Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

omg lol. you left a old photo in that book of you. mist be like 10 yrs old I'm guessing by ur hair glasses and lack of a beard... cause you can seen your dimples. I'm sure you didn't mean to leave that in there... so I will return it

Talked to D last night, she agrees it was terrible off you to just blow us all of around the holidays and dash out quickly. For me, it only confirmed my beliefs I've long had about trusting people and being close.
However she has a lot of hope for reconnecting in the future, we will see. I am having a hard time imagining you caring about me in the slightest anymore. I wish I could hug you, and hear you laugh and tell you all about my crap job and this dog stuff and the movie... but I'm not good enough for that anymore. Really sucks, I was for so long and then BAM.... nope....

I still can't understand the love and care I have for you, I know it's one sided and I never have expected anything back from you, but it just hurts so much to know that this is all on me. While I'm sitting here missing you and crying about the end, You are probably carefree and enjoying life surrounded by people that you do care about. I've always felt worthless, my time with you made me feel I wasn't, but now I feel more worthless to the works and those in it more than ever. Yes ppl love me like u said, but you don't and you are the person I wish the most to receive love from.

So here I am, crying, something u know I don't do easily, yet something I can't stop. Everything has been falling apart over the last year, this and you were stable throughout, you kept me clinging on to hope and faith in life and humanity. I feel lost and alone.

So yes I'm crying, for you, for life, and for me...

I understand completely. I'm sorry you also going through the loss of T. I really think the timing of both our losses is disastrous. I also have trust issues and I understand that it is a huge blow, it's confirmed my own beliefs.
I really hope in a couple of years you can find a way to reconnect, my own T would never allow that, and I really really hope for you that he does respond like he said he would.

Thanks and sorry about yours too

Dear T, I know it intellectually but in yesterday's session the "it" felt really distinguishable from me, more readily identifiable as the "imposter" who likes to mess with me inside my own head. I think having some distance between the real me and the fake me is all I really need. I appreciate the fake me, she's kind of funny and cynical and keeps me on my toes and grounded in the world where goodness or rightness are not for certain. Learning to make sense of opposites within myself is not a bad problem to have, either. Thank you for the space to explore these things freely.

18 days, 23 hours, 1 minute and 32 seconds.

Dear T,

I really don't want to see you today but I feel like if I cancel I'll regret it. Considering the holidays are approaching and I have a gift to give you along with I guess I could use your support. I'm just sick of your same old useless suggestions though. I guess I'll see you later, but I won't be happy about it.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
Of course I'm sitting here trying to figure out which of the Neapolitan ice cream flavors you'd be. Thinking chocolate or strawberry. Though, really, coffee ice cream is more fitting due to your omnipresent cup of coffee.

Love,
LT

Hi T. Miss you. I'm liking my new supervisor. Finally I have one I like. Fingers crossed it continues.

hi...

There is some young part of me that is panicking and just sobbing for you.
And other parts that are heaping loads of shame on that part for being this way.
I'm not sure what to say beyond that.
I wish I was in your office so I could cry in person and not just tell you about it in an email.
I wish I'd asked for a second hug..or a hug at the beginning of the session...or both.
I'm so scared that I'm losing you. I'm so scared of losing you. I'm so scared of being scared and not having you.

I love u t have a nice Christmas

Do you think I'm a good person? Because I'm not.

I don't want to channel my anger into helping people or whatever. That sounds pretty lame and would probably just piss me off more.

No. I want to hurt and destroy. Burn it all down. Inflict pain and fear. Let go of my self control, unleashing my fury until I burst into flames and disintegrate into ash.

Someone in line today bought a ton of your fav candy, it was so hard not to burst out sobbing. This is gonna be so difficult. why punish people who are happy to be in each others lives? Ugh....

I barely got any sleep last night so maybe I'm just super emotional and vulnerable right now

You just have tomorrow and then it's Christmas break for you! I don't know if you'll be spending it with friends, family, alone, or what but I hope you have a lovely holiday.

I'll bring in my journal and let you read the "things I desperately want to believe" list of compassionate statements towards/about myself.
I'm not going to read this one aloud though.
Part of it is shame. I'm not ready to say those words out loud. Writing them was scary enough. One step at a time.

But if I'm being honest, part of it is that I know you'll read it aloud. It always makes me curl up tighter and and squirm in discomfort. But I also want to hear you say those words. I want to hear it in your voice and see it on your face that you really do mean it. I want to hear you say it wasn't my fault again.

Edit: maybe I will tell you. I think I need to tell you. I need you to understand how much I want to get that reassurance from you that these things are okay to feel and believe. I want you to go first so that I can see that it's safe.
I know I shouldn't want that though. I don't know whether it would do more good or harm in the long run. I don't want to be dependant.
I want you to tell me it's okay, that it's something I'm allowed to have.

Today felt less like a partnership. I felt steered but I can’t say why exactly. My sense is something hidden, behind the curtain, something I can’t quite catch.

I said pretty directly: When it comes to what’s therapeutic for your client, for me, I should be involved in the conversation about what that is.

Did you hear me?

I dreamt that the house next door to the house I grew up in had been set on fire by evil ghosts, and a bunch of my friends were trapped in it, and I had a gun and I knew I was going to shoot one of my friends even though I desperately didn't want to, because it had been some kind of prophecy, and I was terrified. Then I woke up with a pounding migraine. Now I am at work.



P.S. you're lovely and I miss you.

well my mom tore her other rotator cuff... I'm at her house now. to help her. she's falling apart it seems. what will I do when she dies? I'll have no one... no parents... will u be there for me?

nah.......... f it

Why people hate me
Well I deserve it

You don't deserve hate.

Dear Former T: I miss you more right now as it is almost Christmas and this is my first Christmas without you. I'm also mad at you because I realize that I miss you more than you miss me and not having you in my life affects me far more than you not having me in your life. I know being mad is ridiculous. Usually I don't get mad. But I am mad. I wish there wasn't this power imbalance in therapy (but I realize it has to be there). I wish I could just see you. I wish you hadn't gotten sick.
Dear Tony the Tiger T: honestly, I don't know any more about you now than I did when I first started seeing you. I doubt you think about me in between sessions. I guess that's okay. I don't think about you nearly as much as I do former T. I kind of wish I could see you before Christmas but what would be the point? You can't take away the pain I'm in. You can't do anything to help me. Kit.