Couch 186: Pink Lemonade

That's a good question, RaineD. He's seemed bothered by a few personal things, like when I found out he was at a particular event and watched a live video of him there (this was like 8 months ago), when I admitted I looked at his online photo a few times for comfort when he was out of town, and of course the whole debacle with the stone, where he seemed bothered by my using a transitional object he willingly gave me for comfort ("10% creepy"). And recently, he expressed dismay that I'd come up with a particular "narrative" about his son being on the autism spectrum. Ex-T had told me (in our final session) that T had a son on the spectrum. I shared this with T a month or two in,and he seemed bothered that she'd shared that but did not say she was wrong either. So I'd just assumed his son was in fact on the spectrum and found comfort in talking to him about my D (also on spectrum), thinking he understood on another level.

Then maybe a month or two ago, something about that came up, where we were talking about autism stuff, and I said part of me wanted to know if his son was higher or lower functioning but I knew maybe he wouldn't tell me (my D is high-functioning). And then he was all, "Well, I haven't worked with your ex-T in 8 years, and a lot can change between when a kid is 4 and 11, so her information may not be accurate anymore." (this was near end of a session). I emailed him about it, and he talked about not realizing I'd created this whole "narrative" around his son. Which, I mean, in the recent session that led to the email, he'd said how he thinks environmental factors contribute to autism, so he tries to eliminate any pollutants or toxins in his home. Like, why would that make me think his son isn't on spectrum? Anyway...so he basically said he'd neither confirm nor deny if his son was on spectrum.

So now I see his wife posting on what I initially thought was a group for biomedical treatment of autism... (I'm also in the group). Though then realized group is for biomedical treatment of other conditions, too. Reading the comment about which I got notification,wouldn't necessarily suggest son is on spectrum. But reading some of her earlier posts in group, it does suggest he at least one time was considered to be on spectrum. And, as mentioned in other posts, that she's an anti-vaxxer. So I feel T will likely be bothered that I saw those other posts. I mean, I doubt he'll care if I know his son has a rice sensitivity. But other things... I'm just afraid that, even though it's in a group I'm in, he'll think it's a big boundary violation that i read her other posts.

[QUOTE=atisketatasket;6387632]Go to the post you hugged from your stats at the bottom there should be a “remove your hugs” link.

But you’ve *wanted* to hit the hug button, right? /QUOTE]

Fixed - pshew.

Never. I don't often want to hug anyone in real life - I really don't understand the idea of a virtual one

Hi LT, you didn't go looking specifically for that information regarding T's wife and son. You stumbled across it on an online group that you are in because of your own situation. It was there for people in the group to view and you viewed it. I don't think of this as a boundary violation. You weren't fishing for the information. It was simply there. I know your T doesn't want to specify whether or not his child is on the spectrum, and that's his right, but if he doesn't want any public information out there, then he and his wife shouldn't post somewhere where the name is used. Instead should post anonymously. I hope you can rest in the fact that you weren't searching for the information. You weren't intentionally trying to break a boundary. HUGS Kit

[QUOTE=stopdog;6387639]Really? You surprise me. You have always struck me as the squishy affectionate sort.

Today is so long and I'm so depressed. It is super hard coming back to work after 4 days off. I've been depressed for at least a week now (more than usual). I'm hoping this mood state passes because it's terribly difficult. Kit

Thanks, Kit. That is the thing--if he wants to keep everything anonymous, his wife could, say, have her FB name be her first and maiden names--their last name is unusual, so jumps out more. Like if her last name was, say, Smith, I wouldn't be like "Maybe that's T's wife." Plus he mentions her first name (and his son's, for that matter) in a column he wrote for something non-therapisty he does, and he links to that column on his CV on his therapy practice website. So I'd read that a long time ago. It wasn't a huge leap to figure out she's his wife. Plus, like, when I hovered over her name, he's in the cover photo, so was immediately obvious I was correct (I suppose it could have been his sister or something). Basically, I had very few dots to connect, if any.

But do you really think it was wrong, or that wrong? Or are you privileging his probable view over your own?

I think it is 21st century normal to flip back and read some other posts, and not "wrong" . On the other hand, it is definitely "therapy wrong" in this situation, bc he pre-placed boundaries around this subject.

Imagine though, this meeting could have been a real life group, and you could have been seated next to her. That would be no one's fault. Not wrong, but not comfortable for your T.

This is me too. I worry about accidentally cornering him into a discussion about himself/ his life/ his beliefs, when he staked the territory off limits. He now has to give up the gig on his illusion of privacy about his son, and do it professionally and gracefully, putting you first as the client( as he should). However, it seems like pushing that one step harder to revisit it with even more revelation.

At least keep it focused on yourself/ in terms of yourself?

Hi new couch. Work sucked today and I stayed a half hour late trying to button things up. Came home with a headache, took to my bed and have been couch surfing ever since.

Hugs for those who need one, sedate head-nods for the non-squishy couchies.

LT I don't think you did anything wrong, and I think I could still have benefits from a T with different beliefs. I have to shake my head about many relatives and acquaintances, but at the end of the day, I think "you do you, boo" and I move on. I do find myself judging others even though I hate that character trait in myself and I despise feeling judged by others. That's just something I need to work on with own personal development, I guess.

Bigmouth!!! you never let me have anything nice!

Thanks, i needed that!

LT

You've had plenty of issues with this T and his reactions to stuff, which only causes more anxiety for you, and he isn't gonna change, you really have to decide if its best for you to keep putting yourself in these positions (anxiety wise) and stick with him or not

And does it really matter his beliefs? He's your T.... as long as he is able to be there and listen and guide you etc, it shouldn't matter what he believes about anything. Everyone has a right to view things their way. I always am ok with whatever someone believes about issues, because I know that everyone has a right to their views. I don't have to like the views but I should respect they can have different ones. It should matter most what type of person they are. Do they treat you well etc?

Try not to make a bigger issue out of this than it is, it's honestly a super common issue these days. Not a massive deal. It's public, it's out there, people have eyes and can see it. He knows that. So does his wife. It's THEIR thing to worry about

H went into work after being off for the past few days. Got told that they can't afford to keep him on at his pay and position. So in order to stay employed there he has 2 options that both include a pay cut. 1 is to be a lot tech and the other is to go back selling cars. I told him it's ultimately up to him what he does but he sucks at selling cars. Plus he could be stuck with a customer for hours. He's applying for other jobs but he has to make a decision by Friday if he wants to stay there. Happy freaking New Year.

I’ve just driven you into Oozy’s arms, huh?

Hey, lemon...wanna go SIM card shopping?

Sorry, SheHulk07. Dude that sucks. Kit

I saw a picture of the first therapist I ever hired (way before the two that just retired) by checking on a friend's instagram account (she was showing me what instagram is and we started looking up random people). It is rather sad - she is in a wheel chair and looked to have had either a stroke or dementia. She was always a robust outdoors woman when I knew her.
I haven't been in contact with her for about 15 or so years after she moved across the country to be nearer her children. She is a year older than my own parents.

Well, I am contagious. But she gave me antibiotics and said I won't be contagious in 24hrs. So I have to take the antibiotic before 4:30pm today, so I won't get my T sick.

HUGS Scarlet. I hope you feel better soon! Kit

I really believe people can have huge gaps in knowledge.Ben Carson for example. He did all of these wonderful,pioneering brain surgeries and yet thinks being gay is definitely a choice. You can be great at something without knowing everything.

Hope you feel better soon, scarlet

Ugh, I'm sorry. Is the car-selling commission-based? If so, if he's bad at it, probably better for him to go with the lot option.

Yay, I just successfully talked H through resetting out garbage disposal so we didn't have to call repair person! And it worked! (some small rubber thing apparently got stuck)

This. And I think in the long run, you'll find far more peace going this route than endlessly speculating the ins and outs of his (and his wife's) possible beliefs.

Hugs, LT. I'd just leave it alone.

Agree. I'd leave it as well. No need to make it a bigger issue. Just accept you have differences and focus on the good about him as a t. He probably has tons of varying views on things than you

i mean, im a fan. I skipped work to go see him speak on mlk day. But still.

My university is transitioning to a new LMS from Blackboard to Canvas. I hate and I love Canvas. Much like No. 3 and 2ex.

But it’s a ridiculous amount of work.