Couch 201: The Transformative Grammar Couch

My wanting to run away from therapy again cuz it's getting intense now has me feeling angry as all get out at L for insinuating that I made myself sick (appendix thing) by leaving therapy. Not sure how to reconcile this. Ugh!!

I've got a panicky feeling way down in the middle of me. Trying to breathe it out. Not sure if it is about the PCP appointment, or if therapy last night stirred something up. I just know it's there.

I called three IOP places in the last few days. 1 is still at max capacity, 1 doesn't accept my insurance for IOP just inpatient and 1 never answered.
I did call and make a psychiatrist appt this morning. I feel like I'm doing the best I can right now and trying as hard as I can on my own to not give into my SI thoughts.

Wow!! Monsoon has burst forth at last!! It's thunderbooming and pouring rain out there right now!! With the release of nature, I am feeling SO much better!
Here's my patio right now:

I cannot describe how much the weather was affecting me - the storm on the verge but not happening all dang week - now I know that was a BIG part of how I've been feeling today! I am released as surely as the rain finally has been! I am going to go dance in it.

Yes. We’re in a no-fault state. Wonder if sometimes (often?) people elaborate, so the atty finds out if they’ve done couples counseling, abuse counseling, etc. I just said yes.

I am trying to decide whether to put down two rugs or not. I usually just have hard wood floors because of the animals -the rugs would mean a dedication to vacuuming I may not have in me.

At another Paint Nite thing, signed up for it to occupy myself while T’s away, but...I’m actually managing OK so far? Bring really busy has helped I think. Backup T again tomorrow. Then...??? Till Monday

My son and his gf just got good news - the final inspection of their old apartment came back cleared today, they have submitted it to the new place, and get their keys/move in tomorrow after work! I am so happy for them.
And for me. I want my house back.

it will be a very easy move for them because they threw away almost all of their stuff, since the exterminator didn't do the thermal treatment which is the only sure way to kill the nasties. from what we've read anyway. and these guys did chemicals.

eta: not that they had a whole lot of furniture anyway, in a 500 sq ft apartment, but still.... they're going to use our air bed for awhile until they get a new real bed, that's what they've been sleeping on here.

Ok yesterday's strategy isn't working so well today

I am so irritable.

I am back to lying in bed.

Hugs, BCM.

So BCM - we are sooooo in sync. Maybe if we flushed our toilets at the same time, we could cancel each other out, or switch places, or somethin.

Eta - im reading IT WAS ME ALL ALONG by andie mitchell. A book about a little fat girl growing up with an alcoholic father and beyond. Pretty good writing. Im about halfway thru it and no child abuse or other bad stuff so far, aside from ya know breaking dishes. No secret she solves the weight issue.

I sometimes think Ts aren't very bright.

At least I ate breakfast today I can't remember the last time I ate breakfast 2 days in a row. In fact yesterday I a relatively healthy breakfast lunch and tea, with only 1 choc chip cookie. Hope I can at least do this again today.

*looks at course enrollments for the fall*

350 students so far...I should get paid per head.

I liked that book and her writing style, too.

I just want to curl up and disappear

Work went OK. My boss forgot about the interview though.
Sorta got an update on my son. Apparently Monday he went nuts and trashed the whole unit. They are not giving details but the hospital wants him out of there as soon as possible. Maybe now that his Pdoc, behavior specialist and caseworkers are hearing it from someone other than me he will get the help he needs... or at least get put someplace where he can’t hurt himself or others. Meanwhile my FB algorithms have figured out what his Pdoc and the police couldnt... they are now spamming my feed with the biographies of all kinds of scary people.

In the (unlikely, I admit) event that any of you were wondering, to an economist therapy would be a monopolistically competitive market: many producers, differentiated products, free entry and exit (for the therapists at least).

It is therefore an inefficient market.

Like publishing?

Yum mashed potatoes. Even though it felt like eons peeling the potatoes and I nearly gave up.

I think I cried for only 20 mins this session!

R said with my emails, he didn't automatically understand what I needed from him and that I needed to put words and feelings into them so that he could respond to that.

He linked it to being a baby and having it's needs understood and told me he wasn't my mother.

I told him that I was a baby

He also got my cheerleader quote. " Heroes right?"

I was extra mean and called his environment group a cult and mentioned seeing new photos of him. He didn't react to any of it just let me rant at him.

He leaves tomorrow and I wasn't going to take his offer up for the extra session but he said himself see you tomorrow.