[nottrustin]

Let me start by saying my husband is and always has been very supportive of me being in therapy. When I want to quit due to financial reason he adimately refuses because he knows I am doing it strictly for financial reasons. So this isn't about him not being supportive but just not understanding it.

One of my issues is that I don't allow myself to cry often and when I do it is short lived. This partially is because all my life people have said don't cry and I know it makes people uncomfortable. My husband hates to see me cry and is very protective of me my 2 sons are the same way.

With the anniversary of Ts death this weekend I was a little emotional yesterday. At two different times last night I had reminders of T. Once when hubby told me I should pick lilacs from my bush for the table. This is the first year that I have more than 3 flowers (about 50). While doing so I remembered at our last appointment T gave me a vase of lilacs from her home as she knew how much I love them. I started to cry a little. When I told hubby he was upset with himself for recommending sonething painful. I explained it was okay and good to cry some.

A few minutes later I did something that reminded me of T and again started to cry. Hubby became visibly frustrated so I stopped again and explained it was a good thing.

It is going to be a long weekend.

[Anne2.0]

It sounds to me like your husband is not atypical of men and probably some women who have a difficult time with the emotions of the people they love. This is, I think, his work to do, not your work. Although I'm sure he's not intending to shut down your emotional response or silence you, his frustration and protectiveness have this effect. So what you can do is become more comfortable with the fact that he is not comfortable with your emotions. It would be nice if he could become so but he is unlikely to change at this point in his life and in your long-term marriage.

So the Buddhists say feel the fear and do it anyway. Maybe your version of this is you can notice his frustration or whatever and cry anyway. He can deal with his own feelings.

I also think you can find private space and time to cry so you don't have to worry about his reaction. Take a walk-- in my neighborhood there are beautiful blooming gardens everywhere with lilacs. Drive your car somewhere. When I was going through a big grief I found time-limited crying (the 6 minutes it took to drive to/from my kid's school) very effective. I sometimes cry while swimming laps in the pool. Take time and space alone if you need it. If that's something that works for you.

I would also say, as gently as I can, that it is an overgeneralization to say that crying makes "people" uncomfortable. Some people. Definitely the people in your family including the men. But not everyone is uncomfortable with crying. IMO it is healthier to welcome it as just one of the many behavioral manifestations of emotion. But many people feel more comfortable with punching a wall in anger than with crying. But if you shift your beliefs about what crying means, it may have a ripple effect in your family.

Anniversaries of deaths and other griefs are very resonant for me. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Omers]

The way I explained it to my H that he sorta gets is that (trigger warning for talk about blood)

Possible trigger:

tears are like the blood of an emotional injury. When we get hurt physically our body bleeds to clean the wound and the blood also creates the protective space for the injury to come together and heal. Tears are the emotional equivalent. They wash out the emotional injury and create a space for healing. Some times, depending on the injury you have to flush the wound or allow for it to drain longer term to heal correctly and tears are the same way. Sometimes one good cry flushes everything out and healing can happen quickly. With deeper injuries healing has to happen from the inside out and so tears happen on and off for a longer time.

I was able to use examples from some of our rescue animals and the injuries they came in with.

[nottrustin]

One more thing I forgot to mention is that my husband DOES express emotions. He is the one that cries in our family. So it really is that he hates seeing me in pain and hurting. He wants to fix it, even though he does the opposite. His heart is in the right place but misguided.

[Elio]

As Anne said, I think it's pretty typical of people to want to fix things so that people they love don't hurt anymore. He wants to be helpful. Is there a way he could be helpful that isn't leaving you alone, such as holding you while you cry as a way for him to be with you? Would you be able to tell him that doing X does ease your pain and help you process your grief? And through processing your grief, he is helping it be "fixed".

While being able to sit with the feeling of helplessness is his work to do, you can help him by showing him that he's not completely helpless in this situation and teaching him what you need to feel comforted when you need or could use his support.