[Jessie79]

I have created a new username because I'm so ashamed. Does anyone ever exaggerate their trauma or things that they have been through? I have done it big time. As a child, I truly was abused and neglected, just not to the extent I say that I was. For example, I was molested for around a year at 13. That part is true. Since I became an adult, I say the molestation started much younger and lasted more years than it did. I also say it was a physically forceful and traumatic rape when it wasn't. I have exaggerated several details about it. It was more of a sexual relationship. Yes I know it was statutory rape but it certainly wasn't violent, forceful or unwanted like I say it was. Our relationship was found out and he went to jail for a bit. I did tell the complete truth to police - no exaggeration. (Side note, I don't even live in the same country where it happened anymore so his name is not being tarnished by what I am saying now) Lying about how young it started is because I'm so ashamed at how old I was when it happened. Like it somehow makes me more innocent and less like a willing partner in it. I also exaggerate in the hopes of getting love. Like it's the only way I can get somebody to care about me. I also get why I do it, everything I went through as a child was minimized or ignored. I absolutely hate that I have done this and plan to not do it again. My husband died 3 years ago and I feel like he is in heaven hating me for lying to him. I have been seeing a T for 2 years at my University and don't plan on telling her I have done this. I think I will see a new T and talk about my exaggerations. Or I guess I should call them outright lies. So I will get help for it. But I'm really struggling with feeling like a horrid, no good person. Do I need to confess to everyone I have lied/exaggerated too? Have any of you ever done this?

[susannahsays]

I haven't done this, sorry. But I don't think you need to self-flagellate by telling people you lied. The only purpose that would serve is to punish yourself, and it sounds like you feel bad enough. While I haven't lied about this sort of thing, I have lied about other things that cause me guilt. I am not proud of it, but I also try not to dwell on it since the lie itself hurt nobody. I just try to remember how bad I felt due to lying, so that I am less tempted to make the same mistake again.

[Ididitmyway]

I wouldn't beat myself up if I were you. The reason why people exaggerate their sexual traumas is because many instances of legitimate sexual abuse get completely invalidated by our society. Our collective consciousness hasn't gone far away from the Dark Ages. As absurd as it sounds, many people still believe that a girl, who reached puberty, was an equal participant in non-violent sexual encounters with a much older man (or woman) and, was, therefore, equally responsible. The idea that "consent" in such encounters is non-existent is still a hard one for many people to wrap their ignorant minds around. No wonder many people would want to change their stories to make others accept that their abuse was real, even though it was real exactly as it happened. No one wants to be seen as being responsible for what happened to them when they were not responsible, and everyone wants compassion and support from others. After all, we are social animals and can't survive without any external social support.

While lying may not have served you best and may not have been fair to those you lied to, I'd try to forgive myself if I were you given how difficult it is in our insane world to tell the truth about anything related to sexual abuse. I don't think you have to make amends to all those you lied to. I mean, it really depends on what kind of relationship you've had with each of those people and what kind of purpose your confession would serve. You are in the only one to decide what you need to do on the case-by-case basis.

[Lemoncake]

I think you're too hard on yourself. A 13 year old child is still a child at the end of the day and not fully able to consent to anything. Your abuse is still abuse even if it wasn't violent.

I don't find this triggering.
I think what happens to us on the outside has a greater effect inside of us.
Exaggeration or an expression of the inner effect?

[seeker33]

I understand your motives and I don't think you're a bad person for it at all. It makes perfect sense after being ignored as a child. I think discussing this in therapy would be great.
I don't know if this will make you feel better but I gave exaggerated some details, too. Because I was afraid that the reality was no big deal and if I don't exeggerate a little my T or other people wouldn't think I have a right to complain.

[Anne2.0]

Yes, I lied about something directly to my T about my abuse and then months later said what it really was. His response, the only person you really need to tell the truth to is yourself. (He also mentioned your doctor and your lawyer, which I agree with, but that has nothing to do my abuse, at least at this point in time).

For me at the time, I wasn't ready to face the truth then, it was too painful. Or I was scared, or both. But these labels you put out there, exaggeration, violent, forceful, etc, I'm wondering how much meaning they really have in the truth of what happened to you. Just because someone didn't put a gun to your head, doesn't mean it wasn't violent, what was taken from you. That it was taken by a force is undoubtedly true, because of your age (which was under the age of consent, so what difference does it make it if was A or B?). The more vulnerable someone is, the less force someone needs to use to get them to comply, and coercion is a very close cousin to force; with kids, the line between them is very hard to find.

There's an old adage in nonfiction, "just because it didn't happen, doesn't mean it isn't true." That you feel ashamed is all over your post, but maybe it's easier to point to your fault, your "exaggeration", rather than maybe the more precise culprit which is that you were taken advantage of because of your age and your gender and whatever else was going on with you as a child that made you want to be loved when you didn't get that anywhere else.

I think you deserve compassion, not scorn or punishment or added-on shame for how you coped with the awful thing that happened to you. I hope you can find it within yourself to feel it.

[Jessie79]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I understand your motives and I don't think you're a bad person for it at all. It makes perfect sense after being ignored as a child. I think discussing this in therapy would be great.
I don't know if this will make you feel better but I gave exaggerated some details, too. Because I was afraid that the reality was no big deal and if I don't exeggerate a little my T or other people wouldn't think I have a right to complain.

That does help thank you! A lot actually.

[Jessie79]

Wow. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I was expecting people to be disgusted at me. Thank you guys so much! I'm so glad I posted. It feels really good to be shown understanding even though I probably don't deserve it. There were some people who considered it concentual when I was a teen so I still feel that way myself.

[mcl6136]

Well, after minimizing for at least a dozen years, I overshot and exaggerated. You can too!

Please let yourself off the hook here. It's not like you do this stuff every day.

Your T has probably seen it all, and can help you navigate this as you learn to modulate your story.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by Jessie79

Wow. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I was expecting people to be disgusted at me. Thank you guys so much! I'm so glad I posted. It feels really good to be shown understanding even though I probably don't deserve it. There were some people who considered it concentual when I was a teen so I still feel that way myself.

I'm sorry ignorant people have caused you to minimize what happened. If it helps, your therapist is very unlikely to take such a stance.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Lessons learned.

ps you can't make changes to your behaviors until you recognize those behaviors/quit lying to yourself.

[tom2016]

Originally Posted by Jessie79

I have created a new username because I'm so ashamed. Does anyone ever exaggerate their trauma or things that they have been through? I have done it big time. As a child, I truly was abused and neglected, just not to the extent I say that I was. For example, I was molested for around a year at 13. That part is true. Since I became an adult, I say the molestation started much younger and lasted more years than it did. I also say it was a physically forceful and traumatic rape when it wasn't. I have exaggerated several details about it. It was more of a sexual relationship. Yes I know it was statutory rape but it certainly wasn't violent, forceful or unwanted like I say it was. Our relationship was found out and he went to jail for a bit. I did tell the complete truth to police - no exaggeration. (Side note, I don't even live in the same country where it happened anymore so his name is not being tarnished by what I am saying now) Lying about how young it started is because I'm so ashamed at how old I was when it happened. Like it somehow makes me more innocent and less like a willing partner in it. I also exaggerate in the hopes of getting love. Like it's the only way I can get somebody to care about me. I also get why I do it, everything I went through as a child was minimized or ignored. I absolutely hate that I have done this and plan to not do it again. My husband died 3 years ago and I feel like he is in heaven hating me for lying to him. I have been seeing a T for 2 years at my University and don't plan on telling her I have done this. I think I will see a new T and talk about my exaggerations. Or I guess I should call them outright lies. So I will get help for it. But I'm really struggling with feeling like a horrid, no good person. Do I need to confess to everyone I have lied/exaggerated too? Have any of you ever done this?

Oh, Dear One. Please stop beating yourself up. The abuse is over. It was not your fault. You are not required to pick up where your abusers left off.

Maybe you are exaggerating. Or, perhaps you are not. When we’re abused as children, we don’t have the emotional or intellectual resources to even begin to make sense of what is happening. We become overwhelmed, and our unconscious protects us as best int can in a few possible ways, one of which is repressing the memories.

Eventually, all of that crap will find its way out. That can happen in many different ways, none of them healthy.

You were abused as a young child. It’s entirely possible that your buried memories are jumbled and not in any kind of sequence.

The molestation at 13 may well have been a powerful trigger for you, scraping open some old wounds.

Your concern regarding protecting the reputation of your molester is wildly misplaced. If he is truly concerned about his image, the wiser course would be to avoid sexually abusing CHILDREN. You owe him NOTHING.

The shame you’re accepting for events over which you had no control or were cruelly manipulated is very concerning. Where is that coming from? And, of what use is it? What purpose is it serving? Is it helpful to anyone?

What would happen if you took a Shame Break; like a time out? You could start with maybe five minutes each day to dismiss the shame. If you meditate, that will help you enormously. If you don’t, this is a great time to start. YouTube has a nearly unlimited variety of videos on learning to meditate, guided meditation, and meditation music.

Remember Glenda, the Good Witch, from the *Wizard of Oz*? What did she say to the Wicked Witch of the West? “You have no power here”.

That’s how you deal with pointless shame and guilt.

Another thing that can happen is that we can have conscious memory of a traumatic event, without recognizing just how traumatic it was. Most of us actually underestimate. It can be quite the jolt to discover that something hurt you far more deeply than you ever knew.

It’s very easy and natural for traumatic memories from childhood to be mixed up. Maybe you’re exaggerating, maybe you aren’t. Is it possible that you experienced the *feelings* that would attach to your supposedly exaggerated history? Sometimes, we feel the need to find something to peg those feelings onto.

In your view, you see yourself as lying to get love. That signals really awful self esteem. It also suggests that you believe that the more damaged you can convince people you are, they more likely they are to love you. Does that really sound like the formula for happy, healthy relationships? What kind of people do you think are drawn in by damage?

You’ve got some work to do, my dear. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. The loss of your husband must have been devastating.

If you’re not feeling it with your current therapist, by all means, change. You may want to look for someone with expertise in trauma recovery and PTSD, which you are, no doubt, struggling with.

Are you familiar with ketamine infusion treatment? It’s showing amazing effectiveness with depression and even more so with PTSD. The results happen in a matter of hours, not weeks. It is pricey right now, though. It’s been a godsend to many. It’s especially powerful if you can have a therapist sit with you during the infusion.

As for confessing, your call. Do you feel that you need to do this to facilitate your healing? Or is it a way to prostrate yourself before others, seeking yet more punishment?

I wish you all the best and much healing.