Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

I am here at the doctor o can barely keep from crying I feel so stupid I didt realise I was this attaxhed

You're not stupid BCM. Going to the doctor can be hard. keep posting here.

Awww I think that's lovely. One day you will believe it.

When you're feeling better, you'll be able to see it. for now trust him as much as you can.

I'm around and willing to listen .

Thank you. I don't want to ***** anymore than I have about my life. I just feel so alone without T. L is good, but not T. I didn't get my end of session hug I don't want one from L...yet. She says all the right things, but in too many words. And she doesn't or at least hasn't provided me with any comfort or reassurance. How can she? She doesn't know me. T knows me completely. She would know exactly what to say to me. Part of me wants to go to the hospital. But who would do everything at home? And I can't afford it since I lost my Medicaid. Same with a crisis house. And I only get 10 anxiety pills a month. I have to ration it. Right now, I'd use it everyday if I could.

I just don't feel like I have anyone who has my back. Everyone is wrapped up in their own or each other's drama. No one but me is worried about me. And everyone depends on me in some form or another.

I just want T back. I wish I had my last session. It's not fair. I know she didn't do it on purpose. I know that's not what she wanted. But I'm left feeling confused and angry along with the grieving.

I don't know. I just don't want to be alone.

ok i explained what happened with T to my gp and she made certain that i still really want to go back to T and she is going to talk with T after his holidays in case there is a thin chance he might take me back i am really not holing out much hope as my experience in the past has been he is just as stubborn as i am. He gve recommendations for another T but it was the T i rng yeterday. My gp is going to ask if my t knows any male ts tht may be suitable if coming back to see himint posible. at least she could see the misunderstanding. maybe i dont communicate things well with him.

I hope he does take you back and it's good GP is talking on your behalf. I don't like his attitude.

Your feelings are valid and real. T is going to come back, can you give new T some pointers? like that at this moment you'd like more reassurance.

I think if you need to get away for a bit, and you're in crisis mode perhaps just two days at a hotel or something would be the best place to keep you safe. House work can always wait.

Stupid R emailed at 8am.

Go or not?

Last session before he leaves....

I don't want to talk if he's not listening.

April, day 5. Shoulder pain at a 6/10.

just for my own education, is this what is known as a rupture.

Have you seen a doctor?

It's all ok and normal to feel this stuff. Have you read up on grief? I struggle OVER a year later with my dog and no it's not the same as a person but I promise I will be a mess come December when it is a year with my person too. It's ok to still miss them and did Ex MC ever cut off all contact with you? Sometimes T's do allow sessions again with former clients. I would suggest REALLY thinking about it for a few days or weeks and then maybe trying it IF you think it could somehow help you get closure. How would your H feel? Do you guys still feel you could benefit from a MC? Seeing a MC could give you another resource for though times too, it doesn't have to be Ex MC either, just anyone. Have YOU thought of a second T for yourself if your insurance allows it? Maybe someone for something that your current T doesn't really specialize in? Or maybe looking for group therapy, and expanding your support resources there. This is all good ways to test yourself and how you can manage in other ways. Put to work what you've been discussing with your T. Nice job on deleting the text. Now just give T a chance to reply to you, you know he will. Find something else to distract you in the meantime, constantly checking email can drive you mad. (I know, I've been there)
Anyway, good luck, you can get through this, grief sucks.... BTW... there is grief groups out there too, maybe consider that. Some of them have been super helpful for me an and not all are about death. (ONLINE groups but I'm sure in person as well if you prefer)

I feel like it's stress related. Meant to mention it last time I went, but didn't.

Never asked but the website doesn't say they offer online therapy. He used to do home visits but I think he said that's ending soon or it already has, idk

I'm too scared to tell him WHY I won't follow him, I'm convinced he knows who my T is/was now because of how close they were at the time, building wise.... but I can't know any of that. That's the one thing I've said from day 1, no identifying info, ever. Don't ask, it's not happening.

So we use a nickname for T there or just say "him" but ya anyway... it sucks because other than scheduling issues, he's a good pick for me. He's annoying enough I wont attach and he's very accepting of the T stuff and knowledgeable. However I don't want long term therapy again anyway so maybe by the time he moves, I'll be ok to end

I think it would be, if your t wasnt having his own life crisis and disappearing.

R listens. Its your dad that doesnt listen, right? Your family is trauma-bonded? I can def relate to that.

I went. He softened in the last two mins. after saying "Oh for goodness sake" when I brought up the gift card again. I had started crying more at that point when he said that. Why was the gift card for XY okay but not X?

He wanted me to use words not actions. That my gifts had the opposite effect rather than show my care they were used as something to hold over his head. That at that point he thought we were in a good place so didn't think it was needed. Maybe he was wrong at thinking i was further along the path than i was. Or that i'd had a stumble.

I told him i cried because he could not reach me and I could not reach him.

Now I'm T free for the next two weeks.Maybe i'll go back, maybe i won't.

I don't have a good relationship with my father. I haven't heard of that term but it makes sense.

Maybe you can book another appointment to talk about it ? Or see a pharmacist and get something for the pain if you're not already.

Study group meets at 3pm. I don't feel like going. i'll see them tomorrow.

Gifts are an expression of love. If he doen't want your love, dump him.

A better way for a T to handle a gift is simply to ask, "What were you trying to tell me when you gave me this?"

Not sure if this will help anyone else who has depression or anxiety but something baby T said yesterday stuck with me and I thought it was worth sharing. I was talking about how I felt like a loser NOW because I had been called it in the past.

He said "Sadness lives in the past. Worry lives in the future. Happiness and calm, that is here and now. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to worry but try not to get stuck visiting either place for too long" --- I'm trying hard to stay present, it's such a challenge with anxiety AND depression but I try. I really liked how he worded it. It's not experiencing those negative thoughts or emotions that sucks, it's the being "Stuck" in them aspect that does.

Thank you, NP.

Polymusearous.... that goes in the couch dictionary for sure!