Couch 198: All the Countries Couch

Thanks Lemoncake,
Last session T said two things that are really getting to me. The first was that women and men can’t be friends. I asked if I can be friends with one woman in a committed lesbian relationship without being friends with the other but he just looked confused and moved on. I honest to god do not understand most social norms and find them to be stupid. So T has, from very early on Ben very caring, nurturing and supportive and, for a T uses a lot of touch to support, anchor or help me pull things together. I have found this extremely helpful from the beginning... but if men and women cannot be friend by his standards/beliefs, even though I know we are not friends, it is a professional relationship, how can all this touch be appropriate? He has shared enough about his wife and I have google searched enough to know she is insecure and jealous which makes the men and women can’t be friends thing make sense... but then are all these nurturing supports he is offering even remotely appropriate in his world???? Not to mention him laying on the floor and doing silly things like stretching his back. I know therapeutically he wants me to be less physically stiff, he wants me to relax and move so he is showing me it is OK... But is it really OK if men and women can’t be trusted together?
Then he said last session “if I believed in hell my hell would be your life”. I know that it is true and I asked for his thoughts. I know my life would be hell for most people and I know he is trying to validate all that I am going through and still standing...
then last night, after knowing I am having a bad day and want to SH he sends another email saying by the way I have to cancel one of our July appointments (which, unless he has his dates mixed up means he will be out of town two weeks in a row)... then signs it “have a safe weekend”.
He has been so awesome, thoughtful, authentic... up until now and it just seems to be crashing. I can’t do another squirrely therapist, not now. And H is pissed that I spent the night crying over T. When I tried to explain H doesn’t understand why I would suddenly have a problem with T touching me just because T can’t be friends with women...
I’m a freaking mess. My anxiety is too high to even call Pdoc. Had nightmares all night about her rejecting me too.

Uh, anyone else having to suddenly answer a Captcha "I'm not a robot" thing whenever they post?

and i thought i was a mean auntie!

No, never. Are you on tapatalk? I never use it but if you are on it, perhaps that's the issue?

Almost never. My husband and I saw the same therapist and we still rarely discussed our individual sessions with each other. It wasn't about secrecy as much as respect for each other's individual space.


It sounds like your husband is anxious about something. At least, that would be what was going on in my husband started asking those kinds of questions. Can you respond by simply asking him what is on his mind, or what is he worried about? Sometimes just letting him know you recognize his anxiety will help calm that down and even open up some real conversation. Most of our marriage issues came back to the basic problem of poor communication. We did a lot of protecting each other with our silence which really did exactly the opposite and created constant tension.

What if I charged interest in hugs and kisses? Those are real variables not nominal ones.


Art--from your husband's perspective, I would be anxious about your return to therapy. I don't know if you told him how therapy helped you realize your sexual identity, but even if you didn't--last time you spent time in therapy, you then came out to him. So it's quite possible he fears this latest round of therapy will lead to you leaving. I think what he was really asking was did anything change in the situation between the two of you. If you don't go back, everything is go-ahead with you staying, and if you do go back for x amount of time, can he expect to be left at the end of that time?


Really what would most allay his anxiety is to sit down and hash out the question of your marriage. Are you staying together, are you going for an open marriage, etc. Because right now he probably feels held hostage to suspense.


Oh, to answer your question--No. 1 and 2ex overlapped for I guess 7 months or so. He never asked about sessions, although he did ask when I ended things if this was my therapist's idea. (Cause I'm so weak-minded. In the same conversation he speculated I might be leaving because I'd suffered brain damage when the ventilator died during my surgery a month before. Cause no one would leave that prince among men unless they were brain-damaged. )

art--I would encourage you to consider that although something may be sacred to someone, that doesn't mean it results in good for all. (See: the Crusades.)


Sometimes the best thing for a marriage is to end it.

I hadn't thought of it quite that way. But the fact remains that I still can't picture my life without him in it at this point. I still love him and still want things to work if they can. Is that so wrong?

No one said anything was wrong. It's right...if both of you decide to go this route. He's been leaving it all up to you, and that's not fair to you.

thank you. I appreciate that last more than you know.

Uh, anyone else having to suddenly answer a Captcha "I'm not a robot" thing whenever they post?

Well, we often just want our partners not to be who they are. No pointing fingers there. Just saying, thats repetition compulsion. Thats what happens when "the sins of the father" etc. Thats why spousal abuse and taking so long for the ERA, which isnt even a thing, really.


Boy the sixties just flew right back at me there! The personal IS political! Think glocally, act locally!

Not that, but Tapatalk is suddenly making me sign in every time I want to post/ reply.

And evidently I don't even want ME to be who I am. After all this time and so much hard work and a lot of progress in other areas (like finally forgiving my mother and stuff) at the end of the day I'm still denying parts of myself.