Couch 189: The Oxford Couch

Feb 12, 2019, 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I dont believe this is something you did to him as such, it's just something you are. If you could turn off your feelings and be what he wanted then maybe you would have done so but you cant shut it off. You are who you are and you deserve happiness like everyone else does. I wish you so much luck in the coming weeks and months, they may not be easy but they are a path to something else. Whatever you decide you know you took a giant step toward honesty and truth and that was so brave.

Thank you so much for that.

Feb 12, 2019, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

To be blunt, she probably knew this would happen. I certainly would have bet money on it, and I don't even know you.

I'm not sure how you can take advantage of someone in a fee for service business model.

She likely did, at that. She knows me well.

unaluna · 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I can never forgive Luna for being right.

Eureka!!

Eta - boy, i conked out, but by my email from the apartment mgr, it looks like i slept thru some power outages. Where is everybody? Im awake now!

ScarletPimpernel · Feb 12, 2019, 11:18 PM

H is out car shopping... So he wants to buy a new camry or corolla? Forget which. It's a hybrid. Of course he wants top of the line = $38k. His Tesla at best is $45k. He owes $30k on the Tesla. I don't see how this is supposed to help us financially...

I need a mental vacation. I was dreaming last night of being back in a crisis house. I'm not really in a crisis, so it's not possible to go. But it would be nice to just escape all this madness for awhile.

I see T tomorrow!!! So happy for that. And H has 2 job interviews this week! I hope something pans out.

WarmFuzzySocks · Feb 12, 2019, 11:25 PM

An article from one of the podcasts in today’s feed:

Why Your Cat Sticks Its Butt in Your Face

Timely.

Feb 12, 2019, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Eureka!!

Eta - boy, i conked out, but by my email from the apartment mgr, it looks like i slept thru some power outages. Where is everybody? Im awake now!

I'm here are you still?

unaluna · Feb 12, 2019, 11:49 PM

@ArtieSwimsOn hi

Feb 12, 2019, 11:56 PM

Hi
@unaluna

unaluna · Feb 13, 2019, 12:01 AM

It really felt like a huggy cozy couch this afternoon, people were here for you

Feb 13, 2019, 12:05 AM

I know and I appreciate everyone SO MUCH I can't even express how much.

Feb 13, 2019, 12:05 AM

Hugs scarlet.

Feb 13, 2019, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

Umm...new cat has not yet arrived, and I've got work to sit on.

My old cat is no help. He thinks I should be able to work just fine while he parades back and forth across my lap sticking his fluffy hindquarters in my face and complaining at me until I stop working and pet him, at which point he decides he really doesn't want my attention after all.

Hmmph.

One of my cats tries to sprawl across my keyboard while I'm working. I pick him up and try to lay him on my lap but he wants the keyboard!

Feb 13, 2019, 12:21 AM

There was live music in the bar under our room earlier, a gal singing Joni Mitchell songs she was pretty good.

CantExplain · Feb 13, 2019, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Eureka!!

Eta - boy, i conked out, but by my email from the apartment mgr, it looks like i slept thru some power outages. Where is everybody? Im awake now!

If the power fails in a forest while Luna is asleep, is it really off?

Lemoncake · 02:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

The course leader said he's spoken to the head of the department (who I've never met or heard about) who said I have to discuss it with horrible supervisor woman. Never mind my wellbeing or anything.

Even every head of department usually has a boss. Start trying to get everything they say down in writing, email your course leader again, asking why it's been changed after the previous decision, then you also have a copy of it and you would have "proof".

Keep a log of dates and all conversations. Which you can refer to.

Involve your student support center if you can. Escalate it and don't back down. Unless she is the only supervisor available. I don't understand why you should work with someone you don't want to if you've already explained your problems with her.

Lemoncake · Feb 13, 2019, 02:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. The world is full of therapists.

(And I think you would be well served by seeing someone new and different.)

You speak Latin and Seuss!

Lemoncake · Feb 13, 2019, 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

she did, she responded "ok". i just say she's probably sick of me because i turned down coming back several days ago and now I'm asking to after all (briefly but still). i'm am afraid she thinks i take advantage of her. i didn't mean to. i did not plan this.

I think: short reply just to acknowledge your email and to encourage the real discussion in session.

Clients are allowed to change their minds about turning up.When you're ready, you're ready not a minute before or after.

Lemoncake · Feb 13, 2019, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

It really felt like a huggy cozy couch this afternoon, people were here for you

“Pooh, how do you spell love?' 'You don't spell love Piglet, you feel it”

Lemoncake · Feb 13, 2019, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

H is out car shopping... So he wants to buy a new camry or corolla? Forget which. It's a hybrid. Of course he wants top of the line = $38k. His Tesla at best is $45k. He owes $30k on the Tesla. I don't see how this is supposed to help us financially...

I need a mental vacation. I was dreaming last night of being back in a crisis house. I'm not really in a crisis, so it's not possible to go. But it would be nice to just escape all this madness for awhile.

I see T tomorrow!!! So happy for that. And H has 2 job interviews this week! I hope something pans out.

I'm sorry Scarlet but his behavior doesn't make sense to me. I thought the house was being sold to save money. Another new expensive car isn't going to do anything, but add even more repayments on top. Nobody really needs a super expensive car, I would have thought that the Tesla car would have been the first things to go. Any huge purchases should be discussed properly. Where is your say in this?

I think dreaming of staying in a crisis house, just to get a break is saying something in big capital letters. You mentioned previously a while back you were scared his anger may also start up again. A normal relationship wouldn't have this component.

CantExplain · Feb 13, 2019, 03:07 AM

Is there such a thing as a "financial divorce" where you stay married but are not responsible for each other's debts?

Feb 13, 2019, 03:10 AM

Hugs Artie. You're not alone, other women have walked the path before you. It's hard, and you will survive.

Lemoncake · Feb 13, 2019, 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Is there such a thing as a "financial divorce" where you stay married but are not responsible for each other's debts?

Are you in the dark about your partner’s finances? - Debt - Guides | moneyfacts.co.uk

I found this, but it's a UK site.

Quote:

Are you liable for your partner's debts?

Any joint debts you have, such as a mortgage, loan, credit card and even a joint bank account with an overdraft, will be treated by the lender as "jointly and severally liable".

That means that if one of you can't pay – due to death, accident, sickness or even abandonment – the other party, i.e. you, is responsible for the whole debt.

On the other hand, it can sometimes be the case that borrowing is undertaken by the more creditworthy partner, for the benefit of the other partner. Because you are a team you don't see it as a problem – that is until things go wrong…

Debts that are held in just your partner's name would not be your responsibility should your partner not be able to repay. Even if you're a named cardholder for your partner's credit card, it is their debt, not yours. Conversely, if you take on a debt in your sole name for your partner and they then leave, you are lumbered with the repayments.

Echos Myron redux · Feb 13, 2019, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

You cannot take advantage of a therapist. You pay them for their time. Making an appointment with them is their job.
There are people who are out but remain married and have open arrangements.
I do not find it unusual that the therapist just responded ok. There is not much else to say about it that can't wait until the appointment.

Á therapist I don't know very well said to me the other day "I used to offer out of session contact, but people take advantage don't they?". I ignored his invitation for collusion and replied "it's the therapist's responsibility to make their own decisions on boundaries and not offer something they aren't able to provide".

That was my tactful response. Nothing I hate more than an 'us and them' attitude in therapists. I agree with you stopdog. You can't take advantage of a therapist. They and they alone are responsible for what they do and don't offer or agree to.

CantExplain · Feb 13, 2019, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Á therapist I don't know very well said to me the other day "I used to offer out of session contact, but people take advantage don't they?". I ignored his invitation for collusion and replied "it's the therapist's responsibility to make their own decisions on boundaries and not offer something they aren't able to provide".

That was my tactful response. Nothing I hate more than an 'us and them' attitude in therapists. I agree with you stopdog. You can't take advantage of a therapist. They and they alone are responsible for what they do and don't offer or agree to.

I imagine Stopdog would say that therapists are always "them" and never "us".

atisketatasket · Feb 13, 2019, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Is there such a thing as a "financial divorce" where you stay married but are not responsible for each other's debts?

The way to do that would be to have each partner keep their own money. Have one joint account for household stuff maybe. No putting both names on a title or loan.

It makes legal divorce much easier. I speak from experience.

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