Strange dream about T

I dreamt of T last night. He and I had a therapy session, but instead of it being just me and him, there were two other guys present. I didn’t know either of them; they were other clients of his. We were having our session upstairs from where T's office is. I remember not really liking this session as I felt uncomfortable sharing with T with these strangers present, but yet I still really wanted to share with him and so was frustrated that I couldn’t. I also felt shy with the bigger group and like I had to listen to these 2 guys talk about their problems, and I just wasn’t that interested. I just wanted T all to myself so we could do therapy. This joint session was not therapeutic for me at all.

After the session, the 2 guys left and I was walking back to T's regular office with him. I noticed then that T was in a wheel chair, and this seemed normal to me, not anything new. He didn’t have a broken leg or anything but a permanent handicap. There was a short flight of stairs, only about 5 steps to get back down to his office, and this was an obstacle. There was a railing, and T stood up out of his wheelchair and leaned heavily on this railing and managed to make it down the steps. Meanwhile, I lifted his wheelchair down the steps and had it waiting for him at the bottom and helped him get back in his chair. I hated seeing him struggle down the steps; I wanted to look away. Yes, I knew he was in a wheelchair and handicapped, but I hated being exposed in such a graphic way to his handicap and watching him struggle like that. I felt bad about that feeling as I felt I should have greater compassion, and I felt guilty that I didn’t.

I told T the session really hadn’t worked for me and I wondered if I could go back to having individual sessions. He had been the one who had suggested this joint session, and I had given it a try. I thought maybe he had wanted the triple-client session because he had too many clients at this time so this was a creative way to get to see them all. I suggested to him that I would be happy to see him only once every other week for a while, individually, if that would help with his glut of clients. He bristled a bit at this and told me he did not have too many clients. He showed me his appointment book and he had already penciled me in for the week after New Year’s for another joint session with the two guys. The rest of the week was completely empty, so there was plenty of space for all 3 of us to have our own sessions. I was annoyed by this. I was feeling a bit like why go to therapy at all if I had to go with those 2 guys?

Talk then turned to how much I owed him for the session, and to my surprise, he said I owed him $200, which is well over his normal fee. Again, I was annoyed at this. I had gotten nothing out of the session, but yet I owed more. He explained the session had run long so there was an additional charge. Well, I hadn’t wanted the useless session to run long so I felt that wasn’t my fault. He said he was through trying to stick to a strict schedule and if sessions ran late, so be it. As you can see, we were just at odds on everything.

Yikes, that was not a good dream!

Sunrise, really interesting dream, thanks for sharing it. I immediately thought of another post of yours:

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Last session with T was maximum anxiety again. And major anger release. I don't even know how T can sit there for a full hour of that from me. From anyone. I had so much stuff to deal with, two main topics. When I arrived, I told him I was worried I couldn't get all this out and we have this pressure because I want to cover certain things with him before the big legal meetings next week. But we just haven't been able to carve time for this in our sessions. And he looks at the two topics and he chooses which one, and again, the one that we keep putting off gets shunted aside. I ask if I can have another session this week so we can deal with that other topic. This is the first time I have ever asked him for a second session in one week. He says no, he is all booked up. I don't know how I can have the two legal meetings next week without going through this thing first in therapy. But he says we have to deal with the other topic, which relates to my inability to get along with one of the other members of my divorce team. We've touched on this before, so that's what we spend the session on.

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I use to have a lot of dreams about "two" things in therapy (had a couple dreams where there were two therapists in them, my actual therapist of the time and one of my therapists from many years ago :-) when I was dealing with trying to untangle my mother and stepmother from one another. It could be you're tangled about the above "two" objects or meetings with T as T and as helper with your divorce; the whole therapy "or" divorce seesaw has been a lot on your mind lately? I think that might have something to do with the two extra guys you don't want (and the team member you have trouble getting along with?) and perhaps your T's wheelchair handicap has to do with his only being your T and only able to help you a certain amount and you're wanting your own time with him and yet he doesn't have time (but maybe you unconsciously suspect he does?). You were saying you wanted all three of you to have each your own private sessions and that made me think you wish your "problems"/issues/what you're working on would separate out neatly into it's components so you could see and deal with each without so much "mess"/difficulty? By now perhaps you've picked up on owing him $200 (another "2" thing)?

Not wanting to look while he struggles could be all sorts of things; wishing he could be all things to you with these problems and knowing he can't be but not wanting to "see" that? Some sort of feeling like that I'm thinking, not wanting to "see" something you actually "know".

Are you aware of what steps/elevators/floors in a building generally mean in dreams? The "top" or upper floors are your head/intellect/thinking/cognition and the "basement"/lower levels are emotions (and sometimes sexual, depends) and unconscious. So it's interesting to me you going up a level for the session you don't like and going down to his "usual" office and not wanting to "see" him as he is on the way.

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/house.htm

Hi Perna, thanks for commenting on my dream. Lots of ideas there!

I had heard that in dreams, stairs represent going to a higher level of awareness or lower depending on whether you are going up or down. So going up stairs would be growth in a positive direction. I'm not sure how that fits with my dream, but your stairs interepretation was interesting too and might fit better.

So much of my dream was about the frame: the setting of therapy, who was present, the cost, the schedule, etc. I think my unconscious is having some anxiety about the frame, maybe because I've been seeing T in his other role in our divorce, outside of his office. I wonder if T's handicap/wheelchair means that since I am seeing him outside therapy, I am seeing him better for who he really is, and he is not perfect.

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the whole therapy "or" divorce seesaw has been a lot on your mind lately

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, it has. At one point, I told T I didn't want him to go to the legal meetings, and that caused a stir with the team. But I changed my mind on that and let him attend, and he was helpful. I liked having him there. He was a minor player but vigilant, and waiting to step in if he is needed. It was reassuring to know he was there in that role. On the other hand, sometimes when I go see T in his office, I just want to do therapy! And instead we do stuff related to the legal meetings, he composes emails to the other team members while I am there (so I can edit him if I want), etc. Sometimes I just don't want that! And I want to be able to choose the topic and have felt the topic I desperately want to tell T about keeps getting put on the back burner against my wishes. It's frustrating.

In the dream, I felt bad about watching him struggle down the stairs without his wheelchair. I felt bad about feeling bad about it, if that makes sense. Like we are supposed to have this wonderful mutualistic relationship, but if truth be known, I want it all about me, and want T to be perfect and have no failings. I don't want to have to help him down the stairs. I felt like my desire for wanting a mutualistic relationship was exposed as false; I was a fraud. I was just another needy client saying "me, me, me!" Similarly, I was so needy and selfish I couldn't even share T with those 2 guys in the joint session.

I don't know what the "twos" thing means, but there sure are a lot them, aren't there?

Thanks again, Perna.

Thinking more on the two; remember dreams do the unconscious' work the best they can.

Two could also be "to," as in going toward something? In addition, it could be "in addition" :-) as in "too." So could mean "and" almost?

I like the two things you're working on, divorce and/or therapy for explanation of "two". I think you'll have more dreams where there are pairs of things in them; I must have had 10-20 such dreams over the one or two years I was working on my "merged" two mothers. There's so many possible facets for you; two as in you and your husband, you alone and you married, you in therapy and you in divorce, etc. I'm envious of you :-)