Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

ATAT - I hope you find out soon so you can start to change what you need to change.

I feel so alone for some reason. I am making a schedule for next week. Fighting sadness. Wishing people at work understood, but they don't. I wish the world understood, but most don't. It's all good, but I think the first two paragraphs really state it well.

My T shared this with me off of the site of

This comes from the social anxiety institute
Psychologist/Director, Social Anxiety Institute

I couldn't have written it better. This was very validating for m.e

All day, every day, life is like this. Fear. Apprehension. Avoidance. Pain. Anxiety about what you said. Fear that you said something wrong. Worry about others' disapproval. Afraid of rejection, of not fitting in. Anxious to enter a conversation, afraid you'll have nothing to talk about. Hiding what's wrong with you deep inside, putting up a defensive wall to protect your "secret". You are undergoing the daily, chronic trouble of living with this mental disorder we call social anxiety disorder.

Very few people understand the agonizing and traumatic depth of social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety makes people go inside themselves and try to "protect" this secret. Most people with social anxiety disorder try to hide it from others, especially from family and loved ones. There is fear that family members may find out they suffer from social anxiety, and then view them differently or outright reject them. This is almost never true, but the fear of this happening makes many people with social anxiety stay in their dark closet.

*If you are seeking treatment for social anxiety, start here*

Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) is the third largest psychological problem in the United States today. Millions of people quietly endure this pain every day, believing there is no hope for them getting better.
What is social anxiety like?

A man finds it difficult to walk down the street because he’s self-conscious and feels that people are watching him from their windows. Worse, he may run into a person on the sidewalk and be forced to say hello to them. He’s not sure he can do that. His voice will catch, his "hello" will sound weak, and the other person will know he’s frightened. More than anything else, he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s afraid. He keeps his eyes safely away from anyone else’s gaze and prays he can make it home without having to talk to anyone.

A woman hates to stand in line in the grocery store because she’s afraid that everyone is watching her. She knows that it’s not really true, but she can’t shake the feeling. While she is shopping, she is conscious of the fact that people might be staring at her from the big mirrors on the inside front of the ceiling. Now, she has to talk to the person who’s checking out the groceries. She tries to smile, but her voice comes out weakly. She’s sure she’s making a fool of herself. Her self-consciousness and her anxiety rise to the roof.

Another person sits in front of the telephone and agonizes because she’s afraid to pick up the receiver and make a call. She’s even afraid to call an unknown person in a business office about the electric bill because she’s afraid she’ll be "putting someone out" and they will be upset with her. It’s very hard for her to take rejection, even over the phone, even from someone she doesn’t know. She’s especially afraid to call people she knows because she feels that she’ll be calling at the wrong time -- the other person will be busy — and they won’t want to talk with her. She feels rejected even before she makes the call. Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does. Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call.

A thunderstorm just whipped up out of nowhere - I just barely made it home from walking with my dogs in the park when the skies opened up with rain, thunder and lightning.

Tonight's very "My Mom" statement: "You look really pretty--are you wearing makeup?" Because I couldn't just look pretty on my own...I mean, yeah, I was wearing makeup because I'm pretty pale otherwise (with pale lips, too), but still, couldn't she just say, "You look really pretty tonight" and leave it at that?

LT - It's like Throwback Thursday but on a Sunday! And we wonder why we're nuts?! It's a miracle we are as sane as we are!

LT, do you find that you want to drink more after you have been around your mom? I was experimenting with not being around people who make me feel bad about myself (like my mom), and I was surprised at how effortlessly I was able to reduce my use of maladaptive coping strategies when I was doing that.

Well, lost both shoes and face planted in the mud/manure checking in the horses... couldn’t put my shoes back on so had to go through the tromp shed to the minis in my socks... then fed the neighbors horse... got to our garden gate and OH the earthworms are EVERYWHERE! Had to suck it up and put shoes back on muddy feet... guess this redneck farm girl has limits.

That's a good question. I do tend to both in anticipation of seeing her and afterward. Though I didn't do too badly with that tonight. I'm trying to work (both on my own and in therapy) on identifying my triggers both to be aware of them and to develop other coping strategies. Though sometimes H is a trigger, so that becomes more complicated...well, I guess that's where the alternate coping strategies come in.

h and i just drank a couple margaritas and had another good, long talk. if nothing else, this "stuff" of late has opened up a level of honesty between us that had been missing for a very long time, if we ever even had it. things are still evolving between us.

night couchies.

We're lowering the price of the house by $30k. We desperately need to get it sold!

Tomorrow is the second to last time I see my T before her leave.

I'm so depressed. I just want to die. My life is so unstable. And I'm afraid L won't be able to help me hold it all together.

i miss drugs

Maybe that's why (why as in the greater meaning of things) I didn't get the girls. My life is just too chaotic/unknown for me to be a stable caregiver to them. I would do it, but it's just not in the cards.

It was a beautiful day to be at the beach!

I wish S didn't see me as someone to talk to about our shared T. I don't ask them at all...They come and tell me stuff like T looked happy to see them, T seemed frustrated with them etc.

I'm always neutral and don't encourage further disclosure. I say it would be best if they clarified with T.....

I keep my feelings to myself. I feel tremendously guilty that they struggle with income while I don't...I feel so undeserving of therapy... I always feel T finds them more interesting than me and enjoys seeing them more. I know I'm not being logical, I experience intense sibling rivalry transference I guess.

That sounds very full on. Are you able to reduce your hours?

In my head I am R's only client. I would hate to meet anyone else who saw him too. Is S a close friend? Can you just set a no therapy talk rule?

You deserve care and love because you exist. I'm sorry that you've been taught differently.

The last time I reminded them both of us agreed with T not to talk about therapy with each other, they said small talk that occurred in session didn't count, or how they felt about their sessions. I didn't know how to react to that.

So they continue to say things like "T will be away xyz to xyz", "T looks skinnier", "T said she had to rush her lunch.", "Session with T was hard", "T looked happy to see me", "T seemed frustrated with me".

And I don't know how to tell them I want to hear absolutely nothing because I don't know how to answer if they ask "why". I also feel like a giant hypocrite because when they're depressed, I do suggest "maybe you might want to bring forward your appointment..."

They're not a close friend though I care about them. I really damn wish T wasn't the ONLY therapist left in the clinic willing to work with complex trauma....not that I or they can stop seeing T because we're both long term clients with more than a year of history with T before we discovered we shared the same T.

I just feel so effing guilty that I don't have money problems while they do and I actually loan them money without ever asking for money back...I guess my guilt is strong.

In reading the newest book of poetry forms I just got, I came upon one I'd never heard of before, the ovillejo. Here is my first attempt at one:

desert winds bring me peace
Release
From cares upon my soul.
The goal
For while I wander free...
Find me.
For if I can't, you see
I'll lose myself I know
And then where will I go?
Release: the goal? Find me.

(I'm on chat at work and it's slow so I've got time on my hands, 30 minutes so far without getting one)

Nice Poem Artie. HUGS Kit

I walked two miles before work today. Exercise is supposed to energize you but nope, I'm just tired. My Fitbit told me I am getting more sleep on the weekends than during the week, and maybe I'm not getting enough during the week. (No kidding, why do you think I get more on the weekend?!) In other news, I got Esther, my diabetic cat, to eat her whole breakfast today but I had to put in some of her old crunchies in order to do so. I figured she needed the calories, and she ate all of the special food, so I'm not going to stress about it. My Dad managed to get a urine sample from her yesterday and it was good. Less stress about the cat. Whew. HUGS Kit

I decided I'm kind of irritated at my T for not being more supportive about me giving up SH for Lent. My former T would have been more supportive. I miss former T. I emailed her 10 days ago, but no response. I'm trying to not hold my breath. It's getting hard to not SH though. I had some sui thoughts and SH always changes that and it was like, dang I can't do that right now. I need something to replace SH but I have no clue what that could be. I'm struggling at the moment. HUGS Kit

LOL. Someone else calls them Crunchies!!! You just made my day... yes, sometimes it is the little things. I am glad she is doing OK. A trick my old vet taught me for urine samples is to put plastic grocery bags in the litter pan.
Hugs

OMG laughing SO hard... I love the music in Ts waiting room but... sometimes I am not sure they are fitting for this context... but it makes me smile and laugh... and it makes T wonder about the faces I am making when he comes to get me.

OK, I take that back... this song really sucks and still doesn’t fit for a Ts waiting room :ROFL: