Did you ever ask your T if they dated a former client?

Nov 11, 2018, 07:10 PM

This is about self disclosure, not romantic feelings...

I was reading the APA ethics which states it's ok for a therapist to be in a relationship with a former client if 2 years has past.

Out of curiosity, I want to ask him if he's ever done this. Has anyone asked their T about this and got an answer?

DP_2017 · Nov 11, 2018, 07:11 PM

No. Mine was married for many years until recently. That's unlikely. He's only been a T a few years.

It IS ok for this to happen in pretty much every state after 2 years but most would likely never admit it anyway if they had.

stopdog · Nov 11, 2018, 07:14 PM

No. I can't imagine why I would care.

Salmon77 · Nov 11, 2018, 07:29 PM

I never thought to ask. My T has been married longer than he's been a T, so I'm sure the answer would be no.

If you ask you should probably be ready for a long discussion about why you're asking.

lucozader · Nov 11, 2018, 07:36 PM

I really, really hope (and believe) that is not something any of my Ts would do.

Nov 11, 2018, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

I really, really hope (and believe) that is not something any of my Ts would do.

Me too. I would be disappointed (but intrigued at the same time).

nottrustin · Nov 11, 2018, 09:15 PM

I could never imagine that. I also dont think I would want to see somebody who would.

Nov 11, 2018, 09:24 PM

No, its not my business. Also, my therapist has been married for twenty years and met her husband in grad school. It never would occur to me to ask something like that.

precaryous · Nov 11, 2018, 09:30 PM

The last two, absolutely.
Yes.
And I’ve asked them if they have malpractice insurance...and how much $ they are insured.

RaineD · Nov 11, 2018, 11:20 PM

No, it never occurred to me to ask such a thing. Nor would I. It seems rude.

ArtleyWilkins · Nov 12, 2018, 08:08 AM

No. One, not my business. Two, never would have crossed my mind; my therapist spoke of his own very firm boundaries concerning therapist/client relationships rather explicitly.

ElectricManatee · Nov 12, 2018, 11:11 AM

My therapist has a "once a client, always a client" policy, which means that her clients are always welcome to come back to therapy after they are "done," even if it is years later, but it also means that they will never be anything other than clients to her.

Nov 12, 2018, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

My therapist has a "once a client, always a client" policy, which means that her clients are always welcome to come back to therapy after they are "done," even if it is years later, but it also means that they will never be anything other than clients to her.

I suspected my T would be like this too, but then found out through google years later that he and his therapist had a dual relationship at one point. And I was very jealous because he was insistently blank slate with me up until recently-so if he believes in that way of practice, how could he and his own therapist be doing things outside of the frame of therapy?

Nov 12, 2018, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

No. One, not my business. Two, never would have crossed my mind; my therapist spoke of his own very firm boundaries concerning therapist/client relationships rather explicitly.

He doesn't have boundaries about my asking questions. That would probably feel controlling to me.

He certainly may have boundaries in regard to what questions he answers, but he never said what they are explicitly.

Nov 12, 2018, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

No, it never occurred to me to ask such a thing. Nor would I. It seems rude.

I think therapy doesn't hold normal social conventions, so I don't think it's rude in that context.

I doubt my T would think it's rude either. I suspect he'd be curious about why I want to know.

Argonautomobile · Nov 12, 2018, 11:29 AM

Honestly it had never occurred to me. It feels tantamount to asking, "So, by the way, are you unethical?" If I felt the need to ask, I'd probably just not see the T at all.

ElectricManatee · Nov 12, 2018, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

I suspected my T would be like this too, but then found out through google years later that he and his therapist had a dual relationship at one point. And I was very jealous because he was insistently blank slate with me up until recently-so if he believes in that way of practice, how could he and his own therapist be doing things outside of the frame of therapy?

Maybe his own therapeutic style was formed in part by what he saw as some of the pitfalls of the dual relationship he had with his therapist?

Nov 12, 2018, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Honestly it had never occurred to me. It feels tantamount to asking, "So, by the way, are you unethical?" If I felt the need to ask, I'd probably just not see the T at all.

The ethical guidelines state it's ok to do after 2 years as long as other certain conditions are considered. So, it's not asking about unethical behavior (if that's what you meant).

For me, it would be more like asking if he ever cheated on his wife.

Whalen84 · Nov 12, 2018, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

Me too. I would be disappointed (but intrigued at the same time).

😂😂 thats the best way to put it i think

Argonautomobile · Nov 12, 2018, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

The ethical guidelines state it's ok to do after 2 years as long as other certain conditions are considered. So, it's not asking about unethical behavior (if that's what you meant).

For me, it would be more like asking if he ever cheated on his wife.

Fair enough.

I'd still personally consider it extremely weird and suspect even after two years, something like a teacher who started dating a former student after they turned 18. Maybe not technically "unethical," but I think it speaks volumes about someone that they'd date a person they met in a situation of such power differential. I'd think there was either something predatory or over-enmeshed/rescuing in their personality.

So, yeah, if I felt the need to ask I just wouldn't see the T at all.

But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

Echos Myron redux · Nov 12, 2018, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Fair enough.

I'd still personally consider it extremely weird and suspect even after two years, something like a teacher who started dating a former student after they turned 18. Maybe not technically "unethical," but I think it speaks volumes about someone that they'd date a person they met in a situation of such power differential. I'd think there was either something predatory or over-enmeshed/rescuing in their personality.

So, yeah, if I felt the need to ask I just wouldn't see the T at all.

But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

Agreed. Just because something is permitted, doesn't mean it is ethical.

Nov 12, 2018, 02:23 PM

I would not want to know. I also doubt that they would admit it to a client.

feralkittymom · Nov 12, 2018, 02:34 PM

I think the intentions behind such a question may be more important than its answer. And, the APA's stance is not really that "it's OK after 2 years." It is not automatically prohibited, as it explicitly is within the first 2 years of termination. The difference in interpretation is important. There is a recognition of burden, and that such burden is on the T to prove no probable harm. Sexual involvements with former clients: A delicate balance of core values

Nov 12, 2018, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Agreed. Just because something is permitted, doesn't mean it is ethical.

I agree it's not ok for the most part and I suspect frowned upon by other Ts despite being *technically* ok in the APA ethics, but there are some grey areas such as a therapist saw a client 4 times for a short term problem and ran into them 5 years later and they started to date. (These are the types of scenarios I think that component of the ethics is designed for in my opinion.)

He is an ethical therapist (and by far in comparison to some I see here) but I also think that everyone has their skeletons and makes mistakes, especially when starting out in a career.

T is not immune to mistakes or lapses in judgement and it would be unrealistic for me to think so.

Nov 12, 2018, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Fair enough.

I'd still personally consider it extremely weird and suspect even after two years, something like a teacher who started dating a former student after they turned 18. Maybe not technically "unethical," but I think it speaks volumes about someone that they'd date a person they met in a situation of such power differential. I'd think there was either something predatory or over-enmeshed/rescuing in their personality.

So, yeah, if I felt the need to ask I just wouldn't see the T at all.

But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

I feel the same way in general, but I was thinking of all less dramatic scenarios.

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