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View Poll Results: What's Taboo to Say to a Therapist in Session?
I want to be with you in some kind of romantic way 11 17.46%
I want to be with you in some kind of romantic way
11 17.46%
I want to engage in nonromantic physical touch with you 10 15.87%
I want to engage in nonromantic physical touch with you
10 15.87%
I want a platonic relationship with you outside of therapy 11 17.46%
I want a platonic relationship with you outside of therapy
11 17.46%
I dream or fantasize about romance, touch, friendship with you 10 15.87%
I dream or fantasize about romance, touch, friendship with you
10 15.87%
I want to do something harmful to you 24 38.10%
I want to do something harmful to you
24 38.10%
I dream or fantasize about doing something harmful to you 14 22.22%
I dream or fantasize about doing something harmful to you
14 22.22%
Swearing or cursing at them 15 23.81%
Swearing or cursing at them
15 23.81%
Insulting or demeaning them as a person 32 50.79%
Insulting or demeaning them as a person
32 50.79%
Insulting or demeaning them as a therapist 21 33.33%
Insulting or demeaning them as a therapist
21 33.33%
Something else that is taboo to say (say what, if you like) 5 7.94%
Something else that is taboo to say (say what, if you like)
5 7.94%
Nothing is taboo in therapy 23 36.51%
Nothing is taboo in therapy
23 36.51%
Other (say what, if you like) 2 3.17%
Other (say what, if you like)
2 3.17%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 63. You may not vote on this poll

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  #26  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 04:14 PM
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My T has stated that the only things that are out of bounds are physically attacking her or bringing a weapon. Even property damage isn’t a dealbreaker, and there’s nothing I can say that’s out of bounds. (I do occasionally wonder if the rules would be quite so lax if I wasn’t someone who has significant difficulty with expressing anger in any overt way, including verbally. But my T is generally a straight shooter.)
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  #27  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 04:49 PM
blackocean blackocean is offline
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Not sure about taboo which is about refraining out of social or cultural contract. I would say the patient should say anything and everything on their mind so that the therapist is aware. So sure making or even implying a physical threat is “taboo” bc it crosses a line and so it may get you terminated but if I were a T i would want a client with violent ideation toward me to say that rather than hide it so it’s not a secret from me. By which I mean I would want all knowledge needed to make a decision whether it is safe for me to treat this person. But as for demeaning, i would welcome this because it says something to me about the patient that may need my help fixing that impulse. For ex if i were a woman treating a man and he said something misogynistic I would not LOVE that but it shows that the client has an issue with women that he needs to work on. If that makes sense. So I would say nothing should be held back in therapy.
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feralkittymom
  #28  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 04:55 PM
Salmon77 Salmon77 is offline
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My T would say nothing is off limits. I haven't really wanted (or not wanted) to say any of the things listed above, though.
  #29  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by blackocean View Post
Not sure about taboo which is about refraining out of social or cultural contract. I would say the patient should say anything and everything on their mind so that the therapist is aware. So sure making or even implying a physical threat is “taboo” bc it crosses a line and so it may get you terminated but if I were a T i would want a client with violent ideation toward me to say that rather than hide it so it’s not a secret from me. By which I mean I would want all knowledge needed to make a decision whether it is safe for me to treat this person. But as for demeaning, i would welcome this because it says something to me about the patient that may need my help fixing that impulse. For ex if i were a woman treating a man and he said something misogynistic I would not LOVE that but it shows that the client has an issue with women that he needs to work on. If that makes sense. So I would say nothing should be held back in therapy.
Can I change my vote. I think if somebody had strong urges to the point it impacts their therapy. Then yes they should speak up especially the romantic feelings or harm. Do the Y had full knowledge and decide how to handle it.

I answered the poll as do I believe they are taboo for me. For me they would be off limits as I cant imagine wanting to harm somebody verbally or physically especially to the extent that anybody was in danger.
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  #30  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 05:38 PM
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I also see taboos as socially/culturally determined, so the general theoretical principle of therapy being a space not constrained by taboos would seem to negate their influence. That said, there are always consequences to violating taboos, so circumstances would exert some influence on their expression. I interpreted this more as the taboos I've internalized and would not violate, not because of external responses, but because I wouldn't be ok within myself if I did. I would consider it a failing within myself. So I wouldn't demean a T as a person. Anything else on the list seems fine to me, and with the right T, I think would be appropriate.
Thanks for this!
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  #31  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 06:20 PM
Anonymous45023
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I seem to be in the minority, but I can't imagine doing ANY of those things, taboo or not. I'm honestly baffled by some of them -- like... romantic feelings?? If, IF such a thing happened to me, I'd change Ts. It is wildly inappropriate. I see my T not as some kind of object or "punching bag", but as a professional, a PERSON that I respect and exercise decent boundaries with like I would anyone else.

For me it's more about respecting boundaries than whether it's "taboo" or not.
  #32  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
I seem to be in the minority, but I can't imagine doing ANY of those things, taboo or not. I'm honestly baffled by some of them -- like... romantic feelings?? If, IF such a thing happened to me, I'd change Ts. It is wildly inappropriate. I see my T not as some kind of object or "punching bag", but as a professional, a PERSON that I respect and exercise decent boundaries with like I would anyone else.

For me it's more about respecting boundaries than whether it's "taboo" or not.
I agree. I really do think it comes down to respect for them as a person as well as a professional. I couldnt imaging working with somebody who I didnt have a mutual respect with
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  #33  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 06:38 PM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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Except that Ts working within a psychodynamic or analytic framework view themselves, at least in part, as objects of the client's projections. So a client who says, "I want to hurt you!" is seen as not really directing the emotion at the T/person/professional sitting in the room, but at the T as a substitute for someone else in the client's life.
So why would the T consider saying that a violation of a taboo? Or a sign of disrespect?
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Anne2.0, ElectricManatee
  #34  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 06:54 PM
ArtleyWilkins ArtleyWilkins is offline
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I don't think the saying of the words is the problem necessarily - as in not necessarily "taboo" or forbidden to speak the words (some people may be confusing words with actions). However, I can completely understand any professional being a bit wary of a person saying that want to hurt them in this day and age. Much would depend on the client, their history of volatility, level of stability, etc. I'm sure one client could say something like that and a therapist wouldn't bat an eye. But that same therapist might have this other client who they wouldn't put it past them to truly physically lash out.
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feralkittymom
  #35  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 07:01 PM
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Of course, a T should be aware of his client base. But I think most would rather the thoughts--especially if they are reflective of intent--be expressed, rather than be hidden, so as to put safety practices in place as necessary.
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, ArtleyWilkins
  #36  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 07:08 PM
ArtleyWilkins ArtleyWilkins is offline
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^^^^Of course.
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feralkittymom
  #37  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
I used the word "want to harm" rather than "threatens to harm" deliberately. Might it be acceptable (one's own personal line, not some kind of theoretical ultimate reality) to say "I'd really like to punch you in the face right now." I said that to my teenager once while following it up with "I'm not going to do it" in case he heard it as a threat. While I'm not sure it was my finest parenting moment and I don't make it a goal to say it again, I wanted him to know that I was angry in a very visceral way.

Now some people can wax about what they "want" to do in a really creepy way that is obviously threatening, so my technical word usage only goes so far. I'm not talking about that.

I think if it's not taboo to say you want to be romantic, it isn't really any different to say you want to cause harm. In my book, anyway, not trying to claim some absolute truth.
This reminded me that I have threatened (jokingly) to throw things at my T if she continued talking about some subject I wasn't a fan of.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
This is really kind of hilarious, and I don't mean that in a mocking way. At least under American ethics, a T can't break confidentiality even if a client has committed a murder (and, say, for example, someone else is on death row for it). A therapist can only break confidentiality to protect against future harm.

But "that would put me in an uncomfortable position" is a lovely way to put it, because you can see how perhaps sitting in a room alone with a murderer might make a therapist nervous. It's just a humorous take on a very serious subject.
My T has asked me if I've murdered someone before..more than once! haha. The first time she asked bc she said she didn't understand why I hated myself so much-have I murdered anyone? Then she followed that up with even if I did, we could work with that
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0
  #38  
Old Feb 21, 2019, 09:30 PM
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I just wouldn’t ever say any of these things to my T.
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  #39  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 03:22 AM
feileacan feileacan is offline
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Nothing is taboo in therapy in terms of talking. The boundary goes between talking and acting.
  #40  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 06:48 AM
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
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Originally Posted by velcro003 View Post
My T has asked me if I've murdered someone before..more than once! haha. The first time she asked bc she said she didn't understand why I hated myself so much-have I murdered anyone? Then she followed that up with even if I did, we could work with that
I love that. A very effective way to make a great point. Thanks for sharing that.
  #41  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 06:52 AM
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
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Originally Posted by InnerPeace111 View Post
I just wouldn’t ever say any of these things to my T.
Quote:
Originally Posted by feileacan View Post
Nothing is taboo in therapy in terms of talking. The boundary goes between talking and acting.
I am appreciative of the wide ranging views of people on this board. A concrete illustration of how therapy gets "done" in a variety of ways that hopefully suit the needs of individual people. And one for the possibility of discussing different ways of doing therapy without hissy arguments about what is right and wrong.
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
  #42  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 08:53 AM
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
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Originally Posted by feralkittymom View Post
Of course, a T should be aware of his client base. But I think most would rather the thoughts--especially if they are reflective of intent--be expressed, rather than be hidden, so as to put safety practices in place as necessary.
My T would say to anything that "thoughts are just thoughts." He has the same unflappable approach to thoughts of self harm. But I think I agree with you that a T's response to thoughts should be encouraging in the sense that there are different ways that thoughts are linked to potential actions for different people.

Your comment also makes me think about the consequences for when therapists and clients are not on the same page. A T who encourages an openness where the client doesn't (as expressed by some people here) have any desire or thinks it is "wrong" to say certain things, that seems like a good thing. But what if a client believes in expressing everything but is in partnership with a T who doesn't want to hear it? That seems like a mismatch. From my own history of silencing, I would have a negative reaction to being told I couldn't say certain things if I wanted to.
Thanks for this!
feralkittymom
  #43  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 10:55 AM
Anonymous56789
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Originally Posted by feileacan View Post
Nothing is taboo in therapy in terms of talking. The boundary goes between talking and acting.
Well stated.

That's how I see it too.
  #44  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 12:04 PM
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I am incredibly angry with my T right now, but wouldn't dream of saying anything defamatory to him or treating him as less than a person. I can think it, but I won't say it.
  #45  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Well stated.

That's how I see it too.

That’s how I saw it too. My therapist disagreed and it ended in disaster.

Best align on communication boundaries up-front. This can vary wildly between therapists, and being knee deep in transference anger is not the best time to discover your therapist has thin skin.
  #46  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors1 View Post
That’s how I saw it too. My therapist disagreed and it ended in disaster.

Best align on communication boundaries up-front. This can vary wildly between therapists, and being knee deep in transference anger is not the best time to discover your therapist has thin skin.
I think alignment of expectations can be good, but if the therapist isn't good with boundaries or have related competencies, it can lead to harmful experience just the same.

In my therapy, boundary issues come up organically, so that works better for me as opposed to defining them in the beginning of therapy. Not letting things emerge organically can block components of the therapy, sort of taint it. Ts doing this type of therapy often frown on setting up 'rules' like that.
  #47  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
I think alignment of expectations can be good, but if the therapist isn't good with boundaries or have related competencies, it can lead to harmful experience just the same.

In my therapy, boundary issues come up organically, so that works better for me as opposed to defining them in the beginning of therapy. Not letting things emerge organically can block components of the therapy, sort of taint it. Ts doing this type of therapy often frown on setting up 'rules' like that.
Your therapist seems to be on a different planet than mine was

I tend to think your run of the mill therapist wouldn’t appreciate most of the ‘taboo’ list.
  #48  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors1 View Post
Your therapist seems to be on a different planet than mine was

I tend to think your run of the mill therapist wouldn’t appreciate most of the ‘taboo’ list.
But the way it's done introduces more risk to the client, which is why they need extra training (includes years of their own analytic therapy) to do this therapy.
  #49  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 01:57 PM
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But the way it's done introduces more risk to the client, which is why they need extra training (includes years of their own analytic therapy) to do this therapy.
I don’t disagree.

Probably the biggest reason for the therapy casualties around here. Many therapists not trained well enough how not to upset people.
  #50  
Old Feb 22, 2019, 02:07 PM
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors1 View Post
I don’t disagree.

Probably the biggest reason for the therapy casualties around here. Many therapists not trained well enough how not to upset people.
I don't feel I know enough to understand the main reason(s) behind therapy casualties. But I do think that people vary greatly on the dimension of what upsets them. Some of what other people report on this board as finding positive, I'd run from in therapy or it would have a negative effect on me. Some of what other people have difficulty with, I don't. There is no universal prescription for not upsetting people, or for making people feel supported.
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