Ending my "Friendship" with my Former Therapist

Some of you will know my whole story. I've been posting on here since before S (my ex-therapist) moved away. I've shared the crossed lines, non-existent boundaries, how much I love him, how much I hate him, how much I've gotten hurt. Here is the background:

Therapy Gone Wrong

S moved away from Virginia in June 2017. We've attempted a friendship since then, and I've seen him twice since then: the second (and, now, last) time being last night. After yesterday's very strange get together, I made the decision to end my friendship (or whatever it is) with S. It didn't feel right, our interactions. And, after emailing my current therapist about it, he responded with strong words. That coupled with my husband's negative feelings about S & desire that I stop talking to him are finally enough for me to walk away with my tail between my legs feeling immense shame and guilt.

I'm not wholly sure why I'm posting... part of me desperately wants to find "the others." His other former or current clients who are caught up in the terrible web of "him." (I know for a fact that there's at least one who saw him in Arizona and has now moved to Seattle, I believe, who is going through this hell - he let slip last night - so, if for whatever reason, that person is on here & randomly reads this & wants to takl...IDK. Message me?)

Part of me wants to just talk about this, because it sucks so much...it hurts, it's awful, it's not even very real feeling yet. Part of me feels like I'm confessing... because I feel immense guilt for dragging it on this long and hurting my husband.

S is not the person I once believed him to be. I don't like the real S...or the "now" S... perhaps the person I loved never existed at all. He was my safe place, and now he is a narcissistic, manipulative, cocky, immature jerk who says really awful things sometimes. He seemed a mess...I would not be surprised if he was on something or had been drinking prior to arriving.

I will miss who he was. I will miss feeling safe in his arms (though I feel horrible saying that now). I will miss sharing everything with him. I will miss sitting out under the stars and hearing him talk just a little about himself. I will miss feeling like he could handle anything - make anything better. I will miss painting with him and watching him baby his pets.

The S I loved has been dead for a while, though. Never existed, maybe, but certainly gone for a long time.

I'm sad for him...the real S. He isn't happy. I think, maybe, that his life is a lot emptier than I can really grasp.

And, because everyone loves details... what happened yesterday:
We met at a bar to watch a football game. He was over an hour late & only told me he would be late after he was already 10 minutes late. I stupidly waited anyways. He made really dumb sexual jokes, including one about me and a really awful one about a teenage girl who complimented his shirt. He (not for the first time) asked me to send him any information I ever found out about his ex wife & callously talked about how his ex wife keeps his son (who has severe life-threatening disabilities) alive & how she should "just let him go already." (He has no interaction with his ex or son anymore, but it's not HIS fault, of course... nothing is ever S's fault at all.) And, at one point, he grabbed my hand and held it for a prolonged period of time - it felt really weird... there was a time when that would've felt safe and comforting. Yesterday, it felt like crossing a line.

I feel SO much guilt & shame. And very depressed. I really just want to go get into bed and not get out again for a very long time.

I'm not one of your therapists clients (different location) but I am in a similar position. PM me if you want to talk. I understand the shame. It does lessen.

To be clear: I saw him in Virginia. He currently practices in Arizona. He mentioned some client to me last night & said the client had moved to Seattle.

I'm sure there are others.

Just sending hugs...this sounds so painful, I'm sorry. I've followed your story. At one time, before our major rupture a year ago, I wished I could have become friends with ex-MC after termination. This is not nearly to the same extent as your situation, but in that one phone call, he showed me a side of himself that was very different from who I thought he was. It became difficult to not see the whole relationship differently, to see him differently, to wonder if he truly cared about me the way I thought he did. And if he was a totally different person in real life from who I thought he was (some stuff he shared in sessions also made me wonder that). At one point, I had considered him to be one of the most important people in my life, ever. And thought he was the person who had understood me the most. And then all of that was called into question.

I don't know if this will help you at all, but something current T said to me has helped. He told me...actually I'm going to quote his email from last December: "I can also appreciate that you are having trouble not redefining your entire relationship with [Ex-MC] based on how you've been feeling these past few months. Hopefully, and I would like to support you in doing this, you will be able to parcel out the good and the bad and eventually end up holding the full experience of your work and feelings for him...which will include love, disappointment, gratitude, loss, and many other feelings as well. Coping with these conflicting feelings is painful and confusing."

It's taken me some time, but I think I've come to be able to appreciate some of the positive things from my relationship with ex-MC. To not need for it to be all black or white. I'm still working on it, and tearing up a bit as I'm writing this. (The fact that the rupture happened almost exactly a year ago is playing into this.) So, while I haven't had the same experience with you in the sense of a friendship with a former T, I do get on some level what you're going through. And I'm sorry for that. I hope your current T can help you through this...It seems like you're definitely doing the right thing in cutting him off. His behavior at the bar just sounds really bizarre and inappropriate. I hope that even if you can't find anyone else who was a client, you can get comfort that some of us on here understand, at least on some level.

I can read the pain your words, TMC but this is not your fault. None of what happened is. I honestly would have done the same thing and many others would too.

Can you get into bed and just rest for now if you need to?

LT, thank you - that quote from your T is very helpful. Yes, it is my urge to redefine the whole relationship. It is hard to wrap my head around this person who my current T now refers to as a potential "predator" as having once been my safe place.

Thank you too, Lemoncake. I wish I could get into bed, but I can't. Work and motherhood don't let up just because you're grieving.

At least I think I will sleep better tonight than I did last night. And, at least I see C (current T) this evening. Although, it is so so hard to think of him as safe right in this moment. It is scary to me that C has become a safe place for me. All of my feelings feel dangerous at the moment. I feel guilt for ever entering therapy at all.

How awful, the way he treated you yesterday, ex-therapist or not. Him being the ex-T makes it more painful, but this man has been using you-- perhaps not for sexual jollies, but for his own needs, in this post-therapy relationship.

I've been used and I've been conned, not by a therapist but by other people I was supposed to be able to trust. What you've experienced is a kind of betrayal where the shame and guilt are natural consequences, but that shame and guilt doesn't belong to you. Sometimes we say to ourselves, well I let it happen, but at the time we are not aware that the "it" is being used and conned. Nobody signs up for that, and you didn't sign up for this despicable treatment. You didn't let this happen, it was him who behaved in a shameful way that he should feel guilty about. I wish you peace and comfort in recovering from this therapist betrayal.

So what have we learned?

My answer: therapists are fine IN THEIR PLACE. If we try to take them out of their place and into our lives - all the rules have just been thrown out the window, havent they? Who knows what the rules are? You dont even know who this person is.

For myself, i wanted / needed to feel safe with my t because i had to work out feeling unsafe with my family. Maybe the OP still needs to work out something like that. Thats what made her vulnerable or even insistent on maintaining this relationship after he moved away - "unfinished business", as ts like to say.

I would urge no shame, only curiosity.

Sorry you are dealing with ethics. It sounds really painful. I suspect C would completely understand the mixed emotions about trusting him to be your safe place. When T passed I struggled with this and still just to a lesser degree. I brought it up to current T. She completely understand and expected that to be the case. We're worked on trust quite a bit back then and periodically now. We have discussed that I know in my head she isn't going to abandon me. It is also bot because of anything she has done or not done.

This is sort of like something that came up with T today, in talking about ex-MC. He was talking about the feeling I got from ex-MC, like something I was looking for since childhood. I agreed with that. And managed to say to my T that I have moments where I feel that with him (current T) now and it really scares me. I think he got it, and he understands that it's a big deal for me to put this trust in him. I think C understands and respects that with you, too, TMC. (And with you as well, NT).

I’m not a client of your ex-T either but I just ended my “friendship” with my ex-T this past week also and relate so much to what you wrote. Realizing that the person you once cared about— who was your safe space— either no longer exists or never existed— is so incredibly painful. Even though the relationship is over, I’m still dealing with the hurt that the last exchange I will ever have with ex-T was not loving but narcissistic, ugly, selfish, and cold. Who is that person? Did I read ex-T wrong for 5 years or she change? Who was I putting my trust in for all of these years? A part of me even wonders if I will regret being honest down the road (I told her that the friendship had been a mistake and I felt disrespected by her), because there is no going back. There is no changing my mind. I ended it and she took it very badly. She put it all on me and was nasty about it. Anyway, if you want to talk to someone who has been there, feel free to PM me.

I'm so sorry, scorpiosis. <3
I didn't allow it to be a conversation this time - we've had the conversation a million times over.
I texted him while he was on a plane then blocked his number. I can't handle a response.

Hugs if you want some, TMC.