[Merope]

I found this article interesting to read:

Attachment Theory and the Psychotherapy Relationship | Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy

This part was disconcerting to me and made me feel anxious about sharing my attachment/transference with a therapist. If I did so and they responded my creating “distance” to provide a “corrective emotional experience”, I think that would make me feel a lot of shame, like there was something wrong with me for wanting closeness, or like he was punishing me for something. But I’m sure I’m reading this with my anxiety/insecure attachment hat on. Problem is, whichever way I look at it it’s painful:

“According to this model, clients with hyperactivating tendencies are helped by gradually increasing therapeutic distance -- to the extent that the client’s frustration will allow, in order to create a corrective emotional experience of growing autonomy. “

I’m definitely this:

“Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) describe how persons blocked in their efforts to seek comfort from a secure attachment engage in one of two “secondary strategies.” Persons who rely on a hyperactivating strategy magnify their expression of distress, closely monitor attachment figures for signs of abandonment, and attempt to establish very close proximity to a potential source of comfort. The “proximity” could be actual physical distance, but more often takes the form of close emotional dependency.”

I think it’s probably a good idea in whatever conversation you have with your therapist about transference that you express what you’re fearing too. I don’t view it as a switch that your therapist is automatically going to turn off. The key part of the paragraph focuses on client distress tolerance, which requires a lot of checking in with both you and your therapist to make sure you aren’t processing the distance negatively and are doing okay.

The thing is, the progression of therapy should naturally go in this direction anyway - for all clients. Something to think about is that many people may need to get even closer before distancing happens! The path to autonomy can take many years and the progression to independence might be really slow. The long term goal for most clients is total distance since therapy has to end eventually. It can be a pretty scary thought if you’re not in a ‘separation’ mindset yet, which to me reads that you’re somewhere earlier in the process.

Hopefully your therapist can be sensitive to both your needs and in helping you in your journey.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3

I think it’s probably a good idea in whatever conversation you have with your therapist about transference that you express what you’re fearing too. I don’t view it as a switch that your therapist is automatically going to turn off. The key part of the paragraph focuses on client distress tolerance, which requires a lot of checking in with both you and your therapist to make sure you aren’t processing the distance negatively and are doing okay.

The thing is, the progression of therapy should naturally go in this direction anyway - for all clients. Something to think about is that many people may need to get even closer before distancing happens! The path to autonomy can take many years and the progression to independence might be really slow. The long term goal for most clients is total distance since therapy has to end eventually. It can be a pretty scary thought if you’re not in a ‘separation’ mindset yet, which to me reads that you’re somewhere earlier in the process.

Hopefully your therapist can be sensitive to both your needs and in helping you in your journey.

I also have an anxious attachment style. My T and I had a discussion about what's in your second paragraph a couple weeks ago. He was talking about not trying to teach me to fly (like a baby bird) or throwing me in the deep end of the pool before he knows I'm ready. I was distressed by this, because what if *I* didn't think I was ready? He said it was based on what I think I need/am ready for, not what he thinks I need/am ready for. That at some point, ideally, I just won't feel the same dependence, that I might not even want to email him if I'm feeling bad, that I'd reach out to other people and/or manage on my own. And I'm not at that point yet. Essentially, it would ultimately be me who pulls away rather than his pushing me away/pulling back. That made me feel much better.

So that could be something to talk to your T about, Merope.

[DP_2017]

I'm not sure my T knew how to handle attachment and he had his own feelings involved, so instead of doing anything distant with me, he got closer and closer. I am fearful/avoidant and that is NOT normal for me at all, it was very scary in some ways but also a good experience, although I don't want it again

With baby T, I have just said "I'm avoidant" and we don't talk much about it, he feels detached himself. Which I like because it's so easy for me to remain in my comfort and not attach.

With t3, he was chatting a bit about attachment and where it comes and why I am avoidant etc, he seemed knowledgable but I only saw him 2x, although he's already started ignoring my emails so he's apparently working on distance with me. Which is fine but it's only going to keep me distant, in some ways I think T was right in pushing for the close.

Anyway, not EVERY T will do the distance, not every T is even knowledgable about it, you don't even have to tell them what type you are, it isn't needed info for them but if you choose to, hopefully they handle it in a way that works well for you.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I also have an anxious attachment style. My T and I had a discussion about what's in your second paragraph a couple weeks ago. He was talking about not trying to teach me to fly (like a baby bird) or throwing me in the deep end of the pool before he knows I'm ready. I was distressed by this, because what if *I* didn't think I was ready? He said it was based on what I think I need/am ready for, not what he thinks I need/am ready for. That at some point, ideally, I just won't feel the same dependence, that I might not even want to email him if I'm feeling bad, that I'd reach out to other people and/or manage on my own. And I'm not at that point yet. Essentially, it would ultimately be me who pulls away rather than his pushing me away/pulling back. That made me feel much better.

So that could be something to talk to your T about, Merope.

This is a really good point!

I was about as close and enmeshed as imaginable with my therapist and it was me who ended up ripping off the bandaid at the close in a rather unceremonious way. I think I took my entire leg off with it, but I recovered. My therapy situation was unique in a lot of ways, but I don’t view myself as being uncommon as a person. I can imagine others feeling ‘done’ too and pulling away on their own. In fact I think this is ideal.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I also have an anxious attachment style. My T and I had a discussion about what's in your second paragraph a couple weeks ago. He was talking about not trying to teach me to fly (like a baby bird) or throwing me in the deep end of the pool before he knows I'm ready. I was distressed by this, because what if *I* didn't think I was ready? He said it was based on what I think I need/am ready for, not what he thinks I need/am ready for. That at some point, ideally, I just won't feel the same dependence, that I might not even want to email him if I'm feeling bad, that I'd reach out to other people and/or manage on my own. And I'm not at that point yet. Essentially, it would ultimately be me who pulls away rather than his pushing me away/pulling back. That made me feel much better.
So that could be something to talk to your T about, Merope.

Thank you for this! Essentially, this is what I want to bring up. The idea that it’s up to the patient to decide when they’re ready to stop
(as opposed to an arbitrary decision by the therapist) is very comforting to me. I think this is what I need from him at the moment, this specific sort of reassurance. But I’m scared of asking because what if it goes the other way and I end up ruining things?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Merope

Thank you for this! Essentially, this is what I want to bring up. The idea that it’s up to the patient to decide when they’re ready to stop
(as opposed to an arbitrary decision by the therapist) is very comforting to me. I think this is what I need from him at the moment, this specific sort of reassurance. But I’m scared of asking because what if it goes the other way and I end up ruining things?

What I am gonna say, comes from a place of experience and understanding (I have anxiety to) but also concern.

From my own experience, I would like to suggest as best as possible to try not to think of "What if" with Therapy. The fact is, NO ONE knows how anything will end. Therapy WILL end at some point, but so will every other relationship in life.

I spent so much time early on with T freaking out about the ending and it caused me to miss out on so much of the moments we were having. I wish I could have had more moments to remember, and enjoy. I wish I hadn't spent so much time in my head, fearing what I knew would happen eventually.

Ideally therapy WILL end on the clients terms, but not always. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it for today. You are still his client today, you still have him. Try to remind yourself of that simple gift.

I don't think any normal therapist will terminate a client because of attachment, unless the client becomes like a stalker. Wishing all the best for you

[stopdog]

I would think it useful to know what the therapist is doing and why. So if the therapist is being more distant one can know it is because they believe (They may be quite wrong about their reasoning but I would find it useful to know that they at least had some) it is to build up tolerance. The problem I find is that they tend to believe in not explaining what they are doing at the client so the client has an understanding of what is going on.
For me, the first woman kept trying to be too glommy at me. I knew what she was doing but I never did understand what she thought the point of it was and how it would help the thing I actually hired her for in the first place. Because she refused to explain and I couldn't see any reason for it, I kept her back. It seemed (so she said - but she was known to lie) to frustrate her a bit but that was on her - had she explained its usefulness I might have gone along with it.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

What I am gonna say, comes from a place of experience and understanding (I have anxiety to) but also concern.

From my own experience, I would like to suggest as best as possible to try not to think of "What if" with Therapy. The fact is, NO ONE knows how anything will end. Therapy WILL end at some point, but so will every other relationship in life.

I spent so much time early on with T freaking out about the ending and it caused me to miss out on so much of the moments we were having. I wish I could have had more moments to remember, and enjoy. I wish I hadn't spent so much time in my head, fearing what I knew would happen eventually.

Ideally therapy WILL end on the clients terms, but not always. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it for today. You are still his client today, you still have him. Try to remind yourself of that simple gift.

I don't think any normal therapist will terminate a client because of attachment, unless the client becomes like a stalker. Wishing all the best for you

Thank you for this DP! What you wrote really struck a cord with me...I need to focus on what is happening right now as opposed to making up different scenarios that are fuelled by fear and being anxious about them.

I hope things are ok with you!