Couch 191: The Lazy Caterer Couch

I hate my birthday week, especially without T and my dog in my life. I am trying so hard to stay a float and not spiral like I usually do this week.
I don't want to go back to session yet.

Hmm. I guess I didn't think infants even have the language comprehension required to explain clear and consistent rules, let alone the faculties to understand why they are being punished if they don't follow them. But perhaps I'm selling them short.

They can understand things they cannot explain.

yeah I dont think they "get" punishment but I do think they get rules. even at daycare they all had rules. Again though the rules are catered to age and comprehension. Hands to yourself and dont hit are really easy ones to explain and follow. I do think everything has to follow age and be at their level.

Edited to say, that's just me though. I do think kids understand
Maybe not straight away but over time.

I think they "get" emotions. They get acceptance, deprivation, impatience. Cats and dogs dont talk either, but they "get" these signals also. Or anyone with a language difference.

Often words like discipline can mean such different things to different people, can’t they? Sometimes it is equated with punishment. And it can also be used in a broader more positive sense to mean all of the ways we can guide children to learn boundaries and self-discipline over time, like choice making, teaching positive behaviors to replace less desirable ones, encouraging self-awareness.

I think you’re right that littles don’t have the language to understand verbal explanations alone. Paired with consistent kind developmentally appropriate discipline that relies on clear and loving boundary-setting, the language becomes meaningful over time as they learn and grow.

I was debating. I asked T first for her opinion. I decided to tell CPS about the aunt. I know my sister and dad are going to be pissed. But I have to look out for the girls. I don't think the aunt is the best place for them. I told my mom. She wasn't mad at me, but at the situation.

And tomorrow, my sister's situation will get worse. My mom is going to tell her she has to find a job and contribute to rent if she wants to stay. My H said the same thing if she stays with us, but we figured out that she can't live with us due to our parking problems.

I feel so sick! This is a horrible situation. I feel like I betrayed my family.

I went to court with my sister. The judge told her she has 6 months to get herself together, otherwise the babies go up for adoption. This is all so sad.

Trigger for DV:
The attorney said that even if my sister was a perfect mother, she still made the decision to be with her boyfriend even after restraining orders. She put them in harms way. Judge said it too. And I agree.

I didn't mean discipline as in spanking or time outs or any kind of punishment. Just how you would teach a child "no". And when I said more strick, I mean that I'll tell the one year old no to probably more things than my sister would. For example: my sister lets the 1 year old play with a hammer...a real hammer. I wouldn't let that happen. She lets her climb up on a step stool that's counter height. Again, I wouldn't allow it.

Scarlet - So you are looking to get your nieces directly into foster care, without stopping first at their aunt's?

I would say, not that its any of my business, but if you are not going to take them, i would not stand in the way of any other family member taking them. Mostly because you are not offering a solution to CPS, you are just giving them another problem. And Im not sure if you have standing to do that? You may have an OPINION, but maybe not STANDING? And when a person doesnt have standing, other people dont always appreciate your two cents.

I say this having had my two cents thrown back at me more than once. It taints you.

Eta - wow, the hammer and the stool sound more like negligence or abuse, rather than even a minimum standard of care. This is really sad.

You really think that just because someone looks good on paper that they're qualified to be parents. You think that ignoring DV on video is qualified? Who is an alcoholic?

I'm not doing this because I want my nieces in foster. I also don't want them with the aunt. Technically, no one is freaking qualified! Except my H and I if we didn't live with my dad. My mom's not qualified either. It's a total mess!

But I didn't do this! Why is this my fault? I shouldn't say my concerns? That's how we got into this mess...people keeping secrets.

ETA: I'm sensitive to this right now because I feel like I betrayed my family. But I did what I thought was right. I can't change it. I was dragged into this situation and I'm trying my best.

ETA: they're already in foster care...

I have had my younger dog for 2 yrs and 1 month. He is still a giant goofus even though he is about to turn 3 in a few months. This breed usually matures around 2. I think he needs to read the manual.

Well, yeah, and that was exactly what I was thinking, only not in a way where it was a good thing. If you can't explain why something you don't like is happening to you, you tend to develop all sorts of unhealthy "understandings" about yourself and other people. But I guess it's different when the discipline or punishment (is that a taboo word?) or whatever we're calling it follows some sort of logic that the kid will eventually be able to understand without personalizing it.

Scarlet.. the truth is even voicing your concerns, unluna is right in that yours is just an opinion to cps and probably won’t have much bearing on the decision. Likely what will happen is they will stay in a temporary placement while your sister is given time to get her act together and show the court that she has changed her priorities. In the long run neither situations are ideal, but those kids need somewhere to go, if you feel so strongly about it could your dad go somewhere else just until the kids go back with mom ?

I am so confused about this terminology. Reminds me of when my T asked me if I had been "consequenced" for something as a child. I was so confused and asked her if she meant was I punished. I don't remember what she said to that...

I know it's just an opinion. Both families actually want the babies with my sister which I also agree with. My sister has 3 weeks till the next hearing. Then she might get unsupervised visits or overnight visits. But you seriously wouldn't say anything if you really were worried? Yes, it might not matter, but what if something did happen?

Eta: my dad can't afford to be on his own, so he'd be homeless if we kicked out. Otherwise, yes we would.

No, I am not saying don’t say anything. Share your view and knowledge of the situation. Just sharing with you my knowledge of the system. And sometimes actions speak louder than words. Tell the story, but give them action. I don’t know that situation, but if you feel like you and your h are the best possible solution and the only thing holding cps from letting the kids go with you is your father. Then, I would explore ways for my father could stay somewhere else for a short time just until kids could potentially go home with mom.

Yeah. I'll talk to H. My mom would also be a good choice, but she has involvement with CPS as well. My mom lives in a 55+ community, but would sell the house if it meant she could get the girls.

Custody battles are always ugly and I don't know anyone who thinks the law knows best.

Morning, Couch. Feeling somewhat frazzled today.

The immediate danger seems to be over, but I don't think my body and brain got the memo.

Spent 50 min in line yesterday to renew my license only to be told the new version of the license requires documents, so they sent me back, Sigh... so today will be attempt number 2. I hate going there, so many people in a small room. I am gonna try to get there close to opening time

I feel terrible mentally today. I need to get work done, but my brain is not cooperating. I have a 2-week deadline to get several projects finished, which is technically doable, but I'm feeling a lot of stress about it right now. I wish I could just disappear off the face of the earth. It feels like no one would miss me.

Hi Couchies. Yesterday's T session didn't go great. It wasn't horrible, just the session before last was so good that this one felt....bleh. I thought she would be really pleased for me that I gave up SH for Lent. But she said, it sounds like you're just going to SH on Easter then. I know she was trying to get me to think beyond Easter, but sheesh, that's like in a month. I still need to focus on getting through these days. I'm....disappointed maybe....over how the session went. Especially because I don't go back until April 15th. HUGS Kit

@SlumberKitty Oh, Slumber! I didnt think of your vow that way at all! I TOTALLY took it as using the spiritual power of the time of Lent to strengthen a change of heart. Not like, SH is jellybeans. i think your t has not integrated the idea of such a thing into her life, and still sees it as an outside rule to be followed, not a choice that is made.

NP, I would miss you. I don't know if internet randos count, though. It's like when my T and I argue about whether she's a real person.

I still wonder what happened to PC people who seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth, like anais.

Thank you Una. I needed this affirmation. Kit