Couch 189: The Oxford Couch

Ah but *that* mom still got everything done in the end.

How did your session go NP?

It's all good! I'm working up to it....

I didn't tell him. He brought up some things from our relationship that he thinks might make it harder for me to share, things he apologized for, but after that talk the air just kind of went out of the session. I'm not sure why, but it wasn't a good feeling.

I got a very large package from my mother last night which was mostly my dad's stuff. I ended up having a bit of a breakdown and sunk even lower into my depression. I'm taking a personal day from work today. Session in four hours. Maybe I'll tell him today.

I'm actually excited to go to my therapy session later today, it feels weird. We've been doing good work these past few weeks and I am eager to continue I guess.

My T and my clinical supervisor both think my uni are unnecessarily digging their heels in and can't understand the way they're acting. Talking it out with her has made me feel so much better today. I'll get through the project with or without a competent academic supervisor.

Hugs, NP...

Good Morning Couchies! How is everyone doing? I'm anxious today but I haven't taken any medicine yet, but I think I'm going to. I don't like taking it because it makes me sleepy and dopey but on the other hand, this anxiety is way too much today and I need to be able to function halfway decently. My recent SH has really gotten me shook up. I talked to a friend IRL about it yesterday and she was telling me, not to feel guilty, and stuff like that, and I tried to take it in, but it's hard. Another friend sent me a beautiful text about things she loves about me, and this is great but I'm also feeling like crap, like I don't deserve it and that fuels the SH thoughts even more. I need to get them out of my head. If I was with former T I could email her about all of this. But I'm stuck with it by myself until I see my T next which is March 1. But I really should cancel that because I forgot at the time it's my Dad's birthday. I see my PDOC next week so I can tell him about it, but it's not like there's time to go into my feelings about it and why I am feeling so guilty about it, and why I'm still having thoughts of it etc. With former T I could have just been emailing about it this whole time and getting support. And even though some of my friends have texted me support, I still feel like I need more, but it's hard to ask my friends for more support. That's where being able to email with former T was great. I'm rambling. Sorry about that. Anxiety sucks! HUGS if anyone wants one! Kit

Also a coworker left some Valentine candy on my desk today! How sweet! Kit

I am exhausted. Forced myself to be at work today. Re-starting one med and will start on a mood stabilizer next to see if it helps. Everything is a waiting game, and i don’t know if i have it in me to do it. The only “good” thing is that i have zero energy to do anything drastic.

HUGS Velcro

I love this! Im definitely trying to keep things below this level, for once!
I ordered some 100 pct cacao chips - im hoping theyre not TOO good, IYKWIM!

Hugs, velcro

I just called L and I'm going today at 4:30.

good luck artie.

i just sat in my car for 10 min and cried.

More hugs, velcro.

You're getting good support and that's important too.

How nice!

H went out and bought me flowers... I cried.

I have been crying a lot this week....

Artie, crying sucks. But it can also be a release. Cathartic. Although it tends to give me a headache. I hope you don't get a headache. HUGS Kit

My boss had a bad night at the hospital so they are not moving her to a rehab facility today. She was doing really well when I saw her yesterday so I'm not sure what made her spiral down. Maybe just the pain medications interacting with her other medical issues/problems. I'm really sad that she's not doing well today because she had been doing really good. I hadn't planned on going to the hospital tonight because I hadn't planned on her being there. But now maybe I need to adjust my schedule to do that. I wanted to spend more time with her dog who has been alone all these days that she's been in the hospital except for me going over and feeding her. But she's starting to dig in the yard and stuff and I know that's anxiety, boredom, etc. She needs interaction. So tonight I was planning on spending time with the dog. Now I don't know what to do. Kit

Hugs, kit. I'm sorry that's happening. Good of you thinking of the pup too.

Aw, that's so sweet of him.

Speaking of crying, a little embarrassed that I broke down crying when I started talking to T about his vacation (he leaves Saturday for about 10 days). He was really understanding and accepting though. I said I knew we'd had a conflict the first time he'd gone away, over a year ago, because he didn't seem to understand why i was sad that he was going away. He said today that at the time, we hadn't been seeing each other that long, and he hadn't felt we'd built up much of a relationship, so he was more puzzled that I'd miss him in particular. But now I've been seeing him a year and a half, plus see him twice a week, so he completely understands that I'll miss not just the therapeutic space, but him. He just seemed really compassionate about all of it. I started crying again as we said goodbye because he said he wanted to make sure I knew it was still OK to email, and he was just looking at me with so much caring. (Thankfully, the guy in the waiting room didn't look up as I walked out all teary-eyed.)

On a less weepy note, much of the session was lighter, and we did a fair amount of joking around--like saying he was actually going to prison for 10 days (I said I hoped he'd have fun--assuming was a fun trip--which led to him saying that), and I'd call and be like "What's that noise in the background?" and he'd say, "Oh, just the yard" (as in prison yard), and I was saying he'd come back with a gang tattoo. And various other things. So that was nice because it made me feel connected--and as I said, I ddin't want a heavy session. T: "You didn't want me to leave you with a big ball of trauma to carry around the next week?" Me: "Yeah, not so much!"