Couch 200: The Bicentennial Couch.

I've sent emails when my T is away just asking if he still exists. The first time went fine (I think I worded it differently), and I got a nice answer. The most recent time, he thought I was joking, and it went...not so well. But I think your T would get why you're emailing (he seems very tuned in to attachment). Hope you hear back from him about the blanket email.

I told R that I saw T2. He said it was a betrayal.

I told him it wasn't like we were dating.

If I was Di ck I wouldn't get rid of my dog, rather to get rid of Jane.

He's capable of filling his own paperwork.
His addition to the trip was a late thing, does he really want to go?
You could do your packing. You don't have to do his.

Really, a betrayal? My T was OK when I said I saw another T to consult, but said he'd prefer that I'd told him first before going. But that in general he's OK with clients consulting other T's. What did your T say when you said it wasn't like you're dating?

Yup but I rushed it in literally the last 10 mins, so he couldn't really say that much. That if I wanted a second opinion we could have done that. That seeing someone else made me grateful for what I had. That not only did I quote from books but I was also quoting other therapists. (the knowing him by experience thing). The dating thing was linked to my other relationships. And me doing what my father did to my mother ie cheat and blame it on her- saying it was her fault in the first place. If I didn't have him to fall back on I'd have another father . (I'd talked about the Godfather with him) and he could see how I was acting like him now (The DON ) .

He said that I was hiding the real me and asked why? I said he'd think I was disgusting. He said my behavior was. But he wasn't the type to give ultimatums and I had a lot of work to do.

I started the session by saying that the friday and thursday sessions didn't work for me and how I thought I was ready to cut back on my sessions. as it would help me whilst he was away as it would be practice. And that I'd not want to have a set date to come back to as I've got a month placement I have to complete so we could start again in September. I also asked if he was proud of me for not emailing, he said he was.

He said It was good that i was showing progress and all but that I was hiding the truth from him ( hinting that I was pretending that I didn't care that he was leaving). Before that I also told him that I felt distant from him.

I said I'd turn up tomorrow, but I really don't want to. Truth be told I think I'm going to cancel tomorrow's session.

Thanks LT. T made sure I woke up to a reply.
Omers,
Blankets are always a welcome addition to a session. Comfort, warmth, security, and familiarity. We need them all!
See you Monday!
T

I don’t get him but I adore him and think I’ll have to keep him

I remember her! And yes I have and that's one of the reasons for my reaction of "what did you think would happen?!" It's disgusting!! I don't buy that crap, he bought it about a week ago so he'd have "emergency chocolate in case we run out of ice cream". which in that kind of situation he would eat a spoonful. Probably the amount on a slice of cake. But yesterday? Literally half the container. I'm still grossing out.

I suppose it's partially my fault for doing it for him all the time too... but I really don't understand why they need us to in the first place I mean how did they get along in the world before they met us?!

The guy said checking out or consulting a different therapist was a betrayal?
What an a sshole

Had an email exchange with my T that has me thinking. She said that I usually self soothe with food but now that I'm taking my food intake seriously, i can't do that. She said maybe my smaller parts were feeling the lack of self soothing and suggested a couple lame things i could do to self soothe.

I realized that I've been buying clothes and handbags like they're going to disappear tomorrow. This has been a real problem for me in the past. I've spent more than my car payment in the past 3 weeks. I try to limit myself to 2 new clothing items each month, but I've bought 4 new totes and 8 new pieces of clothing in the past 3 weeks.

The anxiety has been a little better during the daytime this week, but it gets so overwhelming at night that twice I've had to take a Klonopin. (I have some left over from my previous psychiatrist. My current psychiatrist won't prescribe them.)

I think I'm talking myself into going back up top the full dose of Abilify. I'm trying too many changes all at one time. My T will be mildly disappointed, I think, but I just don't think I can do all of this at once.

What freaks me out is there where I am a lot of frosting is vegan, even the cream cheese one. So what the heck is in it?? It sure isn't anything natural.

Artie, im sorry! I should have realized my red lentil chili girl wouldnt buy that stuff!

Maybe you can sneak some chocolate hummus into the house for him.

Tofu. Its not natcheral.

I am so nervous and scared about my session with T this morning. I feel like I'm going to freak out. I hate this feeling.

I just finished it--I liked it a lot!

I am lowkey having an identity crisis. Am I a bad person? I did some not so nice things because I was hurting. I fought very hard to survive; I didn't care about being nice. Does that make me a bad person? Should I care about what somebody else thinks? Morals are subjective and also a social construct. Why am I so desperate for approval? Why do I force myself to stay in situations I don't like and trick myself into liking someone out of fear of abandonment? Yes, I rather fake affection and brainwash myself into liking someone rather than have them not like me and leave me. Again and again, this problem shows its ugly head.

I would say, "I saw a Martian, but he ran away from me."

Another day. Sigh. Looking forward to the weekend. But the weekend always goes by too fast and then the week is so long. HUGS Kit

I really don't want to go back to therapy. But my friends are all concerned for me and urging me to return to therapy. I'm so tired.

Today's session in a Strange Planet comic.


Source

My skin thing isn't any better. I don't think it's flea bites or heat rash. I've had flea bites when a previous dog had issues with fleas (despite treatment) and my room was carpeted. Always happened on my ankles. Neither of my dogs now has fleas. And the rash is on my face, neck, and upper chest only. Doesn't look anything like heat rash because the bumps are very limited in area.

I have actually been taking benadryl - I take it to help me sleep, and have been taking it for more than two weeks. Just another reason I don't think this is an allergic reaction.

As for MRSA, the worst lesion does look like it could be the beginning stages of that. I have looked at pictures of various skin things on Google. Or, it could be staph, which is the same thing just so much better because it wouldn't be antibiotic resistant.

I have now used the steroid cream on the neck area 6 times. I think it is slightly worse in terms of the size of the smaller bumps that are next to the large bump, but nothing drastic. Hasn't helped at all, which concerns me.

One of the smaller bumps on my chest does seem to be forming a papule, which alarms me.

ETA: The spots are raised, so not Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

Susannahsays, perhaps you need to go see a dermatologist. Is it possible it's basic hives? Unfortunately, being anxious about hives can actually make hives worse; it's a vicious cycle.

I have rosacea which can look a lot like a rash or hives or bites at times. Pretty limited to face neck and chest. I wasn't diagnosed until about two years ago. Being out in the sun, stress, diet, etc. all can cause breakouts of my symptoms. Dermatologist was able to prescribe a wash and cream that keeps it under control though.

Skin is mysterious that way, but I'd say, if you are concerned about an infection of some sort, you need to see a different doctor, and a dermatologist is probably the best bet.

Hope it starts getting better. Skin issues are a drag.

Yeah i was thinking fleas just because you sometimes work with strange dogs.

You know me, i wanna see pictures. I really missed my calling.

I haven't tried chocolate hummus yet but good idea!