Should my kids see a therapist without a “cause”

Hi. I was curious about getting my kids a therapist just to kinda keep tabs on their mental health while they’re growing up. Depression and anxiety runs in my family and I wonder if I’d have done better if I’d seen a therapist before my 30’s. Like what kind of decisions would I have made or not made had I recognized a defect in my thought process.
To be clear, my kids are not in any kind of crisis. They’re pretty normal. My oldest (9) is a little too whiney for his age, and my middle kid (7) is the boy with the bad temper, and my youngest (3) is a sassy girl who wants her way all the time. You know, they’re fine.
So would a mental health professional be a good idea for heading off an illness early? Or should I just wait and see?

I think 3 is too young but the others if they are seen as healthy and just learning coping tools to manage life skills and not pathological it could be good. Coping skills should be taught in school unfortunately there not. Learning these tools could help them cope with all the ups and downs of school

Hi! Welcome to PC! I think it is a good idea for maybe the older two to see a therapist. There's nothing wrong with checking in with someone in the field to see how the children are doing and to catch any warning signs. I was depressed as a child and I wish it had been caught sooner because maybe it wouldn't be as severe now. ((hugs))

Seems like the message of sending them to a therapist when they are just normal kids is "you are not okay" or "you aren't going to be okay." Seems pathologizing normal kids. I personally wouldn't do it just "in case." If the time comes when there are clear indications that they are having problems that might be helped through therapy, that's the time to take them to a therapist.

On the one hand, it's obvious that you are a caring parent...I can't think of a more important role and if we had more like you, maybe we would be in a different world right now! And heading off problems when they are small is better than full blown problems down the road. On the other hand, knowing how many wacko therapists are out there, I wonder if they're better off with just YOU!

Is your primary care provider in regular doctor's office insightful enough to flag any problems that your kids might have/are having? Is there any way to do a check in without going the whole way into ..therapy?

If you feel like your kids are doing just fine, I think going to therapy with them would be overkill. A therapist will take a while to figure out whether something is wrong. If nothing is wrong, it's a huge waste of time and resources. It's not like with a doctor where you go in and are out 15 minutes later with your blood results.
It also sends the message to your kids that you don't know how to tell whether they need help, that your family needs outside intervention. I'm not sure that's helpful.

What I'd instead suggest would be to sit each of your kids down and explain to them separately what kind of things run in your family, what it means to have depression or anxiety and how to tell whether you might struggle with it. Of course each time age appropriately. Make it clear to them that if they feel like they struggle with anything related to emotions, they can come to you. Also stress that they would not need to tell you exactly what's wrong, that you'd help them find a therapist where nothing is shared with you that they don't want. Show them you are somebody who would help. Try to tell them that they don't have to be ashamed if they have such issues.

After these conversations, check in with them from time to time. Ask how they are doing. Also, try to teach them healthy coping skills in general and how to manage emotions the way you have yourself learned in therapy. These things are helpful, even for healthy individuals.

I was an anxious kid and had panic attacks at 9, and what I know now to be OCD traits at 11.

I think at that age your relationship with each of them is the most important thing. But I watched this Brit show called super nanny, in one episode she gave one of the younger kids three faces which the child could stick on the board to show how he felt. Other things you could try would be like a "worry book" where the kids each have a note book where they can write notes to you and you can reply back to.

Maybe also create a small quiet space/ corner in the house which could just be a simple play tent with soft blankets and stuffed toys, something like this for idea:

Creating a Quiet Space for Children

My grandson's grade school offered a group like thing where they talked about different type of emotions and how to deal with some of them. I don't know everything thing that program offered. I know that they helped him understand that everyone has emotions and he talked about finding a quiet place on the playground for when he was too mad to play because it's not good to play soccer when angry (his words). You could see if the school has something like that or if you are in a large enough city, there might be a group that you could find.

Personally, I'm mixed on it. I wished my parents would have caught my issues and got me help; however, I could also see how for other kids it might send the message that you are not ok.

I agree with ChickenNoodleSoup. I am all for prevention but I would approach it differently and would not send kids who don't have any symptoms and difficulties to a therapist, especially not regularly. I would rather make sure that they have a supportive environment at home and that they can talk to you (parents) about anything and at anytime. I think that is much more likely to make a difference in how emotionally healthy they grow up to be. I also feel that forcing them to go to therapy regularly and talk about their personal things can appear intrusive. I think kids that age are not self-aware enough yet to really understand the concept of professional prevention and it might actually make them more anxious as they would be anticipating that bad things might happen. Maybe during a conversation I would explain that there is such as thing as therapy available and that they could go if they feel a need to talk to someone.

Or maybe you could take a parenting class or read a parenting book? I was trying to babysit neighbor kids at various times in my life, and i was THE WORST. Like I had no idea how to set limits, or how to be honest, because my parents had scared (and scarred?) me so badly, i had no idea what a normal child or childhood was like.

I agree with AW that it could be pathologizing. I worry everyone - you, the T, the kids themselves - would begin to look for a problem, and I find when people look for problems, they tend to find them whether they exist or not.

I also think a bad T could end up doing more harm than good. And it's hard to know at the outset if the T is bad - you kind of have to take the risk, even if it's a minuscule risk. That risk wouldn't be worth it to me if there wasn't a problem.

I'd be interested in what T's would have to say, though. I think there's an "ask a therapist" function on this and other websites.

I also think there are plenty of ways to support mental and emotional health in children which don't involve taking them to a therapist - don't invalidate their feelings/perspective, but make sure they understand others' point of view. Assure them, in words and actions, that they can reach out to you/other safe people when they have problems. Hold them accountable for what they do, but don't freak out when they fail. Help them develop an emotional vocabulary by modeling this at home. Provide them with opportunities to explore what they're good at, to improve on things they could improve on, give them happy memories and good experiences. You know, basic good-enough parenting stuff.

Here's where having a really good relationship with your pediatrician can be extremely helpful. I used the same pediatrician will all of my children. He knew us and each child literally from childbirth until they were just too old to go the the pediatrician anymore.

Pediatricians, well-trained and effective ones, are not just about colds and immunizations. They pay attention to the whole child's development: physically, mentally, educationally, and emotionally. They talk with the parents AND they talk with the child -- regularly.

When one child started displaying some anxiety issues, our pediatrician was our go-to guy. He talked to our child and it was something he was able to help us with. No therapist was needed. The situation resolved with his assistance. Another child displayed serious developmental issues and symptoms of ADHD. The pediatrician knew the steps for testing, etc. so that we could get him the resources we needed. Again, those resources didn't involve need for a therapist.

I would highly encourage you to start with talking to your children's pediatrician. If you don't have one that works that way. Find one. They are a vital support and resource.

Edited to add: My niece was a difficult child. (She's an adult now). She was prone to emotional breakdowns over the tiniest things. She was belligerent at times, etc. Back in the 1980's, they assumption was that it was a behavioral issue and therapy was needed. They tried that. It didn't work. It wasn't until she was in middle school that someone finally recognized her behavioral issues as indicative of ADHD. They got her tested, started her on a medication regimen, and viola!, her problems subsided.

She reflects on that now as an adult, and wishes her problem was recognized for the treatable condition it was earlier. It would have saved her (and her parents) a great deal of grief. Therapy was absolutely NOT what she needed.

Interestingly, she is a parent now, and her daughter is like a carbon copy of her. The fortunate part is she KNOWS what is going on and knows how to help her daughter and get her the help, when she's old enough, she needs so that her life will not be as difficult as her own was.

My point is that not everything is a therapy issue with kids. In fact, a great deal of childhood issues are often related to unrecognized and untreated ADHD, dyslexia, and other learning and developmental issues that need a more specific approach than psychotherapy. A good pediatrician will be well-versed in looking for those issues and ruling them out before pathologizing the problem into a mental disorder than requires therapy.

I am not sure it would be ethical for a therapist to work with minors on the off-chance that there might be some underlying conditions (which have never been manifest or caused any concern). Taking them to therapy won't perfect their emotional lives.

Are you in therapy? That might be a more fruitful endeavour.

I somewhat disagree with many folk here.

I applaud your consideration of this concept. Kids need trusting relationships with adults who are not their parents. Yes, yes, read a parenting book etc. etc. but it is normal and desirable for kids to not want to tell mom and dad everything that they might want to talk about.

In your situation I would step back and look at the community the kids are being raised in. Are there a lot of involved, caring adults? Aunts and uncles, nannies, teachers, coaches. Talk to those people about talking with your kids. Talk to your kids about talking to those adults if they can’t talk to you.

Some of us have bigger social support communities than others. It’s okay if you don’t have a lot of those folk in your life. If possible, I would prioritize building those relationships over therapy for now. Sign the kids up for soccer or karate or the big brother/big sister program. Get them out socially and interacting with peers and adults while not under your nose (as developmentally appropriate).

If that doesn’t work or isn’t possible I do not think it’s a bad thing to try therapy and that gives you a great way to talk about how there is nothing shameful about therapy, that some people do it to feel better and some people do it to help them not feel bad.

There are therapists specifically trained to work with children

I too would be concerned that therapy might pathologize developmentally normal behaviors.

I smiled when I read your description of your children because developmentally, the challenges they're each facing (whining, temper, "sass" ) sound age-normal. It's really about teaching at each stage how to recognize and meet needs for things like self-advocacy, impulse control, independence in more appropriate ways.

Focusing on teaching and developing those coping skills in their natural environments, which for kids their ages are home and school, is likely going to serve them best in the long run. It might be more effective for you to have a conversation with a children's therapist or parenting support person to learn how to best foster healthy development and what to watch for, so that you can continue to help the kids learn and thrive.

Oh man, if I had kids I would not let them anywhere near therapists or the mental health system. Have seen such carnage in the adult client-base, I shudder to think what could happen with impressionable kids. Plus getting them habituated could set them up for lifelong dependency. The whole mainstream healthcare system is a freaking bloodbath, and I can't even imagine subjecting a child to it.

Yes, of course there are. My point was that therapists who work with minors might well be reluctant to work with healthy children who don't display any concerns or problems. Adults who don't "need" therapy can make their own decisions about how they spend their time and money, children can't.

No. Is my opinion.
Reminds me of the parents who didn't achieve what they wanted in life so push their kids. (images of jonbinet Ramsey enter my mind)
I spoke to T once saying it's ok me sitting here saying what my childhood was like. But what about my kids. What about the mistakes I've made. T said thats 2 things here. 1, you are aware and question things, yourself. 2, you've been in therapy for most of their childhood analysing yourself which will benefit your children.
If my adult children wish to enter therapy. That's their choice.

I agree with all of this. It could also help to explain what therapy is like and ask if they would be interested in talking to someone. Another option, if you would prefer a professional to explain some of this to them, is to find a child/family therapist and maybe just go to a single session (maybe both the older kids and you in there at once) where the T could explain to them about the anxiety and depression that run in the family and when to talk to someone if they're having certain types of feelings. Just a thought.

No. You should have an excellent therapist for yourself (and if you have a partner or coparent who is willing) who is a family therapist and who is systems oriented. You want someone with whom you can discuss parenting issues who gives you a lot of room to work out what kind of parent you want to be and helps you keep yourself in top emotional shape so that you can be that parent. Having an excellent primary care provider (physician or NP) for your children who has an awareness of mental health issues is also key.

YOU are the main resource for your children. Not a therapist. You teach them the skills they need to manage their anxiety. You model self-care, forgiveness, repair of ruptures, coping cheerfully with imperfection, lovingkindness etc. So you need to make sure you’re getting all the care that you need you need, reading the books, taking the courses or whatever so that you can do that well enough, often enough. Not perfectly. Not every time. But enough.

I don’t think a therapist has much of a place for primary prevention in childhood.

I think not, they are kids, they are happy, they are developing well. Don't mess with that and muddy things up!

IMHO the best prophylactic for mental health in children is healthy, caring, loving parents who respond effectively to the changing developmental needs of their child. Take care of your own mental health and actively work on developing and maintaining both your own parenting skills and your relationship with each child. If you can be their sure shelter in stormy weather all will be as well as it can be.

Children don't want a stranger to talk to for one hour a week. They want to know there is someone in their world who loves them no matter what and who they can rely on no matter when.

No, I wouldn’t. I was harmed by therapy and wouldn’t subject a child to that risk. Even if the risk is low.

Parenting classes and books are wonderful options.

No. If there is no problem, I would not go about creating one. As a child, I was sent to a therapist when I didn’t need one. It did a lot of damage to me. I would not wish that on any other child. Even if your child gets matched with a good therapist, the danger of pathologization is very real. The kids themselves will likely wonder what is wrong with them? Why does their mom think they need therapy? What do they have that no one is telling them about? Count your blessings your kids seem healthy and well-adjusted and continue to listen to them and support them.