Poll: What's Taboo to Say to Your Therapist in Session?

All viewpoints are welcome. I'm not particularly interested in judgments about the moral or the "should" of what can or can't be shared with a therapist, and it's not about what the therapist can or can't say. I'm just interested in people's personal lines in the sand about taboo topic(s) -- if any.

So maybe if it's possible, we can not argue about who is right or who is wrong. You can say why you think this or that or not. I'm not an experienced pollster, so I'm sure my options are not nearly as clever or extensive as they should be. I'm just curious about what may be considered a "taboo" topic in therapy, or maybe there truly are none (this is a reasonable school of thought). On the other hand, I wonder if it's always useful to say what's on your mind.

On the other hand, I have found myself self-censoring on this board and sometimes elsewhere in my real life. I sometimes write posts and then just close a window. Sitting with a friend who repeatedly puts herself last before everyone in her family, I want to tell her to focus on what she wants. I don't. So I kind of wonder if I'm doing the same thing in therapy unconsciously or not. I'm interested to explore whether I don't say some things because I think they are taboo. Maybe I'm the only person who has ever experienced this issue, but I kind of think not.

I know many people communicate with their T's by email; maybe the rules are different about what can be said over email. As a lawyer I often discourage people from email for liability/proof reasons and as a human I often discourage email rather than the phone or in person for important or nuanced topics. But I'm not trying to constrain the topic if you want to take it to taboos via email or text or other written communication. I just don't have any experience with that.

I honestly can't think of a single topic that I won't broach with my T if it feels relevant. Sex, masturbation, menstruation, negative things about her (including the urge to damage her property), suicidal thoughts, other stuff that's too sensitive to mention here. Some things I have taken years to be able to talk about, and some things I will still discuss only very obliquely, but I have gotten to where I can trust her to discuss basically everything without worrying about her flying off the handle.

I should mention that there has never been actual harm intended toward myself or anybody else, so I'm not sure how I would handle that topic. I do email my T about things whenever I feel it would be helpful, but I won't email about particularly sensitive things because I don't want a written record. Those are for phone calls or, ideally, session time.

From the list above, I have talked about wanting nonromantic physical touch, having thoughts about wanting to do something harmful to her (but in a way that we both knew I wouldn't actually hurt her), and criticizing her as a person and as a therapist (but I'm not sure I would say "insulting"). I don't have any romantic feelings toward her, but I do have longings for her to be my mother, which we have talked about extensively. Honestly, being sexually attracted to her would be far less mortifying for me.

I only chose insulting or demeaning them as a person. They’re not there as a person imo. It would be bringing in an element that should stay outside.

I would quite happily insult or demean them as a therapist.

The only two I know he would have put a boundary on are saying I want to do something harmful to him (because that is a threat and any professional in their right mind has to take threats seriously). It wouldn't be forbidden to "say" it, but it would absolutely be a point of firm discussion and boundary (and absolutely should be). The other would be saying something to personally demean or insult him. He doesn't accept abuse, verbal or otherwise, from anyone (nor should he), and again, sure, I could say it, but it would be met with clear boundary.

Many on the list would be discussed in terms of "you can certainly think about them and we can discuss them," but they ain't gonna happen. He had very professional boundaries and talk/thinking is one thing; actions are quite another.

For ME the only topic listed that I would bring up is platonic touch. I cant imagine ever having romantic feelings towards her of I did I surely wouldn't say it. That and talking about wanting a friendship outside would surely have nothing positive come of it. I do believe T and I had somewhat of a friendship but it just happened over time but it was. Ot something either of us discussed. Ivant imagine fantasizing or want to harm them (or anybody in my life really). I also would never intentionally demean, curse or curse at other people. It just not me. If I felt this way about anybody, I would be very concerned. Not judging anybody in any way it is just not my nature

I picked without giving it much thought only "wanting to harm them" and "insulting and demeaning them as a person".

But maybe if the person is really serious about wanting to harm their T and even likely to carry on, maybe it would be better to talk about it. So I have doubts on that as well.

Not respecting him as a person and everyone should have that right to not tolerate disrespect or any type of abuse. Im pretty sure if i had any romantic thoughts towards him or any of the staff at day it would lead to automatic termination, they do not handle those types of things there.

I honestly can’t imagine saying ANY of those things to my T. One, bc none are an issue in my therapy, and two, because i probably would be mortified. That being said, with the exception of demeaning her as a person and T, wishing her harm, i bet I could bring up any of those topics and she’d handle them well. I can guess if i did insult her, she would handle it well-at least on the outside.

Only thing there I wouldn't say is that I want to do something to harm him. But I wouldn't say that to anyone. That's probably more about my aversion to that sort of thing than it is about whether or not it's taboo in therapy tbh.

I put other. My T has once said that the only thing that he'd rather not have me tell him is if I've intentionally killed somebody and haven't been caught since it would put him in an uncomfortable position. I don't think that any of the things you've listed are taboo to discuss in therapy.

I chose insulting or demeaning them as a person or as a T, and swearing at them, and wanting to do harm.

I swear a lot in therapy but never AT my T. I believe he is there is a service provider and deserves to be treated with respect.

I don't feel like I ever have to censor myself. I can say anything to him. Nothing is taboo for me. But I still don't feel comfortable bringing up sex, periods or masturbation.

Basically anything that would hurt the therapist as a person or as a therapist. I try to be very respectful of other people's feelings, and try to not intentionally hurt anyone (except myself, I do engage in SH). That being said, I can't imagine bringing up s-x or related topics, or romantic feelings about the T which thank goodness I have never experienced. I'm more of the maternal transference type. Kit

I think just about anything is ok in therapy with the exception of threats to harm..and I personally believe that alot of the subjects you listed should be covered in conversation either phone or in person and not through texting or email.

I get the rationale and I don't have any problem with it. There are two things I didn't put in the possible poll responses: 1) criticizing the therapist (because I think criticism is always okay) and 2) threatening to harm the therapist (as opposed to saying you want to) because that's a crime.

I do think one person's demeaning (for me it means tearing a person down for no constructive reason, attempting to harm them with words a.k.a. emotional abuse in romantic relationships) is another person's criticism and while I wouldn't do insults or criticism (or cursing at someone), I think it's fine if both client and therapist are on the same page. From reading here, I think I am more open minded about this than I used to be, and I think it can be helpful to clients to have this kind of freedom and I think it's great if the therapist can not take it personally. I personally wouldn't choose to work with someone who cursed at me or called me names or tried to tear me down. And it's my own personal choice not to relate to anyone with cursing or insults, or to put anyone down. I'm not judging others or saying they are wrong if that works for client and therapist.

I used the word "want to harm" rather than "threatens to harm" deliberately. Might it be acceptable (one's own personal line, not some kind of theoretical ultimate reality) to say "I'd really like to punch you in the face right now." I said that to my teenager once while following it up with "I'm not going to do it" in case he heard it as a threat. While I'm not sure it was my finest parenting moment and I don't make it a goal to say it again, I wanted him to know that I was angry in a very visceral way.

Now some people can wax about what they "want" to do in a really creepy way that is obviously threatening, so my technical word usage only goes so far. I'm not talking about that.

I think if it's not taboo to say you want to be romantic, it isn't really any different to say you want to cause harm. In my book, anyway, not trying to claim some absolute truth.

I think reading the options is muchly tied into our own therapy relationship. It was hard not to think me and my T when picking, because most of the things would not be possible. I think hell freezes before I cursed at my T (or anyone really). But I have learnt some clients and T's work that way and maybe it works for them.

The poll options can be described by three over-arching categories: desiring a non-therapeutic relationship, desiring touch, the ability to insult or cause harm. It seems to me that this would be an interesting conversation for you to have in session.

If you're talking to me, then no. I have no desire for a non-therapeutic relationship, touch, or to say potentially harmful things to my T. The poll options are things I've heard people wonder if they should talk about over the time I've been here. I'm personally interested in the general issue of "taboo" because I do think I self-censor myself and do not want to reveal certain things in therapy, not because of their "taboo" quality but for other reasons.

So it's a different thing altogether, but the same process.

This is really kind of hilarious, and I don't mean that in a mocking way. At least under American ethics, a T can't break confidentiality even if a client has committed a murder (and, say, for example, someone else is on death row for it). A therapist can only break confidentiality to protect against future harm.

But "that would put me in an uncomfortable position" is a lovely way to put it, because you can see how perhaps sitting in a room alone with a murderer might make a therapist nervous. It's just a humorous take on a very serious subject.

I love this response! You start a poll about taboos - those darkest and most repellent of desires which we repress into our unconscious - and yet the categorical descriptions created by you say nothing about your repressed desires! Oh no, no, no, you are simply the reporter of taboos, helping others to describe their repressions! What a tootle.

Thank you. Glad you're enjoying the thread.

I don’t think anything would be taboo with my T. If I wanted to do him harm I am sure it would cause him great concern but it would be just as much about his safety as it would be about what hurt so badly that it got me to that place. I honestly can’t imagine him not wanting to talk through any of the things on the list if they came up.

My Ts view is to bring whatever comes to mind to session which may include urges/impulses, fantasies, feelings, thoughts....anything arising from the depths of the mind. So there is nothing taboo or restricted from his view.

I trust him and am very open, letting down my defenses when we begin session, so there is nothing taboo from my end either. It would feel seriously odd to hold back what I'm feeling or thinking inside.

It's all grist for the mill.

No poll but I wonder if those who respond that wanting to harm a T is bot a taboo subject, I wonder of the is a gender bias. Do people thin it would be okay if the T his Male vs. female?