Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Well here goes, T. I don't know how to be with you.

gimmie dat book t!!!

Thank you. You're lovely.

Hey T,

I signed up for a 5k on the 29th of december.

And my brother offered to run with me, without me even asking.

Today would have been so f***ing unbearable without you.

Why is it so hard for people to wear another hat and see how much they are hurting somebody else by exploiting and humiliating them? Maybe they really want to hurt someone. Did anyone ever think of that?? Or is it too much to ask anybody to THINK ? I know I am at a loss and not expecting much of anything from you on this topic.

Dear T, can't wait to see you later today. Things as they are is both my theme and anti-theme for this week. I'm willing to say, whoa, these things are scary but in acknowledging that, they are not awful and they seem more manageable. Once fear of people and events kind of ruled my life. Not so much anymore. I took a deep breath twice this week and said to potential work, I cannot do this for two months. I decided I did not have to stress myself for someone else's timeline. I was willing to lose the work because I do not need the cash. I do need the time for purposes of stress but more importantly for my creativity. But I was surprised when apparently I am good enough to wait for. That was kind of shocking to me. I mean, I'll say the words out of my mouth and they live in my brain. I am good. But someone rattles around in there who seems to whisper something quite different, and I can catch her saying it, or I think she's saying it when I do very functional things like send out my invoices. I'll comment back, whatcha say? Then she disappears. It's so dumb, like I'm stalking myself inside my own head.

Ho hum. I don't feel so strong right now.

1-I felt like I wouldn't have enough time to reach the airport if I was supposed to leave on monday morning for a 10.35am flight gate closing at 10.05am. Normally the bus I take starts running from 5am but the day before Christmas it starts at 8. From which I'd have to take another connecting bus. Just the idea of all that and possibly missing my flight altogether created huge waves of anxiety. I feel dumb and stupid for picking the original flight that I did and wasting money to change it to sunday at 9.30pm.

2-I think I'll give up the idea of trying to do pharma on the 15th.
It sounds stupid- maybe others can just jump from one exam to another but I know I always need atleast 2-3 days just to recover from one exam.

3- 19 days, 21 hours, 11 minutes and 26 seconds. I think I'm just gonna keep unpdating my page for the entire duration your away. (Unreasonable part of me says seriously- what are you thinking?! Why do you need a two week holiday? )

Thank you for offering email contact though.

I love you. Even transference aside I do. You are a good and kind man.

What's even more sad than that is I don't even know who I'm addressing when I say this. Maybe no one at all. No one cares.

VariableNovember

I miss you. Please respond despite the late hour.
I need you.

I framed our last session photo together. It's on the wall. I wish you could see it. I hope you are happy. I've thought of you every day and I miss you like crazy. Although I know I'm far from your mind anymore

dp--i doubt your T could just erase you from his mind that easily. it isn't so easy to do.

^Not erase, I know he wouldn't forget me... it's just I'm a distant memory, he's already moved on to his new life.... I'm "part of the job he hated" so he he can think of me from time to time and not forget me, but it's not like he's wondering how I am or missing me etc

I will never get back what they took from me, NEVER!!!

What exactly did they get out of it?? A few laughs, popularity, gossip??
Is that worth destroying someone who was a good person?? I guess they just don't care... you don't care either I'm afraid...no one does....there is no solution.

I made it to the second round of interviews! Thank you! <3

I can't make any promises, but I can tell you I want to.
I want to tell you what I've been holding back.
I want to tell you these scary things.
But we're going on three years together, and honestly I'm embarrassed I've hid these things for so long. I know you will not see it that way. You are kind and rational and always take the things I tell you in stride.
I just don't know how to say what I need to say.

I finally figured out how I feel about all this:
It's like when the kids were little and I took them to the pool. We'd walk out and I'd feel this palpable sense of relief because I hadn't realized or noticed, in the busy-ness of fun-having and making sure everyone was safe, how much energy it took to block out the NOISE.
Then someone would say, "I forgot my towel/dropped my suit/lost my goggles," and I'd have to go back in, and the noise was unbearable.

That's how this feels.
I am afraid of the dissonance. That it will be unbearable.

Why now? I just disengaged.
F***

'I didnt want you to miss out' little things like tjis make me think you do care and contribute to that special feeling

you gave me your copy of that book... complete with barely legible t scribblings in the side margins and highlighted sentences

Currently in a guilt and self blame spiral
I hate how much I want your validation and reassurance

Even though I can't believe it, I still want to hear you say it over and over.

You'll be happy to know that you've gotten into my head though. There is an annoying voice in my head that points out the obvious cognitive distortions and states much more reasonable balanced beliefs, the things I'd tell someone else if it were them instead of me. Sometimes I choose to ignore it though.

Thank you for your card. I waited to open it until our 'usual' session time today. I'm angry, but I'm not angry at you...and it's difficult for me to hold that. I feel intense anger towards the people who did this to me, and I'm kind of relieved to actually feel something...if that doesn't sound weird.


There is movement in anger and stasis in sadness, it seems.