[violon95]

I am proud of myself and happy about my progress. A year and a half with an old T and recently swiched for an other one. After about 10 session, I finally dropped a few tears about 3 mins from the end of the session! (He even had to extend the session a little because I guess it was so unusual for me to cry, he couldn't miss it!) haha...

I am just wondering... how do you deal with the pain, the sadness, the desire to be comfort and cared for when you come back home? 1 hr of comfort/safety-ish per week is nothing compared to ''the real life'' I experiment. Also, during T, how do you get comfort from your T? Sure he acknowledges my feelings, but I mean... How do I open my ''let him comfort you'' sensors. I honestly have no clue...lol

Hope this doesnt sound too wierd, and hope I get my message across! Thanks

[Omers]

I am going through the same thing (the other 167 hours... just ignore the tussle &#129315... it is so hard to leave that space with T and, for me, go back to the unhealthy relationships I have surrounded myself with. I have worked with many therapists over many years and two weeks ago was the first time I cried real tears with a T (that weren’t frustration or anger at the T). T knew if he acknowledged it I would stop so he paused, let his expression soften for a moment and just kept going only a tad softer and more gentle. I am fortunate that because of the type of T I have he was able/willing to reach out and hold my hand to comfort me before we ended. As for allowing it, my T kept it brief so that I did not have time to react, shut down or push him away which I think makes it easier to do again in the future.

[DP_2017]

I just snuggled with my dogs and did things I enjoy when I got home, or sometimes went right to bed.

I rarely cried with T.... but we discussed how I wanted him to comfort me so we did that, although in the final sessions, he changed and he was just sitting there, emotionless... so it was tougher on me. I would suggest thinking of what would be good comfort to you and ask if they are ok with it

With baby T...I don't cry. I just go on my day as normal when I'm done and I wont allow him to comfort me if I did. He needs to keep distant

[LonesomeTonight]

It can be difficult to deal with. And I frequently cry in therapy, sometimes really sobbing. I always pull myself together by the end when I'm leaving, so I imagine my T used to think I was OK. But then sometimes I'd make it to the car and start sobbing again. Or I'd be OK, maybe go run some errands, then get home and get emotional. Or it might not hit me until later that night or the next day. Or (like after Monday's session), I'm generally OK after. As for how I deal with it beyond that, in some cases, I just let it out. I might post on here. I might chat with online friends. I might email T (he generally replies within 24 hours, often sooner). I might talk to my H. I might listen to music. Try to put it out of my head and do work (I work from home). Or some mix of the above. Oh, and have a beer or two, but I wouldn't suggest that method. I did eventually tell my T that I probably seem fine when I leave, but stuff will hit me later.

I think it can just be difficult to leave this room where you're supported and accepted, you can share most any thought or feeling, and it's OK to cry in front of this other person, and then you have to go back to the real world, where it's not all like that. The contrast can be jarring.

As for comfort from my T...he's really not outwardly comforting when I'm crying. I mean, I grab my own tissues from the box next to me. It's not like he'd ever hug me or put his arm around him (he doesn't do touch other than handshakes). But there's something about his just sort of sitting there with me while I let it out that helps. Like he's...witnessing it or something. Almost like I'm handing some of the pain/sadness off to him. He will sometimes ask why I'm crying if it comes on suddenly/randomly, and we can talk about it. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, but it can make me realize certain feelings that I was maybe suppressing.

Hope this helps in some way...

[violon95]

I just feel so incomfortable when he even tries to say something I know is to comfort me. I dont know... Feeling shy maybe? Or this feels so wierd because I've never experienced it..

[Omers]

When I got uncomfortable with T comforting me he asked me “are you deserving of comfort?” My eyes hit the floor fast as I shook my head no. I could see his body tense without looking up. He knew the answer before he asked but it still hurt him to see my response. I am absolutely positive that will be coming back up in a future session. He is just now starting to see how I respond when he challenges my views on things and my self perceptions... up until the last session or two he would just comment on patterns without challenging the,.

[Amyjay]

I honestly think their job is not to comfort you, but to help you learn to comfort yourself. You are the only person who is always with you. If you can learn to give comfort to yourself whenever you need it, then you will never, ever be without comfort. It's like give a man fish or teach a man to fish. Who on earth would want to depend on one person for comfort for only one hour every week? That is just setting yourself up for pain.
A therapists job is not to give comfort. A therapists job is to model compassion, empathy and care and to assist clients to develop those skills within themselves.

There is nothing inherently wrong with sadness or strong emotions. They themselves can't hurt us. They are just feelings. They come, they go.
But setting yourself up to be comforted by someone who may or may not offer some form of comfort for one hour out of every 168 is utter madness.

Make your goal to learn from your T how to comfort yourself, and you'll be able to use self compassion to regulate your emotions and comfort yourself all on your own.

[violon95]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I honestly think their job is not to comfort you, but to help you learn to comfort yourself. You are the only person who is always with you. If you can learn to give comfort to yourself whenever you need it, then you will never, ever be without comfort. It's like give a man fish or teach a man to fish. Who on earth would want to depend on one person for comfort for only one hour every week? That is just setting yourself up for pain.
A therapists job is not to give comfort. A therapists job is to model compassion, empathy and care and to assist clients to develop those skills within themselves.

There is nothing inherently wrong with sadness or strong emotions. They themselves can't hurt us. They are just feelings. They come, they go.
But setting yourself up to be comforted by someone who may or may not offer some form of comfort for one hour out of every 168 is utter madness.

Make your goal to learn from your T how to comfort yourself, and you'll be able to use self compassion to regulate your emotions and comfort yourself all on your own.

Thanks Amyjay! Yes I know its my job and not his to comfort me. But I have no clue how to do so right now, so its getting really hard to deal with it..

[Anne2.0]

After a certain point, because I used to be really shut down emotionally, I began to welcome the sadness/grief/pain like a long lost relative I haven't seen. Because it was a part of me that I'd sluffed off and neglected, because I hadn't had a space before therapy to talk about these experiences that brought the painful feelings. Changing how I felt about experiencing these emotions definitely helped me get some distance from the intensity of them.

But in the long run, self care in all kinds of ways is what has helped me cope with everything the world tosses at me, including the things I do to myself. Turning on my lightbox first thing in the morning over the winter, making sure I get healthy food and exercise, and doing the other things I can is my best comfort, including asking those in my social support network directly for support or sharing that this week or whatever has been difficult.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by violon95

Thanks Amyjay! Yes I know its my job and not his to comfort me. But I have no clue how to do so right now, so its getting really hard to deal with it..

Yes, that's what his job is... to help you learn how to do it. When someone is desperate for comfort it is hard not to pin hopes on being comforted... but it really is such an amazing thing to learn how to do for yourself. It takes time. But a good T will help you with it. Make it a priority in your therapy if it is hard for you. The sooner you can support and care for yourself emotionally the easier it will be for you all round.

[NeedHaldol]

I have not been in therapy for over 4 years now.

I tried to go to one again and she was the type who would ask a question and not reply to my answer and just sit there waiting for me to continue.

I can talk to a wall if that's all there is.

My old therapist was very good. I finally found a good one with the help of my wife (she helps me all the time). It was actually with a practice for adopted people and adopters. I was adopted.

After I was adopted, my adopted mom died when I was 4.


I have no memories of her or that time. They literally start at the marriage of my step mom and my dad. I know there is a ton of sh"" that is repressed. I can feel it's weight on me, but I can never put it down.


We ended up not talking about the past or adoption and just tried to figure out coping mechanisms to help me with my illness. My wife actually came for a bit for couples therapy about my illness.

About 6 years ago my dad passed from a fatal stroke. He was my one rock (besides my wife) in this world. Growing up he coached all my sports teams and taught me how to pitch in baseball (he was a star pitcher at west point) Later in life, we worked together and had an hour drive in and out of work. So lets say 2 hours a day for 5 days a week for 6+ years. That's a lot of time. I feel so blessed to have had that time with him.

When I failed out of college, I joined the Army. He had retired as a full bird colonel. We had another thing to tie us together We knew that military life.

I have 2 letters from my mom when she wrote to me when she ways dying. I cannot read them without sobbing viciously.

I tap into the pent up emotion so much. At almost everything when I am in a safe space to allow that to happen. I know there is so much pain and loss and feelings of abandonment that I carry.

The weird thing is that I don't want to let it go. I feel maybe by keeping this pain, I am keeping them both alive. Maybe twisted or unhealthy, but I need that pain.