[GretchenC]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

In therapy for 3 months. My T is very by-the-book; no emotion, no validation, strict boundaries, no texts/emails/calls. We've been doing trauma stuff. I feel like my anxiety is better, but depression is worse. Kind of like debriding a wound. Short-term relief, but then worsening of depression as I'm left with a gaping hole that I don't know what to do with. So I sent an email to my T saying that bringing up traumatic stuff made me feel broken, that I felt like I was getting worse instead of better, and that I didn't think this was the process for me.

As soon as I sent it, I thought OMGwhatthellamIdoing? That this is probably resistance, or transference, or some combo platter of the above.

But as I was drafting an OMGWTHAID email, I got a response back, telling me good luck in the future. That was it. Goodbye and good luck.

So now what do I do? I feel like I would need to do some groveling in order to go back. But I also don't want to 'start over' with another T and have to talk about all this trauma stuff again.

Thanks in advance for your insights.
Gretchen

[coolibrarian]

Three months is not a very long time to be in therapy. I would not go back to him, but rather try and find another therapist. Hopefully, it will be a better one. Good luck.

[susannahsays]

Your ex-therapist sounds unpleasant. No validation? Like, ever? I mean, I generally think most therapists go overboard on the validation, but to never validate anything seems unnatural and damaging, especially when dealing with trauma.

[nottrustin]

Does you T specialize in trauna??

[LonesomeTonight]

Maybe your T misunderstood it as a termination email? Still, sounds like you'd be better off with a different T. Validation is very important for me. But if you want to try again with this one, I'd reply and say you didn't intend to terminate, you were just expressing your thoughts. Do you have an upcoming appointment on the books?

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Maybe your T misunderstood it as a termination email? Still, sounds like you'd be better off with a different T. Validation is very important for me. But if you want to try again with this one, I'd reply and say you didn't intend to terminate, you were just expressing your thoughts. Do you have an upcoming appointment on the books?

[unaluna]

I doubt that anybody is here because they got out of a bad situation too soon.

[Seelenna1982]

That is a very strange and uninformative reply. No groveling on your end needed what so ever!! It seems like this therapist maybe isn’t cut out for managing trauma patients. I’d strongly suggest shopping around for a new T. You should be able to talk about anything you need to (when you’re ready of course) but also have some options of support. Trauma work is hard and it does make you feel broken between sessions. It’s a lot to open up and manage.

I hope you find someone compassionate and comforting to do this work with you.

[ElectricManatee]

That seems very odd. Even if it were a termination email, it seems like the therapist would encourage you to come in and end things in person. Like others here, I don't know if this T is necessarily cut out for trauma work. I think some amount of warm fuzziness and some amount of outside contact can be crucial for helping people through trauma without leaving them to fall apart between sessions.

So I don't think you would be out of line to clarify that you weren't ending things with this T, but I do think moving on might be a good idea. I know it's tough to start over, but you need to be sure that you have a good companion for this journey.

[Ididitmyway]

This T doesn't sound compassionate and humane. She sounds like a robot who operates by the program installed. I don't understand how someone like her can be a trauma specialist. The way she cut you off was really harsh. I am sorry it happened. I would not contact her to explain what you meant to say. Things were not working well for you anyway, so I'd just move on and find someone better. This ending may be harsh and painful, but ultimately it may be for the better, as now you'll have the opportunity to get a better therapist. Good luck.

[GretchenC]

Thanks to all. She is a certified trauma T, but not big on validation or reassurance. I knew that about her going in, so it’s no ones fault but my own. But I’m blown away by the immediacy of the “Goodbye and good luck” response. I emailed her back and asked if we could try a different approach, but have not heard back. Feels...awkward. Thanks for listening.

[SalingerEsme]

My thought is that this person shouldn't be treating trauma. I am so sorry. Your experience is normal, and ideally your T should have given a kind of informed consent -spirited conversation about how this can happen. My trauma T is very strict, but in that case he likely would write back something like " this is something for us to talk abut on Wednesday , and we will get to the bottom of it together". Some t's view ethics as not trying to hold on to a patient against their will, so benefit of the doubt is they have feelings of wanting you to stay, but they wanted to go by the boo.

Originally Posted by GretchenC

Long time lurker, first time poster.

In therapy for 3 months. My T is very by-the-book; no emotion, no validation, strict boundaries, no texts/emails/calls. We've been doing trauma stuff. I feel like my anxiety is better, but depression is worse. Kind of like debriding a wound. Short-term relief, but then worsening of depression as I'm left with a gaping hole that I don't know what to do with. So I sent an email to my T saying that bringing up traumatic stuff made me feel broken, that I felt like I was getting worse instead of better, and that I didn't think this was the process for me.

As soon as I sent it, I thought OMGwhatthellamIdoing? That this is probably resistance, or transference, or some combo platter of the above.

But as I was drafting an OMGWTHAID email, I got a response back, telling me good luck in the future. That was it. Goodbye and good luck.

So now what do I do? I feel like I would need to do some groveling in order to go back. But I also don't want to 'start over' with another T and have to talk about all this trauma stuff again.

Thanks in advance for your insights.
Gretchen

[GretchenC]

… and because I must *really* be a loser, I emailed her again. (Twice in 3 days). No response. Ugh. I'm pathetic.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by GretchenC

Thanks to all. She is a certified trauma T, but not big on validation or reassurance. I knew that about her going in, so it’s no ones fault but my own. But I’m blown away by the immediacy of the “Goodbye and good luck” response. I emailed her back and asked if we could try a different approach, but have not heard back. Feels...awkward. Thanks for listening.

It's not your fault and you did not say anything 'wrong'. You stated how you felt.

She is the one being intransigent and not willing to engage in dialogue.

Tbh, I see it as good riddance to bad rubbish. It's not even about "validation" or "reassurance" but basic communication skills that she fails at. Does she even have clients?? I am bewildered that she is also a trauma T. That is scary.

[SalingerEsme]

I am so sorry you made yourself vulnerable, and she is doing this.

[Lrad123]

This seems like such strange behavior for any therapist and my heart goes out to you. I’ve sent similar emails to my therapist and he’s always been understanding. I’m trying to find an excuse for your T just because it seems so odd to me. Is it possible she doesn’t read emails certain days of the week? Mine never responds (no matter what) after 5:00 pm on Thursday thru 7:00 am on Monday, but he would likely respond at least briefly on Monday morning. I’m hoping that’s what’s happening with your T. I’m sorry you are going through this.

[ElectricManatee]

I know you're probably cringing right now because being rejected hurts regardless of who does it, but this therapist did you a big favor. It sounds like your email was fairly thoughtful and mild, and if it made her immediately terminate therapy, then this T is not made of very tough stuff. I have criticized my T in pretty blunt terms over some kind of odd complaints, and I have faith that nothing I say would ever make her terminate with me. You need that kind of confidence in the relationship to really get into deep, dark things, so you're better off finding a therapist who can comfortably go there with you.

[Out There]

Very wise EM , if that's her reaction to something like that , it would be better to find another T. She doesn't sound cut out to be a trauma T at all. Don't blame yourself OP. Good luck with finding a good T. Often when these things happen , it teaches us a bit of a litmus test skill that that's not going to be helpful. But it's painful nonetheless and that's understandable , that's how we grow , but it may not feel like that at the time.

[BudFox]

Traumatized by a trauma specialist. And nothing in place to prevent it.

Reassurance is not a technique, it's a basic facet of normal human interaction.

Seems many therapists are either legitimate sociopaths, or their minds have been so warped by training/programming that they have no idea how aberrant their behavior is.

As for resistance, transference... personally I tend to go with more straightforward narratives... e.g. feeling worse from therapy is just that, feeling worse from therapy.

[Out There]

I got traumatized by a trauma specialist. And I just got traumatized by the psychiatrist boss of a trauma specialist ( the said specialist was very good though ). It does seem you're right in a way Budfox , every third person seems to get traumatized in therapy.

[GretchenC]

So, I'm back with my T, sort of. I'm on a waiting list.
Apparently, it's the policy for this location. If you are late or miss a session, you have to wait for your next appt. If you say you are going to quit, you are taken at face value and you are disenrolled. If you want to come back, you are on a wait list for the next available new pt slot, which may be weeks or months out. Nothing personal, just business.

I am envious of the relationships that many of you have with your Ts. But for me, maybe it's better this way. It certainly makes me think twice before engaging in any passive-aggressive behaviors (although that was not my intent). So, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.

Thanks to all of you for listening.

[susannahsays]

Do you really think this person is worth waiting for? She doesn't sound like it.

[Lrad123]

Thanks for the update. Is it possible to look into other therapists while you wait on this waitlist?

[GretchenC]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Thanks for the update. Is it possible to look into other therapists while you wait on this waitlist?

I don't think so. That would involve even more distress. If I find one that I like, then I have to have yet another awkward email with my current T. And if I can't find one, then that just reinforces my feeling like a loser. It's easier to stay where I am. I've given myself a week for a decent pity party, then it's time to suck it up buttercup and just do the hard work. But thanks for the idea.

[seeker33]

I'm so so sorry you have to go through this. It seems like you've decided to stay. I hope it works for you. However if you still don't feel right with that T, know that it's probably their fault, not yours. One has to feel comfortable in therapy in order for it to work. It doesn't seem like this therapist cares about the human aspect of therapy. However I guess there have to be some positives because you've decided to stay. I hope they outweigh the negatives for you.