Feeling lonely and trying to find a reason to email T

All I want is contact with him.....anything.....any response. I have done everything he has said for me to do when I feel like this. Garden...which I spend from 9am to 1pm getting dirt and plants and planting and now my back hurts. Cook....he says to cook as I like to cook. I even watched a stupid movie on Amazon prime. Did the laundry. My husband is away all week and on Monday I take him to have cancer tumors removed from his bladder and we find out what stage the cancer is at. I am full of worry and anxiety.

I do not want comfort from anyone else. I want it from him as I see him a surrogate parent and I feel home sick. I have already tried 7 cups of tea, I went on to the crisis prevention website but felt I did not belong there. Now I just want to take something to numb me but I do not have anything and I do not want to drink.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this worry and stress. Can you email him and ask for connection? You're going through so much right now, it's totally understandable why you would want to reach out to him.

I am suppose to make connections outside of therapy. Find support outside of therapy. Join a group, take up a class like baking, cooking and be with other adults. Work does not count as being with other adults so he says. Find something physical like boxing or take a self defense class. I already workout 6 days a week. My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and he has to have tumors removed on Monday and will be home for a week with a catheter and that is the best case scenario worst case they have to remove is bladder. FML

Hugs, I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband. I hope it's the best-case scenario. I can definitely understand wanting your T's support right now. Are you sure he wouldn't be willing to reply to you, considering what's going on and if you tell him all the other things you tried first?

IDK....is it even healthy for him to answer me if I email him? Is not that negative reward? My endorphins are released when I get a response from him so that means I will want more?

I think, given everything you're going through and everything you've already tried, it certainly wouldn't be unhealthy to email him. We do lots of things that help and yet we accept what we can get. You don't need to worry about wanting more.Good luck with everything.

I personally wouldn’t view this as negative reward, because I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to hear from him. Desiring human connection and comfort is natural and healthy, and I also think it makes complete sense to want this from the person who knows most of your struggles and cares about you. I don’t think this want is anything to be ashamed of.

I am so sorry for all you are going through.

I agree with this.

Hug's so sorry to hear about your husband. It's very healthy to reach out to your t right now. I hope you do email your t .

Could you just make another appointment rather than dealing with email and all the hoopla around it?

I agree. It sounds like you are needing an additional session because you aren't do well right now. Why not just go ahead and see if you can get an extra appointment?

He might not reply to your email or - seeing he is urging you to make outside connections, might not give you a satisfactory answer (i.e. by giving an answer that makes you feel uncared for).

I think you ought to consider your reaction(s) to any of these before emailing him.

I see him this Friday anyway. I go twice a week already.

Well I could not take it anymore last night so I emailed him well aware he would not answer as he will deal with it when I see him on Friday.

But none of those activities you listed are very social, involving interpersonal connection and support, except maybe the crisis service but that is also quite impersonal IMO. So I am not surprised they won't provide relief when what you crave is human connection. I usually reach out to a friend in situations like that, someone I know has a pattern of responding relatively quickly and supportively.

Well that is the problem. I do not have any friends that know I have any mental health issues as I keep that crap to myself. Also I do not have any close friends.

I joined a weird church here as I was invited by a girlfriend. They are doing a discussion groups, hosted at members homes, that I tried out last week which turned out to be a mens club with guys sitting around smoking cigars and drinking beer. Politically I was not aligned with them so I sat there and kept my mouth shut waiting for enough time to pass so I can say I have to leave now. Not going back to that.

T says I have to try 50 THINGS before finding something that works for me.

Sometimes it helps me just to get out and be around people, even if I don't have a big conversation or whatever. Sometimes just going to the coffee shop or the gym is helpful. You're not going to find a whole support system out of nowhere, you gotta take the baby steps first.

I would agree with this. Also, maybe try not to perceive these desires and worries as "mental health issues". Feeling anxious about a spouse's cancer is not a mental health problem, few people would remain calm in such a situation and most would want to talk to someone about it.

I agree with this. Maybe see if the hospital has a support group for people whose family members have cancer?

I also looked into caregivers support groups but none close enough to me. I will ask at the hospital on Monday.

Unless he told you that you couldn’t, it seems to me that the healthy thing to do is to just to email your therapist as often as you need to.

There’s plenty of time later to cultivate interests and work through dependency issues.

IMO the important therapy thing right now is to get you through this crisis in one piece.

Yes, I told my T recently how I often find his feedback useful, like giving me different perspectives on things (how someone might be reacting to what I say, etc.). But there are also times when I just need support (and not to be challenged), and I've been trying to tell him when it's those times. This sounds like one of those times for you, Moxie. You can work more on your coping skills when you're not trying to deal with your H's surgery.

I'm really sorry about your H's diagnosis. When my spouse was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in his mid 40's, it was shocking to me. The diagnosis is really difficult, no matter what the stage. The medical care and treatment that followed was brutal. It took a lot out of me. He needed so much from me and I think it took more than a year to just stop feeling depleted all the time.

Suggestion: every hospital i've ever been in has social workers on staff. Call the oncology dept (or probably urology, wherever his doc is) and ask if you can make an appointment with the social worker, hopefully during the time when he's there in surgery and/or recovering. Another suggestion: hospice-- hopefully he never needs it and I realize you aren't a patient, but these folks knew the most about resources in the community for caregiver support and groups of all kinds. They are really hooked into knowing what's out there.

I did email him and he did reply a day later. He knows my husband is away and suggest I watch The Call to Courage from Brene Brown on Netflex which I am doing.