things that he wouldn't say but didn't mean they weren't true.

But "I care about you" isn't one of those things.

I can certainly imagine a T having a boundary around saying "I love you," but "I care about you" seems an odd verbal boundary to have.

[DP_2017]

As summer said, most do care. It's not the best paying job and it's a lot of work. Think of all the things they hear and can't talk about to others, every week. They have to care to take on this job. Most will show it rather than say it though or say it in a way like your t.

[unaluna]

My t and i would say i love you, usually one at a time on consecutive days, and the other would respond thank you.

Eta - but - the important part was MY being able to feel and say it.

[stopdog]

I think a great many say it. I am not certain they mean it, but from what I have seen and heard, it is more usual than not for therapists to say they care, they like the client, etc. I have gotten some to cry while testifying because I suggest they do not care and more often than not, the crying therapist responds by saying they told the client they cared.
I then go on to question how their actions support that, but, the therapist does often claim to have said it.

[toomanycats]

If I can offer an example from my own therapy....

I have an ongoing terror that people are going to stop loving me if I gain weight. At more than one point, I have flat-out asked C if his feelings towards me would change if I gained a lot of weight. He flat-out refuses to answer this question. Or, worse yet, says he doesn't know.

We have bashed this point to pieces & I have almost left multiple times over it. C is VERY logical -- he says his feelings ARE likely to change, because that's the nature of feelings - My own feelings might change & depending on that, his feelings will change (if I gain a bunch of weight but am happy - he may be happier for me; if I gain a bunch of weight and hate myself, he may hurt for me).

Of course, what I'm really looking for is some sort of vital "I will still love you if you're fat." He refuses to give it not because it's not true but because he wants me to trust him. I'll go off about how I can't trust him if he won't SAY it. He'll remind me that people can say anything - words are not reliable...on and on the circle goes.

It's very hard. It leaves me in this place of "not knowing." Not knowing what will happen if I gain weight. Not knowing what he's thinking about me & my character. On and on.

[lucozader]

None of mine have ever said it.

I knew that R cared (still cares) about me. He showed it to me all the time. Towards the end of our time together, I was never questioning it at all. He didn't have to say it.

I agonised over whether C cared about me, and if he'd said it I (in particular those parts of me that really needed to feel it) would have briefly felt reassured, but I feel quite sure that it wouldn't have lasted and perhaps I would have needed to hear it over and over again and yet never really believed it. He was inconsistent with his actions and words towards me and that was what made me constantly unsure whether he cared or not.

I think there are potential good reasons for therapists not to say it, and although I usually really hate your T, LT, in this case I honestly think he is right to be thinking carefully about it. Having said that - he's already sort of said it, and if he's going to refuse to clarify it I hope he has a good explanation for you.

[chihirochild]

I voted "other" because this exact issue hasn't ever come up with any of my therapists (or at least if it has, I don't remember--I don't have an eidetic memory for sessions like you do, LT!).

On a sort-of-related note, my current T did say to me, "I like you, and I like working with you" in response to an email I sent stating that I often feel that he dislikes me. (I dunno if this matters, but the reason I sent the email was to tell him how I felt; I didn't ask him to tell me his feelings on the matter.)