Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

this new layout is driving me mad. i change the theme back to PC and if i refresh it reverts to responsive blue or whatever

It's okay LT.

If you use outlook you can set up emails to leave at different times. Which you can delete before they're sent out.

today's poem is done. thank you susannahsays you provided the inspiration.

Would he be open to working with you online, so you could see him from your home?

Una said there's a way to change it back in the tech forum.

Yay!

I wanna be your muse.

I've typed up a couple separate texts to ex-MC, then deleted them without sending. I guess that's some sort of progress? Because I know I likely wouldn't gain anything from sending them. (They were both basically like "Today is the anniversary of our termination with you. T has been helping me quite a bit. But I miss you. And hope you're doing well. --LT (including last name because I'm sure he's deleted me from his address book)

I wish T allowed contact after certain hours. Damn it.

Electric Manatee, I am making the lentil stew you posted the other day. (But with chicken broth instead of veggie.) It smells fantastic! I am serving it with dinner rolls I pulled out of the freezer and green salad. I love easy dinner!

Hugs, LT. I'm sorry today is so difficult for you. I think it is progress that you deleted the texts without sending.

Ooh I have veggie broth in the fridge and a bag of regular lentils in the pantry.... I should go find that recipe and make it myself.... thanks for reminding me about it!

But wouldn't una get jealous?

What's something small you can do to help yourself in this moment now?

Could you write a "response" from him?

Likely but I'm pretty sure Idris Elba would help her through. You could have sections in your book, based on different topics. Each area with a note to everyone.

Thanks, Art. I just kept thinking, "How would I feel if he didn't reply?" or if he didn't reply for a week. Or if he was just like, "I'm good, thanks!" I wish I could talk to T right now. I mean, I talked to him for 55 minutes earlier today, it seems like that should be enough, but so much came out of that. Like stuff about ex-MC. How at one point, it felt like he was possibly the most important person in my life--ever (not like in that moment). And now it's just...I mean, I couldn't be like "Hey, could I meet with you?" There's a tiny chance he'd be willing to meet for a session with me and H. Or...I was talking to T today about something we'd discussed before termination, whether I could meet with both T and ex-MC, so that T could be a sort of mediator. I have no idea if ex-MC would ever agree to that or if would have any value to me or would just hurt me more. But I feel stuck at the moment, so I don't know...Why is this still affecting me so much a year later? I mean it hasn't been a constant feeling of loss. But it's quite intense when it's there.

i have tried this and saved it 4 times it just doesnt stick

H is out on a job tonight and the house is so quiet. I should probably go light some candles and take a bubble bath or something and take advantage of the quiet huh! I turned in my paper earlier and wrote a couple more discussion posts so I'm good for this week with school. Don't feel like starting on Chapter 10 yet. I can't believe we're already on Chapter 10!

Since our big relationship discussion last week, my therapist has taken to telling me that at that moment, there's nowhere he'd rather be than with me (as opposed to me being a burden or some other form of unpleasantness). It feels good to hear and part of me wants to believe him. Another part wonders if it's just something he dreamed up to tell me. I think living for so long with a person who in turns would tell me something, tell me the opposite of that thing, and then act like the opposite of that thing was true has really messed with my truthfulness radar. I'm going to attempt to stay with he's being genuine when he says that.

LT, I'm sorry you're struggling tonight. The relationship was important to you so it makes sense that you're still affected by losing it. The same goes for you, Artie.

I wish t’s confidence in me could be easily transferred and I’d feel the same way about myself that he does.

I feel so alone tonight.

My GP appointment is in an hour and half. I hope she can give me something for the anxiety she is usually reluctant due my addiction history but I alternate between profuse sweating nausea and dizziness and being really dry and extremely thirsty I feel like I am on the verge of passing out at times

I always read your posts and wish you peace but I struggle with what to say that would be helpful

Doc john said something too in one of the tech threads about it.

Im polymusearous

Thank you. I just feel alone in the world. Or like a fish out of water. I understand that sometimes nothing can be said. But I appreciate you and anyone else who reads. Just to know that someone hears me.