[CartDown]

I asked my therapist if I could hug him someday. He said "yeah, sure!" I didn't ask for a hug right then, I wasn't ready, so told him "not today, someday." He said "ok, I'll give you a virtual hug for now." I thought that was cute.

Then during our last session, he brought it up and asked why I asked, why I wanted to hug him. I told him I was curious if he would be ok with it and then I asked him if he was worried about something. He said he was trying to figure out if a hug would be good for my therapy or will it complicate my feelings for him. He then asked how I thought I would feel one I hugged him and walked out the door, what will that do to me. I told him I didn't know...I really don't think It would be a big deal, but still said I didn't know because even if something's bad for me, if I want it, I won't say it's bad. He changed the subject then.

I'm starting to wonder if he just wants me to come to the conclusion that it's bad so he wouldn't have to reject me. But it bothers me. I would rather him be honest and just say "no." I don't want him to feel like he has to hug me, but I don't want to deal with rejection either... Probably wasn't even worth it to ask. It seems like a lose/lose situation now and it bums me out.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It sounds like you wanted to put your request out there to him and just let it be in the room, but T is trying to get you to discuss it which is making it more complicated for you. I can understand myself feeling like that actually. I've had Ts hug me and also a T say no, but either way it's a subject so sensitive to me that it always needed to be on my terms rather than made into a massive issue before I'm ready to discuss what a hug means. That said, I can also see why your T might be keen to explore the issue especially as you've told him you won't let him know if something isn't good for you. That probably raises some questions for him and he wants to find out why you want a hug.

I know it's hard, but it sounds important to tell your T how you're feeling about how he's handling this. Do you want him to just leave the issue for now until you're ready to come back to it? Do you just want straightforward reassurance that he does give hugs if you decide you want them? I think he's being super cautious which is really good, because if you don't know what a hug means to you, it's something that could cause problems later on. It doesn't sound to me like he's a straightforward 'no' kind of T, otherwise surely he would have just said he doesn't offer touch. Many therapists don't. The fact he is willing to discuss this sounds to me like he is open to it, but wants to be sure it's not going to cause more problems for you.

[Omers]

I can see my T doing something similar. I know when I asked him if he gave hugs he lit up and said yes, he really liked giving hugs. Knowing I have a bad history with men though he paused after answering and gave me space. When I didn’t say anything and I didn’t move to the door (it was the end of session) he knew I was stuck and asked me if I wanted one that day. If I had said no he would totally respect it but I am pretty sure he would gently bring it up the next session. My T would be confused about why I took the risk to ask but then didn’t want a hug so the next session I am sure he would be asking what hugs mean for me or what do they do for me. To ask about them and not want one suggested that there is something else in the question and that “something else” would be what my T would be trying to understand.

Your T sounds very responsible.
Therapy is for you to discover you. Asking these questions is being done for you, not against you.