[Merope]

I’m fighting an intense urge to email T just because I need to feel close to him. So I’m posting on here instead because I know I’ll probably regret it if I email him.

Since 8 am this morning, I’ve come up with sixteen excuses to email him (most of which are lies like “I’ve lost my house keys, did I leave them in your office by any chance)”.

I feel like he triggered something in me during our last session and a very young and needy part of me emerged as a result. Now I have to be at work and responsible, so it’s hard not to give in and email him out of sheer neediness.

I’m sorry, i know this is really pathetic, but it helps writing on here just to give myself something to do.

[starfishing]

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. It sounds intense and difficult in a very understandable and relatable way. Therapy is strange and hard, and it makes sense that you'd have an urge to reach out about the feelings you're having.

My personal equivalent to "losing my house keys" is suddenly deciding it's the right time to email my therapist to let him know about a distant upcoming schedule conflict (that I've known about for weeks or months). Purely a logistical concern, definitely a coincidence that I just happen to remember that schedule issue for two months from now, or medication question, or insurance update right after sessions where I've felt particularly needy.

[Lemoncake]

I think it would be better if you emailed him your first line rather than about the key. "I need to feel close to him".

It's not pathetic at all and I really do get it.

Do your T normally allow emails?

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Hugs. Been there, done that. I have done this a lot actually. Originally I would find an excuse, now I just fess up to what I am doing and what I need. Its so much easier and T knows my state of mind and we can discuss it more in session later. I would recommend just emailing him and telling him the truth, that a young part was triggered and that you needed a little reassurance from him. Nothing wrong with that and he would probably appreciate your honesty.

[MoxieDoxie]

I have sooo been there and I gave in and found an excuse to email him. So unhealthy for me to rely on someone like that . I need to be enough for me. When I am "enough" for me I think that is when I will know I am healed of what ever this is.

[DP_2017]

I get it, I had that a few times but we had weird email issues anyway so I never really bothered him much with emails. What do you think it would provide you? What if he doesn't reply? I think, depending on when you next see him, it might be good to try and wait it out, no matter how hard it is. He's still there, just remind yourself that

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I have sooo been there and I gave in and found an excuse to email him. So unhealthy for me to rely on someone like that . I need to be enough for me. When I am "enough" for me I think that is when I will know I am healed of what ever this is.

Solid point and something that has crossed my mind as well. For me, the anxiety round not emailing just makes things worse and leads to some serious depression. The more I am honest about the situation and the consistency T has shown me helps me to get to a place where relying on myself and reassuring myself is easier. But the vulnerability and feeling of dependence sucks big time.

[Merope]

Thank you all. I’ve been pretty good in the past six months or so....only emailed about scheduling issues and replied to the ones that he sent. I don’t tend to make much of a habit of reaching out anymore.

I’d like to tell him that I’m feeling a bit vulnerable after last session, but I think I’ll try to do it in person because if I email and he doesn’t reply, I’ll spend ages agonising over it.

My brain is still coming up with email excuses, so I keep fighting the urge (although I did write a draft and was close to sending it).

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me me today.

[DP_2017]

Any chance he could see you today as well so you can get it off your mind?

[Merope]

Unfortunately not

[Omers]

My T doesn’t want to discourage emails but understands how much it bothers me that I send so many. We are working on me being more fully present to him in session so that the needs will come up as they get stirred up. He has reassured me he will be just as suppotive in person, in the moment as he is in email... but I am still too dissociative. Lately I have been working on making them shorter and more to the point, lists of needs for the next session that I send the last day he works before my next session, and feelings about our session because what I am feeling matters the most to him. I think when I can be fully present to him in session it will cut back a lot. I know 99% of the true needs he WILL meet in session but cannot meet in email.

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way. You shouldn't make up an excuse. You should just say that you want to feel close & that your email is your way of doing that. Maybe even say that you felt you had to make up an excuse.

[nottrustin]

I experience this with T quite often. There were times I just happened to remember something. We also had a lot if not necessarily therapy conversations so on occasion I would email her about those. A biggy was gardening. She helped me with flower gardens and such a lot. I would send those emails. One of my last emails from her was telling me she had a list of suggested shade plants for me that I was looking for. She was going to give them to me at our next appointment....the appointment that never happened.

[Merope]

I caved. Instantly regret it as per usual. I feel like I need to apologise to all of you, though I don’t know why.

I used to text her sometimes day of session cuz I couldn't stand it not being time yet "just verifying we said 5pm" it felt like pathetic obvious neediness as it was our standing day/time like I could even forget but I couldn't not do it sometimes. She mentioned one time she recognized it was just me needing the connection and wasn't bothered by it.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Merope

I caved. Instantly regret it as per usual. I feel like I need to apologise to all of you, though I don’t know why.

Don't feel bad about it. I mean, from the sounds of it, this isn't a regular thing. I can get having certain times here and there where you need this.

I just worry when people email to the point of dependence. Where they can't stand on their own two feet. That is not you. I am sure this will be ok and it sucks you can't get in today

[Omers]

No need to apologize here. I think all of us who have email access to their T’s can relate on some level. Even if you managed to sit with the feelings of wanting to email for 5 more minutes than you usually would without sending it you have made progress.
Hugs

[Lrad123]

Oh boy. I can definitely relate to this. At first I think I thought I was being subtle in my reasons for emailing him, but he probably saw right through it. I also understand the “pathetic” feelings of neediness contrasted with the need to be confident & grown up for work. It’s tough!

[DP_2017]

Take some comfort in knowing that the NEED for reassurance is very common in therapy. I am sure they expect it. Honestly... the 2 ones I see now are probably a bit "concerned" that I've shown no need for it yet but they are aware of my trust issues etc...

From what you've said here before you sound like you have a good T, so I think he will be understand

Would it help to write him a written letter to get your emotions out and give it to him to read in person? For me, I found the act of writing to be cathartic and releasing.

[Merope]

Thank you all! I keep going back and forth from being happy that there was contact, to sad that it was so....to the point? I mean, the issue I emailed about was pretty trivial, but the little kid in me wanted a bit more than a straightforward response. I can’t believe I’m fretting over this again.

[Merope]

I think sometimes I just want him to care a bit about me? I know it’s needy, I really do. But I want it so much it makes me sad that everything is always so boundaried and contained. I agree with boundaries wholeheartedly but they hurt when one is feeling vulnerable.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Merope

I think sometimes I just want him to care a bit about me? I know it’s needy, I really do. But I want it so much it makes me sad that everything is always so boundaried and contained. I agree with boundaries wholeheartedly but they hurt when one is feeling vulnerable.

Totally understand but take it from someone who had the care to a deep degree, be careful what you wish for. Not saying you will end up like me, not likely but the boundaries etc will come back to bite most of us in the rear at some point. Wanting care is normal and all. Just maybe don't want too much of it. Let us know if he replies ok

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Totally understand but take it from someone who had the care to a deep degree, be careful what you wish for. Not saying you will end up like me, not likely but the boundaries etc will come back to bite most of us in the rear at some point. Wanting care is normal and all. Just maybe don't want too much of it. Let us know if he replies ok

I don't think wanting too much of it is necessarily wrong. I just think therapists should not slack enough to let those things happen. It's okay to feel wanting too much and it's okay to talk about it. But it should to no degree actually happen. That's as far as I understand the ideal.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Originally Posted by Merope

I think sometimes I just want him to care a bit about me? I know it’s needy, I really do. But I want it so much it makes me sad that everything is always so boundaried and contained. I agree with boundaries wholeheartedly but they hurt when one is feeling vulnerable.

It's ok to be needy sometimes. Its ok to feel vulnerable and want to feel cared for. Its HUMAN. You seem to have a good perspective on this and to be fairly insightful about what you are feeling and why PLUS you understand the boundaries in therapy. I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed of and it is ok to reach out. Sometimes I think that the real work of therapy (at least for me) is learning that its ok to be human with human emotions and vulnerability.