Preference: T with similar trauma/mental health struggles as you, or T with no trauma

I’m curious how you all feel about this. I’ve heard people say that they want a T who has been through similar stuff, or at least something traumatic so that they know they understand.

I’ve heard others say they wouldn’t want a T who previously struggled with similar problems.

What do you prefer? Do you know if your T has any history like/unlike yours?

Would you want to know if your T has or has not experienced trauma or mental health issues?

I liked it, I need to relate to someone to be able to trust and feel comfortable. My T had/has depression and anxiety just like me and it made it SO much easier to talk about it, he even shared stories sometimes so I didn't feel alone. It really helped me

I should probably add that I’m asking because my T recently told me he has never been victimized. He also does not have any mental illnesses. I always thought that I wouldn’t want to work with a T with ZERO issues in this arena, as I’d worry they have no way of understanding how I feel, but I actually kind of felt relieved when he told me this. I’m not totally sure why though.

I dont want anyone as messed up as me.

I like maturity. I would not mind in their history because it can help the understanding and sympathy, but if there were any signs they still struggle with the same issues and it affects how they act, communicate, approach things visibly, I would not want to work with them. It would be like hiring and expert who has not completed their education in a crucial field that I want them to guide me the most. I would not find it helpful to commiserate with a paid professional.

I prefer a t who had trauma but did the work and is now healthy. My t has been able to explain the path “out” better than my t’s who never experienced mental health issues. Current t is not my most skilled t I’ve ever had but I am more comfortable with him because our traumas have parallels.

I actually stopped seeing therapists because I felt like they didn't understand. Now I go to free support groups where I can talk to people who really get it, and I like it a lot better. I know some people prefer individual therapy though.

I don't know for sure about my own T. It doesn't matter either way for me, really.

I haven't met anyone who has truly resolved being traumatized; even folks who have spent years and decades seem to still have reactive bits. I prefer to see Ts who have not been traumatized. I would be fine with someone who had addiction issues, depression, anxiety. But I am also fine seeing Ts who don't. My Ts have mostly not disclosed. One T has said that she sometimes dissociates. One T told me about her sex-addicted husband and how that affected her. My ex-pdoc was quite open about alcoholic past.

But I don't think that you have to have experienced something to help people who have experienced or are experiencing it.

Is any adult in this world who has never gone through any kind of trauma, whether in childhood or later? I doubt it.

I guess it depends on your definition of trauma. We all have hard times, but not all of us are abused.

I would never wish my past on even my worst enemies. IT told me she was never abused that she could remember. I honestly think it would be harder for me if she did. I would fear triggering her. I know she had a very difficult relationship with her mom and she cut contact. It changed since or the things after my mom's death as I feared it would be hard for her.

I have no idea if Emdr T experienced anything like this.

As far as a menal heath diagnosis they haven't really said but I know T went to counseling after her divorce. Not sure about Emdr T but I am pretty sure she has a lot of anxiety. Having this types of struggles do help me as I k ow they undertand.

I see a huge difference between the average slings and arrows of growing up vs trauma. If someone claims to have never experienced anything that hurt, I would assume they are either lying, in complete denial, or worse, completely non self-reflective.


But trauma leaves a shadow. If the trauma is dissimilar to mine, and the T is otherwise well-trained enough to recognize their own trauma and be non-reactive about it, then it may be ok. I would not see a T who is actively suffering from or in treatment for depression, anxiety, or addiction.

But to seek out a T who shares the issues I want to resolve? Hell no. The potential for disaster is statistically so inflated in relation to what I believe is an illusion of greater understanding that there would be no benefit to me.


And the only times I experienced Ts who were running groups on their shared issues, they devolved into chaos.

Along with training and questions of expertise, and research on practice history, I specifically ask about personal mental health. Any squishiness of answer and I leave.

My last T had periods of anxiety and depression. He took prozac and clonazepam. He was also, hands down, the BEST therapist I ever had. I was super sad when he got diagnosed with cancer and took early retirement.

I don't know if my current T has ever been in therapy. I keep meaning to ask him, and I keep forgetting.

It depends on the therapist's general wisdom.

I'd prefer to see someone who hasn't struggled with my type of issues, only if they are humble enough to understand the limits of their ability to understand me. They have to be willing to put their "expertise" aside and to be eager to learn about me from the first source - from me..and to be genuinely interested in understanding me as a human being..

If they don't have this type of humility, then I'd rather go with the "messed up" one, who, at least, can relate to my experience. I'd do it fully knowing that they their counter-transference reactions could harm me. Since I don't believe anyone can heal themselves completely, I wouldn't require that a T would need to have done "their work". That work never gets "done"..

But my answer is purely hypothetical. I have no desire to try therapy again. I've had my share of "messed up" therapists and I also don't believe in the wisdom and humility of the so-called "healthy" ones ..

I honestly have no idea if my therapists suffered trauma or not. Their history was generally not a part of my therapy. If they did, they didn’t find it something to share with me.

I did have two female therapists who did share with me extremely early on in therapy and I never went back to them. It felt inappropriate so early on, and a bit disingenuous of them to do the whole “I understand because I, too, have been through this” thing. My therapy was not about them.

I definitely wouldn’t want a therapist who was still trying to work through their own trauma. I know how difficult and unstable my own journey was; I certainly don’t want a therapist who is going through that instability trying to assist me with my own instability. Sounds like a train wreck.

My therapists eventually shared small bits of their own experience when and where it was appropriate and applicable to MY therapy. Their issues were never a focus which is, as far as I’m concern, how it should be.

I think there are many people out there who have not truly been through trauma of the magnitude that send them into mental illness and issues such as PTSD. Not every difficulty or obstacle in life leaves a person traumatized. Yes, everyone has been through difficulties: illnesses, losses, relationship problems, deaths. But do those normal life difficulties result in trauma for most people? I really don’t think so.

While I don't believe many happy normal people want to become therapists, I never looked for one with the reason I hired one. My stuff is not all that big of a deal and I never had any serious issues that I was dealing with when I hired one.
The first woman used to throw in info about herself (her mother died of the same thing mine did, she had a niece with metasized cancer who died while I was still seeing her, her dog had some thing that mine did, she herself had an operable brain tumor, she and her children suffered from anxiety and took drugs for it etc)(I doubted most of these things happened - I think the woman lied) designed in my opinion to try and manipulate me into believing she heard me. Mostly what it did was have her make assumptions about me that were not true based upon her own experiences rather than listening and understanding mine. The second one I saw alluded to her own therapy but mostly said that she did not work for people who had the same issues she had, and in fact nothing she described as being hers was like mine even where we were more of the similar backgrounds. The second one was the better one for me.

I prefer therapists with no serious trauma. I had a previous therapist who had serious childhood trauma that he never completely healed from, and it manifested in all kinds of unhealthy ways in our relationship. My most recent therapist, on the other hand, grew up in a loving family, and he was truly amazing, in part, I believe, because of his wonderful upbringing. I'm not saying he never experienced adversity. He grew up in the 50s and 60s, and he was a gay man. I'm sure it was very challenging because homosexuality was not widely accepted back then. But his family accepted him, which probably helped a lot. In any case, I don't think he was ever traumatized. But the lack of trauma didn't make him less empathetic. In fact, I believe it made him a better therapist.

The healthy therapy love I got from him--the kind that's not enmeshment--i think you can only get that from someone with a healthy psyche.

My T has been through something similar. I think it has both positives and negatives.
She can relate better and knows how I feel and what to say. I feel more free to share my experiences and feelings.
On the other hand, sometimes our experiences are different and she tends to project her stuff on me. She assumes some things are the same but they aren't. My experience was different. Her pushing certain views or perspectives that were true for her but not me vám be extremely frustrating.
Still, I prefer a T with a similar trauma.

Trauma is a very personal thing and I would find it intrusive to ask anyone what his or hers has been. I am not interested in the T's history of mental health or treatment and I also think it is intrusive to ask. If they choose to share trauma-- 2 of the 3 I have seen have-- I have found it helpful, although I don't think I could judge whether it is "similar" or not to mine.

I think that believing people can only understand your experience if they have gone through something similar is an issue to work on. In my experience that is orthogonal to understanding someone else. It's not the "what," it's the effect-- emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. Relating to someone else's experience seems to me more a product of connecting with the underlying stuff than "knowing what it's like." Haven't been sexually abused by a close family member? Then perhaps you understand the feeling of being betrayed by someone you love, perhaps an authority figure.

Someone else's experience per se is always going to be different than mine; very few people have been through the tick-the-boxes that I have, and the severity and chronicity. And as I've developed in terms of how I make sense of my past, and understand it better myself, I feel like others understand me better. The reality, I suspect, is that nothing has changed in the external world, and people either got it or didn't. Fortunately I feel my T's always have. What has changed is my own understanding of what happened and how it affected me.

It was like this after my spouse died, and some of the unique circumstances of his death and our family life made my grief feel "unusual." Because he was in his 40's, because our child was in middle school, because his disease was rare and terrible, etc etc. I needed to talk to people who had lost spouses to cancer, who had school age children, and so on. I felt that nobody could understand all the particular horrors of what had happened. This began to change when I got a bit of distance from my grief and allowed myself to feel the connection between people who had lost others and the pain of that, which was pretty much everybody.

I prefer a therapist familiar with struggle and adversity - regardless of how it’s packaged.

From what she’d shared, my former therapist grew up in a life of privilege with a close family, was supported through many years of private college, and landed the husband/children/dog/white picket fence dream. She said she’d never gone through depression or been particularly anxious, and her stable base is why she wanted to go into the practice of therapy.

I always felt the large disconnect between her life experiences and my own. Therapy felt a little too voyeristic explaining certain pains to someone who could not relate much.

T1 when I was very young disclosed some of her issues and I found it unhelpful to my therapy. T2 had a different kind of trauma than mine and disclosed she had been through therapy. T3 I have no idea. I think the woman was bat crap crazy. Current T I don't know. I'm perfectly okay with not knowing about my T's trauma or mental health issues. If they care to share, then that's okay but it usually causes me some form of discomfort. Kit