[confused4ever]

is tomorrow afternoon and I am starting to feel panicky about it.

My T called yesterday and we went over everything that is going to happen, the how's and the when's and he shared with me the questions he is going to ask. Most of them are ok, a few I bartered with him on......

My problem now is, he called again today to see if I was going to be taking anything to calm me down before the session, I told him I hadn't planned on it, but knew I would be after the session, he told me that was a better idea!! ok......then he asked told me he had been talking to my trauma therapist and she wants to also do an interview with me tomorrow in front of all the therapists.....ok...I said ok, while in the back of my head I was screaming NO>>>>NO>>>>>>NO>>>>>>. so My T obviously picked up on the panic in my voice even though I said no and told me it was ok. to say no........that nobody would be upset or feel offended......so I finally told him no.......I didn't want her to ask me questions, first of all I don't really trust her yet.......We have only had 4 sessions, secondly I don't know if I can get into the trauma stuff and the my work with my others in front of all those therapists now..........those sessions are so hard and draining.......so now I am alittle angry that she would think that I would do that, and that it would be in my best interest..........I am glad I have my T.....and he gets me.....and I trust him 100% to not let anything happen that is going to hurt me.......I know he will handle it if I start to have a flashback or something triggers me.......she doesn't know me well enough!! Am I being a baby..........I can't trust myself right now on alot of things.....but this just didn't feel right!!

[sunrise]

No, you're not being a baby. Having the trauma T there would make you feel uncomfortable and threatened, so you said no. Also, your T introduced this plan to you at the last minute, and I would think something new like this would need to be introduced further in advance to give you time to process and get used to the idea of her being there. Just a bad idea to spring this on you so close to the big meeting. Good for you to turn this down. All the therapists will get lots of info from listening to what you say to your own T. If they need the input of the trauma T, you can sign a release form and she can give them a written report.

Good luck tomorrow.

what was she thinking? four sessions? i'd have been put off too... if it were me, and it isn't, i would ask my T how he thought i should approach that with her. i'd want to say something to her but i'm pretty aggressive when threatened.. so i'd ask T.

i'm hoping it goes well.. i am dying to know.

*fingers crossed

[Perna]

She just asked, didn't expect anything; like your T said, no one is going to be upset or angry or anything at your saying "no". You're not being a baby about this at all; it would cause a therapist to have jitters to be on the hot seat like this.

I would think about the questions and your trauma problems, etc. and see if you can't think of examples and extended answers that might help them out a little more than just answering what your T asks? Now could be a really good time to try to be "braver" than usual since you won't see these other people ever again and your actual therapists will only talk about what you bring up in sessions with them.

[confused4ever]

So I had the session, there were 8 others not including my T. I am still processing the whole session, it had it's good points and it's bad points. I talked more then I thought I would, but did shut down after about 45 minutes.

I have to process all this, right now I feel sad about what they said they see me as, nothing negative came out of their mouths, but I don't see myself as they do. That part of me right now is crying for a hug from someone!!

[sunrise]

(((((confused)))))

did your T not speak with you afterwards?

i'm sorry it was tough.

[confused4ever]

Yes he spoke to me afterwards, and was willing to sit and talk, but I needed to be by myself. He called me later and we talked about the session for awhile.

One of the things that was brought up was how I feel about my T. I wasn't sure where it was going, so at first kiddingly I said I wasn't stepping into this. My T said he knew where it was going, but didn't elaborate, so I was asked if I trusted my T, yes! I was asked if I think my T cares for me, I looked at my T and he looked me in the eye, I know he cares for me, yes! If I cared for him, yes! If I think he is perfect, NO......nobody is perfect! I told them if I didn't trust him or care for him I wouldn't have told him everything there is to know about me!! My T then told them about a few times that I have told him I didn't want to continue anymore, or that I thought he was dropping me, and so on. So I don't know where or why these questions came up, I emailed my T this morning to explain it please!!

We talked about my inability to make decisions for myself, and my self harm, my problem with depending on others to make the decisions for me, people using me. It was hard, intense, and I stayed in the moment for the most part, I brought a rubber band to stay focused.

They asked if I get angry with my T, yes, do you tell him, no I haven't gotten there yet! They said well you just did!! LOL......ok that was funny. Then we talked about how he will get frustrated with me, and angry, then I get angry with him, and after awhile I do what he says........well that brought a huge stir in the room, I guess I didn't get my point across, they thought I meant that I felt intimidated by him, NO>.......I just meant that I get angry and then think about it, and relize he is right, and then I usually make the changes that are needed to help me. So then one of them asked if I was fearful of my T 's anger.....NO.......I know it is a safe anger, he isn't going to throw me away. So they said that was a good thing, that I trusted him enough to realize that he may get angry but he isn't leaving.......

There was so much........I am still trying to figure it all out! When my T called me last night a few of the things he said, they talked about him not seeing me weekly while I am doing the trauma work. They feel he should still have weekly sessions with me, and stay in it! That one of my fears is rejection and abandonment, and by him not seeing me, it may be more harm then good. They told him they were impressed with our working relationship, on how we can work with each other, even through the anger and still stay connected. They feel the two of us are very connected.

ONe thing someone asked my T was how he was making me understand that all the stuff that happened to me as a child was not my fault. So my T looked at me, and said, I don't know how do we do that Val, I said you tell me I am not responsible for their actions, and I tell you I am!!! He was like yup pretty much that is it!!! So she suggested him taking a more active role in that part of the healing.

I wish I could of recorded it, at least I could go back and listen and maybe understand where and why so much came up at once...........

They said I was courageous, and strong, I hate it when people tell me these things, I don't feel it.......I did this for more help, to help my T also. My T told asked me if I ever felt like I owed him, yes........I then told him we were even!!! that at least broke the tension before the session!!!

I emailed him last night on some more things I needed clarified, I am glad it is behind me. His office is large, yet when I walked into it, it never felt so small before, the couch seemed to be tiny.......everything seemed so unreal!!

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((((((lots of hugs!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

Courageous and strong are attributes, not feelings. They're defined by your actions, like doing this 8-T thing; not everyone would have been brave enough or strong enough to try it or make it through as you did.

If someone says you're courageous and strong, just think of it as if they're saying you have brown hair (or whatever color you have :-) or a "nice" smile. It's just information on how others see you which is nice because they're kind of like mirrors; they see what they see so there has to be some Truth to it. I love it when people say "large" things about me like that because then I know to look for them and work my way toward seeing them in me too.

[confused4ever]

Ok, that makes sense, something I know I need to work on, it is hard to hear postive things about me......I don't know how to handle them very well.

So I emailed my T and asked why so many questions about our trust of each other and whether or not we care for each other, and so on. He told me that one of the things they were looking for is if we have a connection with each other, working with child sexual abuse survivors there is a huge effect on the clients part if there is no connection or trust going on, that they feel the therapy will just keep going in circles, and that a survivor has so many trust and abandonment issues that it is vital for the client and therapist to have a strong connection, and I guess they feel that him and I do, and that even though the process will take years, it will happen with the two of us working together, and he told me on the phone that he needed to hear that from other therapists because sometimes he gets frustrated at the rate of my healing and that he feels we get stuck for awhile in one area, and even though he knew that this is a long process sometimes when your in it, you forget that!!

i'm sorry to have had such an interest in how it all went down... but it's a cliff-hanger. i admire your courage.. That kind of trust takes so much to build.

you should be so proud.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
confused4ever said:
right now I feel sad about what they said they see me as, nothing negative came out of their mouths, but I don't see myself as they do.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
They said I was courageous, and strong, I hate it when people tell me these things, I don't feel it.......

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
So they don't see you as you see yourself--do you mean with regard to being courageous and strong? That is not so bad! They see these great qualities in you that you don't yourself. Believe me, it is better than the other way around (seeing you as weaker, etc. than you really are), as that is what I felt when I got to read the emails between my T and some of my other team members. It can be an eye opener when you learn what they really think of you.

It must have been hard to be quizzed so much about your relationship with your T with everyone, including him, present. I'm not sure I could have told a bunch of strangers how close I feel to my T.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
they talked about him not seeing me weekly while I am doing the trauma work

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">So you are going to keep on with the trauma work right now? I thought you were thinking of taking a break because life was so challenging right now? I am glad that if you will be continuing the trauma work right now, you will have weekly meetings with your T for extra support. Sounds wise!

confused, I think you are courageous too.

[confused4ever]

My intention was to stop the trauma work while I deal with what is going on in my marriage, but both my T and the trauma therapist think that I should continue but scale back to every other week right now. They think that if I stop the trauma work right now, I won't start it back up......good point on their part, and also some of the skills I learn in those sessions will work to my benefit right now. I told them I would give it two more sessions, and if I still felt overwhelmed with the therapy that I would have to reconsider what is best. I want to quit, but I had to take a step back and think if it was just me using an excuse to not go into those hard intense sessions!

It was very hard talking about my feelings towards my T with all of them there, it felt like I was not going to answer right, if I told them that I care about him and have a special connection I was afraid that they would see that as wrong, and I didn't want to down play it either........so at first I was defensive, then alittle angry. But I said how I felt and the look in my T's eyes proved to me that I was right about his feelings towards me also, and answering as I did was what they really wanted to hear.

I asked my T yesterday in an email if he got what the trauma T and the other two woman in the room were saying about how, when I don't stand up for myself, protect myself from people that are hurting me emotionally and he gets frustrated with me for not protecting me, that it is my inner child that is running the show at that time, not the adult Val, that it is the child stuck in time, that all she could do back then to protect herself and survive was to allow it to happen, because it was survival that kicked in. That the adult Val knows that she should not be allowing this stuff to happen but she isn't in control. He told me he didn't really get what they were saying, he was having a hard time understanding that, so I told him last night that he needed to get back to my trauma T and have her explain it, because I got it, and he needs to understand also, to avoid more anger and frustration issue's between the two of us, until I work on this problem and find a way to stand up for myself.

[lauren_helene]

I'm really impressed with how this went. Honestly, you are being hard on yourself a bit. This is a huge step for a trauma survivor and I know because I am one too.

Knowing me, I would've been entertaining, that is my defense mechanism. Ha!

I think what they were also trying to gauge is whether your T is helping you move forward or keeping you stuck. The very fact that he wanted this session for you and he tells me he is moving you forward.

I am just in awe of your T and the relationship you both have. He knows his limitations and takes steps to correct that for you and he both. That is just huge to me.

You will continue learning from this session for weeks to come! Good job Val