[GingerBee]

I’ve been seeing my T for 2 years and I generally feel like the work we do helps and makes an improvement to my life.

It seems that I have C-PTSD after childhood trauma and although I function ok most of the time, at least to the unsuspecting observer, sometimes I get overwhelmed by the constant anxiety and churning in my head caused by my own head and I have no energy to cope with anything beyond the basics of life without crying and wanting to run away to live on my own in a tree house in the forest.

T obviously wants to empower me to help myself, and today talked about teaching me to find some ‘internal space’ as I am feeling so squashed by all the stress and demands of the weeks ahead. This work would entail breathing exercises and other body observing and grounding exercises. He is fond of body-centred therapy and the work of Peter Levine who believes it is vital to treating trauma.

Sounds simple, right? Just breathing in a room with one other person. What’s scary about that? Turns out, EVERYTHING, and yet, I don’t exactly know why. I point blank refused, and despite trying to explain, I left the session angry with T and myself, and really wanting to terminate, although I won’t.

I do want a better life so why can I not just try something so simple to help myself?

Ideas I have about why i don’t want to do it:

• I feel self conscious
• I feel like I will do it wrong which would humiliate me
• I feel like a science experiment
• I feel like he doesn’t want to sit with me with my feelings - he just wants to fix me
• He becomes my teacher and I a pupil and it breaks the connection
• It feels like high school drama class -thus childish and embarrassing
• It’s too intimate
• I deep down think I am unfixable so what is the point in embarrassing myself
• He’s a man and I don’t want him even considering my reaction to my body even in this completely non-sexual way
• It makes me feel very vulnerable to do this in front of anyone that could watch me

It distresses me that I can’t seem to get over myself. It’s not the first time he has attempted to get me to do this sort of thing and I have refused.

Has anyone had similar struggles with bodywork and can share their feelings? I guess a part of me wants to know I am not the only person who finds the whole thing traumatic. My reaction just seems so over the top.

[kismetie]

I'm not sure my response will help any, but I sounds like it's not about the bodywork in itself that is the problem. It sounds like the potential of failing and being judged for not getting it "right" is causing a lot of pressure and stress.

Which I can relate to because most of the reasons you listed above as to why you think you aren't open to the experience I have felt. Although, I react differently. For me, if my T had suggested this I probably would have awkwardly agreed to go along with it and then would have half heartedly pretended to get into it, just plainly of the pure fact that, I feel if I go along with others suggestions and give them what they are looking for then I wouldn't get judged harshly or made fun of.

I don't have to say why that hasn't been the best approach to going to therapy. But anyway, I think you should maybe talk about what you wrote here and share it with your therapist. Explain that you would feel more comfortable talking through this instead of bodywork or why you feel so uncomfortable with the idea of bodywork in the first place.

Maybe try emailing him or printing out what you want to say to read during your next session. Anxiety is a real tricky ****** and for me, if I don't write down or email my T, I literally won't bring it up. It's like I could go to a session with the intent to talk about it but once I'm sitting there in the room, anxiety has got me in the this choke hold and I'm acting like everything is fine, even when my therapist is asking me, "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

You brought up c-ptsd and childhood trauma. I reading this book by Susan Forward called Toxic Parents, that really breaks down the different ways bad parenting can have life long affects and suggestions on how to break the personal cycle and explain the thinking of a child who grew up with toxic parents. I'm not really into self help books but this one is split into 2 parts. part one explains the different kinds of toxic parenting and has personal accounts shared and then part 2 breaks down how to regain control of your own life in a step by step guide that isn't for once complete optimistic bs.

Another thing that might help is trying to reword the way you think of a situation or yourself. It's kind of hard to explain since my therapist was the one explaining it to me but basically an example would me how I use words like awkward a lot when referring to myself. My therapist challenges me to instead of thinking "I'm awkward at talking to new people," think, "I'm not awkward with meeting new people, just giving my specific circumstances that apply to me, I haven't had much opportunity to meet and talk to a lot of new people and so it is still new to me."

When I think about it that way, it relieves me of some of the pressure I am putting on myself and turns my negative thought about myself into something more progressive and positive because at least I am trying.

I feel like I'm rambling a lot and just kind of jumping all over the place, so I hope something here can help you, even if it's just a little bit.

Honestly, I was going to post a new thread of my own on advice for being more open with my own therapist, but I like to skim and see what else is already posted before I do my own.

[piggy momma]

I would have a really hard time doing that too, for all the reasons you mentioned.

I think it's worth talking about all those reasons with your therapist, before even beginning to start to learn the breathing exercises. I think the first step is getting comfortable with the idea of it, and then gradually starting to learn to do it.

My last therapist started getting really into body work (I think it's called Hakomi) and it was way out of my comfort zone, so I had to get a new therapist. It just wasn't a direction I was even remotely ready to go.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

If it's causing this strong a reaction, it really isn't so simple. It's not just a matter of getting over yourself.

It may be that the work right now lies in getting to the heart of your strong reaction to the idea.
It may be that you need some groundwork before you're ready.
It may be that this just isn't the right kind of work for you.

It sounds like the idea of BODYWORK is really huge and overwhelming, this big shapeless unpredictable idea that your therapist wants to put you through. I wonder if it might be helpful for your therapist to back the bus waaaaay up and to partner with you to choose one thing. One small thing to try, as an experiment, and there's no right or wrong way to do it, and only if you are willing and not overwhelmed by the idea.

Hugs. One of the very most empowering things one can do is set healthy boundaries, even (especially) with your therapist. Being able to voice whatever your boundary might be about doing bodywork right now could be a good start. And discussion, with an expectation that you are a partner in your own care, about what that boundary looks like: no bodywork? start small? you drive the bodywork bus and get to decide yes-no-not today-let's try?

[MoxieDoxie]

I so "get' this.

I have had therapists have me do breathing exercises with them or at least try to do it with them. I get very condescending about it. I make faces at them and say no I am not doing that. I feel as if they are down playing my issues and think that some stupid breathing exercises is going to fix everything. I am not wasting my money and time on breathing in for 4 hold for 4 exhale for 4 and back around. Just give me a pamphlet on it and I will decide if I am going to try it when I am having anxiety.

Even if I tried at home to lay down and focus on breathing I could not do it because being still and quite made my mind race and I also felt guilty laying there doing nothing when I should be getting things done. I have tried meditation and other exercises in 20 years and still can't do them unless I am just going along with it and pretending.

I am not knocking it as I know this helps lot of people. Just not me.

[Pennster]

My therapist has a couple of times tried to suggest things like chair exercises and guided meditations in person.i won’t do them- the chair exercises as it seems like a performance, and the guided meditations because I can do them on my own when I’m not paying by the minute. But I have found yoga amazingly helpful- I wonder would something like yoga or guided meditations appeal to you at all? You could try both of them online, or do classes for beginners.

I think your feelings are really understandable - I relate a lot. For me as well, as someone who suffered a lot of trauma at the hands of doctors as a small child, I am extremely resistant to my therapist telling me what to do with my body, even for the sake of a presumably helpful exercise.

[Anne2.0]

I have meditated for decades before it was quite the thing it is now. But I benefited from "mindfulness," which was different than meditation (a thing I "did" or practiced) as I've come to feel about it. Focusing on staying present (which is helped by breathing exercises but is not the same thing) has been great for me. The monkey on my back, that terrible critic commenting, has receded and I am more self confident and less self conscious. Daily life is more joyful than difficult.

I haven't read Levine other than just very superficially, but Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is very much on point in understanding why activating the body, as the breathing you're talking about does, wreaks havoc in the beginning. I think you may be connecting to some of the body's memories about the trauma, or for me, just kind of noticing how my body feels after a long period of thinking it's useful only to carry my brain from room to room was triggering. Learning to access these feelings in the body and the memories held onto by them is a big step. For me, even though van der Kolk's book came too late for me to really benefit from it, my T was expert at understanding these body-based traumatic work and guided me through it.

The book is very "accessible", as they say, meant for a general audience. For me, I need to understand things intellectually and know how they might work to be willing to begin something scary or new. It's like I first have to change my ideas of what is possible and how to see things-- develop a new "schema." So rather than "I think it's best to ignore my body and shut down any perceptions of uncomfortable feelings I sense", I began to be willing to explore what was happening and what it felt like.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I have always been really triggered by any kind of body work, relaxation exercises, even mindfulness exercises. It’s all tied up in the kind of abuse experiences I had. I know exactly where it comes from but I found it hard to get past. It is far too exposing and evokes far too much feeling of physical vulnerability to “do” those kinds of guided imagery, mindfulness type exercise.

One thing I have learned to do is find ways do those types of exercises, etc. on my own; I feel less vulnerable by myself; something about that other person in the room that freaks me out. I’ve also had to develop my own ways rather than the usually taught way to do this. For me, I found personal approaches involving my love of music. They work for me. No, not one of those canned therapisty techniques, but healthy and effective for me.

My therapist and I went round and round about this before he finally understood how strongly I felt about it. I don’t know why some of them (including my own) are so into this kind of work and so unable to understand its effect of someone whose body was violated regularly. It was the one aspect of my therapy where we really clashed. The good news was . . . I won! LOL! I held my ground proactively and simply refused to discuss the matter anymore. It felt fantastic to advocate for myself and have someone respect my wishes and my own ability to find healthy ways to decompress, relax, find that inner calm.

[Rive1976]

My T is careful about what exercises she uses because some make me very uncomfortable. I have to fight to stay focus because the exercise is traumatic itself. Maybe he could try some until you can pick which ones feel safe. Thats what my T did.