[HD7970GHZ]

Hi all,

I'm seeing a therapist and I am attached before I trust. I have past abuse in therapy and it makes it especially difficult.

How do I cope?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[DP_2017]

Have you ever looked into your attachment type? Knowing that might help. You could discuss attachment issues with the therapist and be open about this issue. Also make sure you have one with good boundaries so your attachment doesn't become too much.

[Xynesthesia2]

May I ask one thing that is not easy for me to understand reading your posts over time. You had so negative experiences with therapy and pretty much only bring up concerns and criticisms about therapy and Ts on this forum. Why do you see a therapist now? Especially given the concern in the OP... that you express so many negative feelings about this industry, many systemic ones, but you still attach to one of the providers. What benefit do you get from it, or expect to get from it, that might override all of your difficulties?

Without understanding it, I can only suggest not to go to therapy as "coping with it".

[stopdog]

Go slow. Attachment doesn't mean you have to tell the therapist things before they have earned the trust to know

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Have you ever looked into your attachment type? Knowing that might help. You could discuss attachment issues with the therapist and be open about this issue. Also make sure you have one with good boundaries so your attachment doesn't become too much.

So far my therapist has good boundaries.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

May I ask one thing that is not easy for me to understand reading your posts over time. You had so negative experiences with therapy and pretty much only bring up concerns and criticisms about therapy and Ts on this forum. Why do you see a therapist now? Especially given the concern in the OP... that you express so many negative feelings about this industry, many systemic ones, but you still attach to one of the providers. What benefit do you get from it, or expect to get from it, that might override all of your difficulties?

Without understanding it, I can only suggest not to go to therapy as "coping with it".

I have never said ALL therapists are bad.

I have had excellent therapy prior to the negative experiences, but unfortunately people seem to think it has to be one or the other. I recommend reading more of my posts, not just the blatantly negative ones.

I haven't lost all faith in humanity, that includes therapists.

I still have unresolved complex ptsd that I want to heal. Should I give up?

I still attach because I yearn for a safe trusting connection. While trauma in therapy has damaged my attachment system even more - it has also exacerbated the intensity of my desire to find someone to trust.

Some therapists acknowledge the systemic abuses.

Some therapists are ethical.

Some therapists understand complex ptsd.

Some therapists know what clients need.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Go slow. Attachment doesn't mean you have to tell the therapist things before they have earned the trust to know

Thank you stopdog,

It has been 8 months already. Taking a risk and making myself vulnerable. Hopefully she doesn't hurt me.

[Shotokan Karate]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

May I ask one thing that is not easy for me to understand reading your posts over time. You had so negative experiences with therapy and pretty much only bring up concerns and criticisms about therapy and Ts on this forum. Why do you see a therapist now? Especially given the concern in the OP... that you express so many negative feelings about this industry, many systemic ones, but you still attach to one of the providers. What benefit do you get from it, or expect to get from it, that might override all of your difficulties?

Without understanding it, I can only suggest not to go to therapy as "coping with it".

I believe you are getting OP mixed up with another poster. There is another poster that bashes therapy and therapists in general due to a very traumatic experience. But OP has never done that. In fact, I remember her stating that she had good experiences with them until the first bad therapist she encountered.

[Shotokan Karate]

Hi HD,

I think what you said in your first post would be good to bring up with your new provider. You stated it so well in your post. I hope things go well with this new therapist.

[Omers]

Hugs HD, I am totally attached to new T and *thought* I trusted him... until last session where he gave me space to ask for my needs already knowing he would agree to meeting them... could. Not. Do. It... berrating myself all week, and in his usual way he has been kind and supportive. Attaching before trust sucks IMO... but I think it happens a lot, especially with PTSD.

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I think it’s human instinct to really need someone to trust, and a therapist should be trustworthy. I hope you have a good experience with this therapist.

Like any person in a position of power - ethical/authoritative/protection or whatever, it is their job to watch over vulnerable people.

Unfortunately there are a few unethical ones who lack boundaries who should face the consequences if they take advantage of someone who needs help.

I know what you mean about reaching out to someone before they earn your trust. I have had issues like that in my past as well. However, those were more to do with “regular civilians” and not anyone in authority, like a therapist.

I rarely gave myself space after one romantic/intimate relationship ended, it was always that I hated being alone (with myself). That loneliness was overwhelming for me. I felt empty and only felt I had meaning or purpose when I was in a relationship. Teachers, priests, doctors, babysitters, parents, relatives: these people are supposed to look after a vulnerable person, but sometimes they are selfish and/or sick and it doesn’t turn out that way.

I do believe there are mostly nice people out there. And I know better what to do if something isn’t right. It’s a helluva lot harder to do something about it when you are a child being manipulated. As an adult, if you feel healthy boundaries have been crossed, it would be in your best interest to find an authority to report their behaviour: they need to be held accountable. Get another therapist or get ahold of the college of psychology or whatever it’s called in your area. Might be necessary to call the police.

Best of luck to you.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hi all,

I'm seeing a therapist and I am attached before I trust. I have past abuse in therapy and it makes it especially difficult.

How do I cope?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I think this is really good information for you to work with. Forming an attachment with someone before they have demonstrated they are safe and trustworthy can really open us up to dangerous situations. As children we don't really have any choice but to form attachments with the caregivers we have, regardless of their caregiving capabilities. As children, even if caregivers hurt us, it is still a safer survival strategy to attach to them and take whatever caregiving tidbits they throw our way than to be alone.
But when that attachment strategy continues into adulthood it can open us up to unnecessary harm. Forming attachments to any available caregiver at the first sign of them giving care will allow you to receive at least some caregiving, but it doesn't allow you to screen out those who might be sub-standard caregivers, or even abusers hiding behind a mask of caregiving.
This attachment pattern likely served a really important in your past, but I can see you yourself recognize it is problematic now. It sounds like it might be time to dig in to how this attachment strategy works or doesn't work for you and really give it some deep exploration.

I’ve had a lifelong pattern of trusting others before they’ve earned it. Also, investing more emotionally and giving more physically and tangibly to relationships than others. I also like people as a species proportionately more than I am liked in return. All these things have led to various degrees of pain throughout my life. However they’ve also led me to some really great relationships too.

In therapy these qualities haven’t served me well - since therapists feel like bottomless pits to deposit all of these great gifts while receiving very little in return. At least in turn to how I’m giving them. Through experiencing constant disappointment and heartbreak in therapy, I’ve come to see it as an insufficient emotional investment in terms of what I truly need right now. Therefore, my current strategy is to chose to direct my efforts and energies to areas where I can enjoy the fruits of my labors much more richly. Therapy itself wasn’t always the problem - but what I was giving and expecting was.

The reason I’m sharing this is to illustrate that every quality we have - including attachment patterns - have benefits and downsides in how we exist in the world. For me, it’s learning to manage and balance what I give to whom. I used to be terrible at accepting that certain people just don’t like me despite my liking them. I’m better now at recognizing associated social cues distancing myself when that happens. I pull back where necessary and direct my energies towards different people. It’s hard feeling like a homeless puppy that will follow random people - but I’ve come to see the many positive sides of it, and tweak and finesse my judgment to get by better in the world. It just takes time.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

I have never said ALL therapists are bad.

I have had excellent therapy prior to the negative experiences, but unfortunately people seem to think it has to be one or the other. I recommend reading more of my posts, not just the blatantly negative ones.

I haven't lost all faith in humanity, that includes therapists.

I still have unresolved complex ptsd that I want to heal. Should I give up?

I still attach because I yearn for a safe trusting connection. While trauma in therapy has damaged my attachment system even more - it has also exacerbated the intensity of my desire to find someone to trust.

Some therapists acknowledge the systemic abuses.

Some therapists are ethical.

Some therapists understand complex ptsd.

Some therapists know what clients need.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

To me, this perspective seems like a great way to cope, that you are in fact coping with the fear of trusting someone who may not deserve it. You recognize you can be hurt and you recognize you may be helped; neither one are a sure thing. It is a leap of faith to trust anyone. It is smart not to trust everyone. (this last point made in context, not as an absolute)

I'm not sure what might help you here, except the suggestion that you seem to be seeing this clearly. In my experience, it took some time to realize that mistakes and disagreements were not relationship killers. This has been true with my therapist, whether the mistake or disagreement began with me or with him. I don't trust easily or even completely, but it helped me to think about it as very specific to the thing I wanted to discuss-- can I take the leap of faith to trust in this moment or not?