Telling T you love them.....

100% agree, maybe it's part of why I wont verbalize it. Just feels meaningless.

I don't think logic has a big part to play in this.

It certainly did not feel meaningless to me. It felt good to say and hear, but in a way it already was there in the interaction, so saying it didn't change much if anything.

It's interesting that some people have a strong desire to express love to the T but just as equally strong to keep it inside/away from them. I never experienced this personally in relation to a T but I wonder if it's just a version of a general push/pull dynamic that can manifest in many different everyday relationship? I think almost everyone wants to experience some level of closeness and love but if there are internal currents going against that experience and interaction, it will of course generate these dilemmas. I had a couple of relationships like that in the past and when I look at them in retrospect, the common denominator was that they were not secure, open and fulfilling relationships. Mostly constructs with a lot of limitations and imbalance. I don't even have feelings to push and pull or even to doubt love and my relationships otherwise much but did in those ones. And I think therapy resembles those kinds of imbalanced relationships in many ways due to its intrinsic weird, unequal structure on the edges between something very personal but professionally managed. I really don't think one needs to have a host of past traumas and disorders to experience it that way and find it uncomfortable, hard to resolve the dilemmas etc. I personally refused to even get into that territory in therapy because I knew that intimacy would never work for me if not reciprocal and very open, I even lose the desire and interest if it does not have a natural flow of love and engagement, but can feel desires in bursts, if for nothing else, because it's ultimately unsatisfying. I personally would not want to express and exacerbate those desires because I don't think they are healthy for me.

^Maybe. I know being fearful avoidant that the closeness stuff terrifies me and gets me to pull away. Maybe saying it would feel "too close" and I'd have to quit. It's too much for me to handle

Logic always plays a part in my decisions. It's what I use to deal with my anxiety.

Indeed, you could just as easily call "logic" either "reflection" or "thoughtful consideration." I am not personally a fan of the kind of therapy where only emotions matter, where it's all about how I feel (I'm not sure this is what Jessica is saying). Earlier in my therapy I was kind of cut off from my emotional life, as in I thought emotions or feeling them were a waste of time and detracted from my head-work.

But now I'd say heart and mind and soul are reasonably in sync. Emotions aren't everything but they are one source of information that helps a person sort things out and make decisions.

I haven't had the experience of wanting to tell my T I love him, but I do know that there's love in the room and that's enough for me. Or I feel love in the room, or both.

I was thinking earlier.... and this isn't the huge reason that I KNOW is stopping me... but maybe the idea of verbalizing it makes it real. Right now, I can "deny" it and ignore it easier if need be. It helps me push the feelings away more often....

Kinda like how feeling I'm ugly is one thing but saying I'm ugly, adds a whole new level to it. Even though actions do speak louder than words, internally, I think words can be "scary" in a sense. Too real. Too scary. I think saying it would make me feel like "I gotta quit now, I've ruined everything."

Luckily the past few sessions there hasn't been such a strong urge, so maybe it's fading, I can only hope.