[Lrad123]

I’m a parent and I work with cancer patients, so I guess I’m used to taking care of people. My father passed away a long time ago and I’m estranged from my mother who has characteristics of dependent personality disorder and is married to a narcissist who makes all decisions for her and pretty much tells her how to think. So before I was estranged from her, I spent a lot of time taking care of her as well.

The other day as I was getting up to leave my session, I asked my T if he was working over the holidays. I assumed he was since he tells me months in advance if he’s taking time off, but I wasn’t sure since I have a standing appointment on Wednesdays which is the day after Christmas and I wasn’t sure if he considered that a holiday. I had been thinking that if a lot of clients cancel that week due to the holidays, I don’t want to be the only reason he comes in. I also expressed a little concerned about his Tuesday clients who will miss 2 weeks in a row because Xmas and New Year’s both fall on Tuesdays. I asked what he was doing with his Tuesday clients and he replied that they’d miss sessions or possibly reschedule. Then, as I was standing to leave, I said I didn’t want to be the only client coming in the day after Xmas and I’d be completely fine missing that week, and he said “Are you trying to take care of me?” I mumbled something about how I was just trying to be practical or efficient or something like that as I was walking out the door and said goodbye.

I would definitely act this way with anyone else in my life too. I am always very attentive to other people’s needs and desires. I consider myself strong and independent, but also not very pushy and somewhat people-pleasing. Since I’m in therapy, everything is put under the microscope and I’m trying to figure out how to think about this. Is this codependent behavior? If so, where is the line between being codependent and being a nice person? Anyone have similar experiences?

[SlumberKitty]

Yes, I've been that way before. A couple of times for whatever reason, I ended up seeing my T on a Sunday and I was the only client that she saw that day. Knowing that made me feel guilty in some way. Then she reminded me that it was her responsibility to take care of her. I don't know if this is codependent behavior, or if it is just being nice. When I was growing up, I was taught by my parents not to have needs. They have realized this as I have become an adult and have worked to let it be okay for me to have needs, but I'm one of those people who never tries to be needy or express a need to someone. I know that's not exactly what you are talking about, but it reminded me of that. I think it was nice that you were concerned about the Tuesday clients because a lot of times in therapy it's easy just to think about ourselves, and our T and not think about the other clients. I think I'm rambling here. I don't think I know the answer to your question, but I can relate. Kit.

[DP_2017]

I think it's complete nonsense

I asked my T how come this isn't hard for him at all and he went on about how this isn't about him and it's not my job to care for him. I was really pissed at that. After all the crap we've been through and shared, he's gonna try and act annoying now.

I don't get how showing concern and being a decent human is taking care of someone nor do I get how wanting someone to seem like they care, is taking care of them. I have learned one thing about therapy, it takes the humanity out of people... and for kind hearted folks, it really can mess you up worse.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

When I was growing up, I was taught by my parents not to have needs. They have realized this as I have become an adult and have worked to let it be okay for me to have needs, but I'm one of those people who never tries to be needy or express a need to someone. I know that's not exactly what you are talking about,

Yes, this is similar to me. I was a “good” kid who didn’t cause any problems and likely did not learn to express needs. Just not sure what to do with that now.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, this is similar to me. I was a “good” kid who didn’t cause any problems and likely did not learn to express needs. Just not sure what to do with that now.

Personally, I've had to learn that it's okay to need something from someone, or to be okay with accepting something from someone, like accepting a T session at what seems like an inconvenient time. I am not the best at this, but I work at it. I started small, like asking a friend to text me when I was struggling. Now I can tell my parents if I need to go to the hospital. But there are times when I really struggle with it. Kit.

[piggy momma]

I think it’s a legit question/statement and doesn’t really need to be put under the microscope. I had the exact question for my T on Tuesday - I asked him if he was working over Christmas because I didn’t want him thinking he had to come in just for me. He said “look at the mess on my desk. I’ll be here every day” so we booked for Dec 27.

I think I would be a little offset if he had asked me if I was trying to take care of him. I’d just respond that I’m trying to be respectful of his time. I think that’s all you were doing as well.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I think it’s a legit question/statement and doesn’t really need to be put under the microscope. I had the exact question for my T on Tuesday - I asked him if he was working over Christmas because I didn’t want him thinking he had to come in just for me. He said “look at the mess on my desk. I’ll be here every day” so we booked for Dec 27.

I think I would be a little offset if he had asked me if I was trying to take care of him. I’d just respond that I’m trying to be respectful of his time. I think that’s all you were doing as well.

Glad I’m not the only one who asked this. My T is psychodynamic so “everything has meaning” and everything is put under the microscope. He did the same thing when I asked him if he had a pet!

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

I think it’s a legit question/statement and doesn’t really need to be put under the microscope. I had the exact question for my T on Tuesday - I asked him if he was working over Christmas because I didn’t want him thinking he had to come in just for me. He said “look at the mess on my desk. I’ll be here every day” so we booked for Dec 27.

I think I would be a little offset if he had asked me if I was trying to take care of him. I’d just respond that I’m trying to be respectful of his time. I think that’s all you were doing as well.

[stopdog]

I am not a care taker sort as a general way of existing. I will help someone when they ask for it but I see it as their call to ask, not my call to inflict it on them. I see it as if a therapist says they are working on X day - then I take them at their word, trust them as adults to do what they choose to do, and go on with my life.
If I tell someone I am working and they ask if they will be bothering me - that is annoying to me - it is like an indirect way of them appearing to be nice but really wanting reassurance and so forth.

[nottrustin]

I had T tell me a couple of times I didn't need to worry about her she could take care of herself. Once it was she was seeing clients in a nasty storm. She had a few cancellations and since I was her last appointment. So I asked if she wanted to reschedule because she had to drive a good distance. I told her I know that just wanted to offer if she wanted to leave earlier not because I was taken care of gett or didn't trust her to take care of herself but I did care and wanted to make the offer.

After that if I said something she might see as caretaking I woul start my sentance with "I know I am not supposed to take care of you so I am not, but" she would giggle.