T is pregnant

I've talked to T about doing that. She's kinda iffy on it. She said we can record part of a session, but not a whole session. I'll ask her again. I just want to hold onto her in every way possible.

I'm afraid 6 months away will cause me to distance myself from her.

My maternity leave T picked my current T for me based on Ts skills and what I need. I really didn't like new T at first and didn't want to see her at all. I saw her briefly for very short meetings (10 minutes initially) every few weeks a few months before T left. Just to get to know her a bit, get comfortable with her room etc. It was really important to me that I knew where I was going to when T left.

As I said I really didn't like new T at first but I knew she was the best one to help me while T was away, so I just committed to it, no matter what, knowing I could return to my "real" T as soon as she was back. We also scheduled some joint sessions with both Ts together but in the end we only did one of those, I felt that was enough.

Once T went on maternity leave it was still pretty hard, but there was a plan in place and I knew I could go back to her afterwards. Six months in (when T was supposed to come back) I would have gone back to her in a heartbeat but she extended her leave by several more months. Nine months in I was comfortable enough with new T that I would have declined to go back to T had she returned. T is still on leave, and I don't mind at all now. Both Ts have strengths and weaknesses and new Ts strengths align more with what I need at the moment, so I am staying put. When ex T comes back from leave I might see her from time to time when my current T goes on vacation or whatever. It actually feels safer to be somewhat attached (as much as I am able at any rate) to two Ts… if something happens to my current t I know other T will be back at some point and I will be able to see her again. So there is safety there with that.

I do think you are overthinking your Ts comments to you and viewing them through the lens of abandonment. I know that is not a conscious choice, but a triggered response to the sense of abandonment caused by your T going on leave. My T said all the same kinds of things too. She had a duty of care to me, just like your T has a duty of care to you. Once she knew she was leaving, my Ts job was to set me up for success with another T. She needed to open my mind to the possibility of connecting with someone else. (I too did not believe it possible, or want that to happen). So she said a lot of things that I perceived as evidence of her wanting to get rid of me, too, but now I realize they were things she had to say. She had to help me emotionally disconnect from her and connect to someone else. She had to push for that because she knew I needed it.

Your T may say lots of other things that you will perceive as evidence of her not "wanting" to see you anymore, but the reality is in a few months she is not going to be able to see you. She needs to say those things because that is her duty of care to you. She needs to help move you closer to accepting what's happening, and she needs to help you detach a bit from her. My T said all those kinds of things to me too. At the time I hated it because I did not want to leave her, but in retrospect I can see that she said those things because even though I didn't want it it really was going to happen. She had to keep nudging me away from her and towards new T. But yes very nudge felt cruel. Every nudge felt like a rejection. But those nudges needed to be given, even though I didn't want them.

I think I wrote too much, sorry I will stop now.

I'm really sorry, Scarlet. I can't imagine how difficult this is. Actually, I can a bit, because my T goes away every summer for four months and I have to do without him. But I have the benefit of being able to email him or even call in an emergency.

I think your T is saying it's ok to be attached to someone else for a few reasons -

1) it may make your separation from her easier to handle and process
2) I think it would border on unethical for her to tell you that you can't be attached to someone else; it would be like isolating you to her which is unethical and then not being able to provide you any services would be the a second issue

I don't see any evidence at all that she is trying to get rid of you. I think she is trying to manage the situation as best as she can, respecting your feelings and the impact this has on you.

Is this her first child? If so - remember - this is a learning curve for her as well. If she has never had to take a leave from clinical work, she is also navigating these new waters.

Interviewing the interim T is not a bad idea. If you are going to do any depth of work with them, the rapport is so crucial and you want a good fit. If you are not going to get into anything too deep while current T is away, and just want them to sustain you until she gets back, maybe rapport is less important. I'm not sure tho.

This past summer my T went away for his four months two weeks after I got out of the hospital for my suicide attempt. I got five sessions with someone else through our work program, but she wasn't a good fit and I didn't really like her a lot. I stuck it out for the five sessions because I promised my regular T I would, but had it been any longer I would have found a better fit. So all that to say - I guess it depends what kind of work you want to do with interim T, that will decide your next steps. Maybe you just want a break for six months and pick up where you left off.

It's all been useful to me so thank you! As you say every nudge is bloody painful.

Hehe. Sorry you get to read the same information said in pretty much the same way in two different paragraphs at the end!

If that is going to happen it won't necessarily be all negative. You might be in a different, better place then, found a new T you want to work with instead of her etc.

I second to someone saiying that good referrals would be the best gift for you in this case. But if you want something concrete, maybe a plant if she is into them?

I realize this makes your abandonment bells ring and this is a difficult situation, but try to remember she is not abandoning you. She has given you plenty of time to prepare, ideas and referrals for your care etc. She cares about you a lot obviously and tries to help you to sail smoothly through it all.

Wise words, and to Scarlet-- I think you've made so much progress on your "black and white thinking" or however you want to put it; you've opened yourself up to advice or different perspectives on this board, and seem more willing to make changes or consider possibilities as well as clearly communicating your needs.

But as "abandonment bells" speaks to me-- working towards seeing the thing for what it truly is as opposed to a more catastrophic-extreme rendition of itself-- that can really be useful. Our thoughts and feelings impact each other.

An example: I saw my spouse die before my eyes.

If I told you he died of cancer, peacefully at home, it feels different. This is what actually happened.

If I told you he'd been killed by a bus, it feels different.

If I told you he'd been killed by a robber in a convenience store, it feels different.

Anyway death happens is going to be hard, like "abandonment." In my case, being there for my spouse as he died actually gives me a sense of comfort about his death, whereas if I'd lost him some other way, the witnessing of it would increase the traumatic loss of what happened.

Your T is not leaving you because you're a horrible BPD client that she wants no more of and unlike anyone who left because they said or implied that you weren't good enough to stay for, that's not what's happening. She wants to start out mothering (this baby at least, I don't know if she has other/s) with six months of leave so she can focus on her baby without the distractions of work-- and when your work involves listening to the pain and painful events of other people's lives, I really get that. This is also a big part of the work that I do, and while I don't really take it home with me, it does affect me, and I need distance from it.

See the thing for what it is, not as you're making it out to be.

I am so sorry this is going to impact you, but remember she has her own life too which will be her utmost priority. Try to respect this.

If she is a professional however, she will come up with an action plan for her patients. Likely this will mean seeing another therapist for the interim. While irksome, this might not be so bad. A fresh experience and insight might just be a healthy temporary change. I would thus try to look for something positive in this situation. Not all change is negative. This might be a time to evaluate and make changes to your personal care program. Maybe you might be able to rely more on your support network. Let them know the difficulty this all presents and come up with a plan that includes them. Great luck, ok?

I am taking in everyone's advice. I really appreciate it. It's just so hard. The "abandonment bells" are ringing so loud. I wish my ex-Pdoc would come back. I would be a lot more secure if I had her as my back up. But that's what's so scary: I don't have a back up. T is my rock. I'm actually thinking of maybe contacting ex-Pdoc. Maybe she can provide some support? Probably not because I'm no longer a client, but at least I can tell her what's going on.

I also realize I'm catastrophizing. It's hard not to given my current situation and my past. I've been abandoned by so many people. And the future looks bleak for me: can't afford IVF, can't afford to keep the house, T going away, etc. Just because I can survive, doesn't mean I want to.

Btw, this is her second child. She's taking off early because her first child came early. She's also not promising 6 months because she can't predict what will happen. This is partially why I want something of her: if she wants it back, she has to see me at least one more time.

Slow down, Scarlett. This isn’t happening immediately. Your T will help get things lined up before she goes on leave. You’re in panic mode and think it all has to be solved immediately when there is time. She’s not abandoning you; it may feel that way but sometimes feelings are not reality. I suggest honestly not doing anything right now. You know the old advice about not getting a new haircut when you are depressed? Kind of like that. There is time, and right now you need to slow your thinking down so that you stop doing mental gymnastics and find your logic again. (I think you T suggested reviewing some homework about this very thing?)

I'm still super depressed. And now I'm sick

I sent T an email:Please don't tell me that you think what I wrote was wrong. It doesn't matter because I already sent it. All I can do now is wait for a reply. I really hope she gives me some sort of reassurance!

How do you feel about what you wrote?

I'm sorry that this feels so terrible and I hope you can find some distance from it soon. Sounds like a very tough way to live.

I wonder if it might be helpful to you to consider the impact your email might have on your T, as in how would she feel and think in response to getting it? Understanding how your message as a receiver might help you make sense of the reply you get from her.

The first thing is that you have asked for something(s) from her, quite a number of requests, and you've asked this to happen now, when it's about the future. Maybe 4 months doesn't seem like a lot of time for you, but I think for a pregnant woman, it is. Getting ready for a new baby is consuming, even under the best of circumstances. And what if she knows, or is worried about, a medical problem with the baby? If she had a preemie before, it's likely she'll have another, with all the hospital stays and doctor visits that entails. Then there is finding childcare so she can go back to work, and that's difficult when you don't know what your actual needs are going to be. Maybe the long and short of it is that she just doesn't know for sure in way you've asked, but what she's told you is all she knows for sure. It's possible she can't give you the reassurance you need. If she could, it seems like maybe she would have done it already.

As others have pointed out in this thread, the "bells of abandonment" are ringing loudly for you right now, and that may be pushing you into communication that may have unintended effects. Does the self fulfilling prophesy ring a bell? If not, a brief explanation: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - Examples and Definition

I feel a lot of pressure when I read your email to your T, imagining myself in her shoes. There's some kind of pop culture theory about the "dance of intimacy" between people, where one person pressing forward causes the other to step back. Sometimes the pressure feels like another person pushing us away. I've been on both sides of this dance, the one who's abandoned and the one who runs away. It's something for both people to work on, and I think an opportunity to negotiate this with a T is an unique one, because of their professional commitment to the relationship. But it might be helpful for you to try to take a step back and look at what you wrote to her and whether this is similar or different to how you've handled things in the past. It might be an opportunity for you to turn on a few light bulb moments.

I feel good about what I wrote, honestly. I feel I said what I needed to say. I don't hide thoughts or feelings from my T. And if I'm addressing her wrong, she'll tell me. For example, I told her I hated her once and she told me that it hurt and makes it hard to want to help me. Another example is I was putting blame on her for not helping me if I have a financial problem, and she brought it to my attention that she isn't the cause of my problem. I'm honest with T and T is honest with me. We say hard truths like she told me that she doesn't love me.

I also think I was honest pointing out that it's hard to hold two opposing feelings at the same time: being happy and sad about the situation. Maybe I wasn't directly clear (I was crying when I wrote it), but I think she will recognize my acknowledgement of something I struggle with.

I'm having a hard time understanding why it feels like pressure and/or how it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I write lists to her often. Doesn't mean she'll agree to any of it. It's just requests. She already knows most of them. Seeing a picture of the baby, making a baby blanket, duel session with new T before she leaves, are all things she's already agreed to. A personal item from her, she said she'll think about. And the rest, isn't asking too much. And she knows that I'm not demanding it now. I'd like these things at different times: making a baby blanket while she's gone, letter right before she leaves, seeing the baby's picture after she comes back. Nothing was demanded now.

I don't understand how this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, part of me wants to push her away, but I'm not threatening to cancel sessions or anything. She knows I struggle with the push and pull of BPD. I tell her when I feel like it. And as I stated in my other response, I'm always honest with my T about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I wasn't 100% clear because I was in an emotional state?

I also do not expect a discussion over email. She won't do it, and I know it's best she doesn't. She will probably respond thanking me for telling her my feelings and that we'll talk about it on Thursday. And if I did something wrong, she'll tell me in session. But I really don't think I did anything wrong. It's never my intention. And if I did, I'll apologize and try to understand.

But a lot of it had to be said. There's no easy way to talk about how her pregnancy is going to negatively affect me. But it does. It's one of the reasons I want to make a baby blanket is to have a positive connection about the baby. I also just want to give her a gift. And telling her I'm jealous because she's pregnant is not easy either, but it's the truth. I talked to the crisis person and she told me what I'm feeling is normal for anyone struggling with infertility.

And one last thing, I did ask that no one tell what I wrote was wrong. I mostly posted it as a way to release some pain, so maybe someone can see my pain, and so I can get some support.

In my perspective, I did not tell you that you were wrong and to the best of my ability, tried to tell you how I saw it, without blaming or shaming or anything else. In my view, I offered you support and I made it clear I'd been there. I tried to offer a different perspective from a different place, something that was understandable to me so I shared it.

That you can't accept what I offer is your issue. And if what I said doesn't fit your situation, that's okay by me. You know better than anyone what the dynamics around your communication mean and how they work for you, and I hope it all works out in the way you want.

Whoa! I didn't mean to come off ungrateful for your perspective or opinion. I just didn't understand it. If I took your response the wrong way, that is my own problem. I did feel like you were criticizing my email. I'm sorry I upset you though. That was not my intention. Again, like the email, I thought I was being clear and honest. Maybe it's simply that my style of communication isn't something you like or are used to.

From my perspective, I was suggesting you look at the possible effects of your communication, which to me is not criticizing the email. How did she hear it? I tried to "listen" to your email from that perspective.

I'm not upset. If I was upset or felt negative about what you wrote, I'd do one of my posts where I say something like I'm done with this thread. But where I agree with you is that I could be more open minded about criticism directed towards me.

As to your style of communication, if telling me that I did something you asked responders not to do, rather than considering I was doing the best I could to adhere to your request, and am likely to be imperfect even on my best day is simply "clear and honest," then I guess I am not so crazy about it. It seemed to me like you interpreted what I said in the worst way possible, "you did exactly what I said not to do", rather than perhaps something more positive than that. It doesn't encourage interaction; it closes it off.

The main reason I didn't want opinions on my email is because I already sent it. There's nothing I can do to change it, or make it better. I do appreciate your support even if I misinterpreted it. And I'm sorry that you felt I closed off interaction. A lot of what I wrote, my T already knows about it, and hopefully, she assumed the rest (i.e. feelings of jealousy). I could be totally wrong though.

This is a really hard process for me. My worst fears are possible. But, in my opinion, I think for me I'm doing good with it. I haven't cut, I didn't call my T over the weekend, I'm a little open to seeing a new T, and I'm coming to accept that this is reality. I need to process this over and over and over again. I need to address all my feelings before it's too late. Four months might be long to a pregnant woman and six months might be a short leave for her, but to me it's opposite. And I am the client, so I'm supposed to talk to her about these things. If she were any other person, I wouldn't say a word.

Please understand though that I'm hurting and this is hard for me. It's triggering my past big time, and I am trying my best in this situation. Also, I really am sorry for the miscommunication.

I think it is a good letter, and you’ve sent it, so I’m sure you will discuss the contents in your next session.

This isn’t a criticism, but more of a heads up. The one thing she may challenge you on is “You’re my therapist, and you’re the one who’s hurting me.” I suspect she’ll challenge that thinking. She isn’t hurting you; that was NEVER her motivation. The circumstances are causing you pain because of your fears of abandonment, but no one has “done” that TO you. That kind of thinking is what is feeding your abandonment fears, and that, I’m sure, is what you expect she’ll work with you on anyway.

I suspect the other thing she’ll work with you on is slowing down your need to “fix” things, “do” things, etc. right NOW. I think she already reminded you of that in a previous interaction if I’m recalling correctly.

It’s good that you have written down your thoughts. I hope at this point you can hold on to them until your next session and in the meantime work on keeping your mind busy with other things. There is time, Scarlett. Give this time. Give your therapist time. Breathe.

Thank you for the reply. I didn't even realize I said that. I'm blaming her, and that's not what I want to do. I want her to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby. I bet she's a good mom. I want her to be happy. The situation, however, is the problem for me.

I'm trying to slow down. It's hard. Like that email, all I meant to say was that I feel like she's abandoning me. And then I was filled with emotions and went all out. But I've made it a few days without calling her. And I have been trying to distract myself. I picked up my crocheting again. And my H and I play a computer game together. My dad took me out to a cool store, and Saturday we built an entertainment center. I'm not just sitting mopping around. Nights are the hardest because there's nothing to distract your thoughts right before you go to sleep.

T replied! And it was positive. She said she was proud of me for making so long without calling her. She said she is planning on coming back to work, but she'll reassure me more on Thursday. And she said she wants to talk about everything I wrote. Then she made a joke that I should make it my goal to shower for the new year. Oh, and she said that she hopes over time I can see that she understands.

In my opinion, it just enough of a response that I needed. Who wouldn't be happy with a little bit of reassurance, being proud, and being understanding from their T?

That sounds like a great response, Scarlet!

Im so glad she replied to you and reassured you, hugs

I'm struggling again. What if something happens to my T or her baby? How will I know? What if she extends her leave? How will I know that? Will I just suffer waiting for her to communicate with me? None of this is fair to me. I know, I know, what I want is unfair to her. It's a win/lose situation and I'm on the losing end.

I can't stop "future tripping" as my T called it. And I'm sorry, but I can't be patient. I need as many answers as soon as I possibly can get them. I can't wait till the last minute. We always plan out scenarios. It's not fair that she never went over this scenario.

I've also discovered that I'm mad at my T. I don't like it, and I'm not 100% sure where it's coming from. I guess it's not logical, but feelings sometimes don't follow logic. I just want my T to keep in contact with me, but I know better than to bring that up. The answer is no no matter what I do or say.