Therapist's temporary move is permanent

As some of you know the backstory, the therapist moved out-of-state temporarily June of last year to care for her premature grandchild. It was intended to be a temporary, one year move. But the therapist made a decision to stay there permanently. I found out in therapy yesterday evening. I woke up with a panic attack at 3am. I feel so disoriented. I feel like her words are all spinning in my head.

By the sounds of what the therapist said yesterday, it seems that she made the decision to stay there permanently independent of her premature grandson. She said that that city always felt like home to her and she always had plans to retire there. But that wasn't supposed to happen for a long time later - a time when she thinks we would be done with our work. Her permanent move there, though, has been expedited much earlier now.

What's making me feel disoriented is that I she moved for her grandchild - he was supposedly the determining factor. But as it turns out, she has a whole lot of other reasons. She mentioned feeling like that city feels more like home to her and that she was born there and wants to die in that city.

What's making me feel disoriented, too, is how it was only less than a month ago when she told me to know that if she does stay there, it would be because of her grandchild. But as it turns out, she is moving there permanently for reasons independent of her grandchild.

Yesterday, she said that she has collaborated an agreement do research with a hospital and psychoanalytic institute in that city and another hospital and psychoanalytic institute at the city I'm in where she worked before her move. Did she suddenly come up with this research collaboration with all four organizations in the past month?

Last year before her move, she said that she would give her patients one year's notice if she decides to move permanently. But she cannot honor that now. Not even a fraction of it. Not even for one month. It feels like empty promises. Empty reassurances. How can I trust her words anymore? If she didn't say that and say it so confidently and reassuringly while looking me in the eyes, it wouldn't feel so hurtful, disorienting, and as though it's a betrayal. She said that she thought a great deal about her patients in her decision. I don't see us in her decision? If she at least tried to honor part of the one year's notice, it wouldn't feel so disorienting.

The way she shared the news yesterday went like this, "I don't know how you're going to feel about it. I decided that I will live between two cities, but my primary home will be _______."

I think a more accurate way of putting it is that she decided to stay in _______ permanently, but will visit _______ occasionally.

In the past year, she had little to no control over when and how long she can visit. She has only visited three times, each visit lasting four to six days. She confirmed yesterday that this is the same arrangement for the following year because of her commitments. If she is back here less than 20 days in 365 days of the year, how is it living between two cities? It sounds more like she is living in one city and visiting another occasionally.

When she said she decided to live between two cities, is that just one of her empty reassurances again to make things sound nicer or more appealing than it really is? Because I don't think that visiting a place three times a year for four to six days each time amounts to living in that city. It's a visit.

All of this feels so violent. She left in one month last June after breaking the news. She said if she does stay there permanently, we'd have a year's notice. But we don't even get a fraction of it. What's so disorienting to me and giving me a panic attack is how her words don't add up to reality and her decisions. How to trust her?