T is pregnant

I'm glad you are going to the session and giving yourself the chance to be reassured. It's a difficult situation. HUGS to you. Kit.

Therapy went well! I didn't even cry!! T reassured me that the plan is to come back and still be my T. We came up with a good strategy too: new T will remain my backup T for whenever my T has an emergency or goes on vacation. I will have a session with new T every once in a while to keep them updated. And that way, if I do develop an attachment, it will be okay. We went over a ton of scenarios so that I can be prepared as much as possible. And she agreed we need to start looking for a new T sooner than later. I told her I want her blessing. As far as the things I asked for: yes to the handwritten letter, voicemail, duel sessions before and after, making a baby blanket, and seeing a picture of the baby. However, no to recording a session and no to a personal object. She said no to the recording a session because if she miss says something wrong, and I misinterpreted it, it will fester with me for 6 months. She said no to the personal object for personal reasons and because she doesn't like the idea of me holding something over her head. We went over mu definition of abandonment, and she reassured me that the goal of our therapy is that not everyone abandons me. She so she's so glad that I'm open to seeing another T; that I really worried her last week when I said I wouldn't. She's going to give me the name of the guy T and I'll contact him hopefully soon.

My anxiety has reduced big time. And I'm feeling a little more secure with T. I'm still hurting and scared of her leaving for 6months, but at least she confirmed that the plan is she's coming back. Oh, she said we'll set a tentative date, and she'll contact me a few weeks prior to her coming back. And if I haven't heard from her in 6 months, to go ahead and contact her. And if she dies, she has a T who will contact all her clients to tell them.

Just so happy T is planning to remain my T!

Glad you got what you needed.

Sounds like a really good session--I'm glad she was able to reassure you and intends to remain your T.

Good news Scarlet!! Glad there is a plan in place!!

I'm glad it went well, scarlet.

Sounds like a good session. I'm glad you went.

Im so glad the session went well for you hugs

Sounds like it was a great negotiation because you were so clear about asking for what you wanted, and because she was honest in return. I think it's clear that the emails you wrote and (unfortunately) the suffering you went through made this possible and that is something to feel good about. Really happy you had a good session.

T told me yesterday that I'm the only client who contacts her while she's on vacation. This really bothers me. One, I now feel like a burden. Two, I feel like I've been disrespectful. Three, I fear she will change her boundaries when she comes back from leave.

I only contact her on the weekends or vacations if I really need to. I'd say, in 3.5 years, I've maybe contacted her on the weekend 5%? Maybe less. I've only done it a few times. But it's part of our deal. I call her when I feel like cutting or having suicidal thoughts. I then have to wait to hear from her before I can act out on anything. It really helps. Keeps me accountable and because I have to wait, the thoughts usually dissipate by the time she does call me back.

And I'm afraid she will change boundaries because we've talked about it a little in a scenario. The example was that she comes back to work, but no longer feels like she can help high-risk patients. I told her that I would consider that abandonment. This was a hypothetical scenario, but still interesting that she picked that one.

Oh, and I asked her in my email to her today if I was a burden to her. She didn't answer it ir even acknowledge it.

Sometimes I wonder if she feels stuck with me.

it seems by your last session with her, that she feels neither burdened nor stuck with you.

I agree with this!

I'm just worrying over every little thing. I feel like this pregnancy is going to change my relationship with my T somehow. Like maybe she won't be a part of my crisis plan anymore. Or she'll take away emails and phone calls altogether. Or that I'll be too much for her.

My mind is just racing and panicking. I told her that a lot of people here have told me to slow down, but I can't. These next 4 months will come and go too quickly, and the 6 months leave will go slow as hell. I'm really scared. This is not easy for me!

I sent T an email last night (per my usual once a week update). Her response was so reassuring!This is the type of reassurance that I want and need!

I'm glad that your therapist is able to provide you with the reassurance you need. Maybe it will help to reread her emails when your mind starts racing? You could even write down reassuring things she says in session.

Yes, I should reread her emails. I have a ton. I think I'm going to go through the emails and document all the reassuring things she said and when. Then print it out. That way I'll have it there and ready when she's gone.

That's a great idea! Kit

For my one of my birthday's after I'd gotten attached, I went through my T's messages to me and wrote a letter to myself using T's words as if it was coming from my T. I then had my T read it and sign it, as if it was a b-day card from her. Not sure if it would help you, I think it was an interesting exercise for me and possibly helped in internalizing T.

Would it be helpful, if you haven't already done so, to tell her that this response really helped you? Might help her help you in the future.

I'm glad you are feeling better about the difficult situation.

Thanks. I try to tell her the things she does that is helpful. But I'll make sure to point it out on Monday. If I email her back, she'll reply. I don't want her to have to reply. Better to do it in person anyways because then we can discuss it.

I always forget that I had T right down reassurances in my journal!

Maybe I should print out the emails and have her sign it? But I'm not to big on writing a letter to myself. It would feel weird. I did it once with ex-T. I still have it somewhere...

I'm so depressed. I'm probably only going to see T, at most, probably 8 more times! I don't want this to happen.

We covered a lot today: consent forms, questions for woman T, goals when I'm with woman T, dual sessions, if I'm a high risk client (yes and no), if I can be her last client on the last day she works (no), if I can see her the last 2 weeks (yes), if I can bring the rock and stuff animal for her to hold and "recharge" (yes), will she tell me the gender of the baby (yes), and if we can make a deal: I not cut and she tells me her birthday (no, we'll talk about it when she comes back). She said if I'm actively cutting or suicidal, then she might not see me right away when she comes back. She said that if I need to see her weekly, then she might not see me right away either. Honestly, I get the feeling that she's telling me she's not going to see me when she gets back no matter what happens. I need to talk to her more about this.

Here's the email I sent her tonight:

About the burden thing:

I don't like the word, to me is sounds too negative BUT if it was a word you picked, I understand the usage. But probably the meaning could be "extra work". Your T seems to be extremely honest. Even if she means you are extra work, she has not said she is not willing to do it. It is part of her work and she knows it, she doesn't deny it or object it. Maybe she meant that.