[autonoe]

I don't post often, but I wrote a couple of months ago that I'd been considering quitting therapy. I always came around to staying and vowing to try harder. This was mostly because I liked my therapist's company. Well, my therapist just suddenly sent me packing after he decided that he didn't have the "tools" to treat me anymore.

Part of me felt a huge sense of relief because of the anxiety that simply going to therapy caused me, but another part of me felt hurt. And that's because he'd tried this more than once before, putting a new diagnosis on me that he couldn't treat. But this time there was no escaping it, and that was that. It happened very quickly, and I couldn't help but feel like he'd finally succeeded at getting rid of me.

Our final session was short and anticlimactic. There was no emotion from either of us, at least visibly. I felt at one point that I might cry when it hit me that I would not see him again, but because of how icy he seemed, I kept it together. I was hoping he would tell me that he'd enjoyed having me as a client or that he liked me as a person, but he didn't say anything of the kind. No hug, no handshake, nothing. He only gave me a list of other therapists that he thought could help me. We didn't even look at each other as I was walking out.

I'd been seeing him for over two years, so when I left the office, I felt deflated and unwanted and confused. And now I'm back to thoughts of how strange the therapeutic relationship is. Many times he mentioned the importance of our "relationship." I spent two years getting comfortable with this person and becoming fond of him, only to get sent down the road without so much as a "it's been nice having you here." Was it not worth mentioning? Or was it never nice?

Of course, as I've written here, I sometimes felt attracted to him and wondered if he felt the same. I never mentioned it to him and maybe was just imagining the reciprocation. But I have to wonder if that's part of why he let me go. I don't really believe this to be true, but it crosses my mind as I wonder what exactly happened on his end.

One week he mentioned that he thought I should go somewhere else. The next week we were done. It was so fast and that's why I feel like there was something more to it, and also because he'd tried the same thing twice before. And, for weeks before this, he seemed different and aloof during sessions. I felt like I'd done something wrong, but I never asked and just kept going. And then this happened.

At this point, I have not called any of the people on the list he gave me. I am not sure that I want to attempt therapist number five, especially after spending two years with one that I felt I had a good relationship with. I am not sure I have the energy to establish another relationship, tell my story yet again, and then go through the process of "working" on this new diagnosis.

Now I'm just dealing with things on my own and maybe that's how it should stay, at least for the time being. The one positive thing I can say about all this is that I enjoy not having to go to my appointments anymore. It got to where the sessions were causing me as much stress as the topics I needed to discuss, to the point I'd be in a pre-panic-attack state on arrival. It feels freeing that I no longer have this stress on my agenda each week. On the other hand, I still have unresolved problems and a new diagnosis, as well as the feeling I have been dumped and don't know why. I believe him that this new diagnosis could be correct and that I could use help with it, but this event just felt like more than that. And even if it's all in my head, it still bothers me. I now understand better why so many people slam the therapy profession.

[maybeblue]

That seems pretty crappy. I can understand being reluctant to try again. I don't even like my therapist half the time and I'd still be upset if she decided to fire me. And how is it that it took him two years to come up with diagnosis that he can't treat? Do you feel like sharing what the diagnosis is?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Your situation reminds me of mine with ex-T. In the end, we started arguing more. The week before she terminated me, I asked for a check-in call, which was normally okay. She said no. Then she terminated me the next week. It was so confusing. Even now that I basically know what happened, it's still confusing. I literally forgot parts of what happened.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This is not the norm. I can tell you that there are good Ts out there. I have found 2 good Ts after ex-T: T and L. It's okay if you need a break or if you decide not to try again. It's also okay if you do try again.

Something that a counselor told me: Ts are like politicians: they should be switched out every couple of years so you get a new perspective. That was and is hard for me to accept. I love my T. I've been with her for 4 years. But now that I've met L, I'm thinking of staying with L for awhile. I'm lucky to have my T who says she'll never abandon me. But our work got stale.

What a terrible therapist you had. I’m sorry to hear your story. He should never have done that.

[autonoe]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

And how is it that it took him two years to come up with diagnosis that he can't treat? Do you feel like sharing what the diagnosis is?

I've asked myself this question, too. For a long time, I felt I had more extensive problems than anxiety/depression (not that these are not terrible enough on their own), my original diagnosis. I expressed this to him a couple of times, but he never addressed it and I assumed he knew what I needed. The other diagnoses he considered giving me about a year ago were unrelated and he ended up not pursuing them or referring me out, but the new one makes total sense. I have to ask myself how it took him this long to make the connection. And I feel like a lot of time was wasted getting to this diagnosis. I don't want to say the diagnosis here, but I would tell you in private if you want.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This is not the norm. I can tell you that there are good Ts out there. I have found 2 good Ts after ex-T: T and L. It's okay if you need a break or if you decide not to try again. It's also okay if you do try again.

Something that a counselor told me: Ts are like politicians: they should be switched out every couple of years so you get a new perspective. That was and is hard for me to accept.

That's a good point about changing therapists after a couple of years. It makes sense.

My therapist was good for me in many ways, and I liked him, but something definitely shifted toward the end. It was subtle but it was different. And then there is the question of how long it took to get a proper diagnosis. Needless to say, I have a lot of mixed emotions.

If I try another therapist, I want to remain as detached as possible. I made the mistake of thinking of him as a friend, or at least wanting him as a friend, and that's why this frustrates me so much. What's the point of a "relationship" with a therapist if it's so easily snuffed out in the end?

[ScarletPimpernel]

If you're the type of attaches to people, you'll probably attach again. Just as a warning.

I didn't want to attach to my T after ex-T abandoned me. I actually at one point told her I hate her. But over time, I got attached. I didn't want to attach to my back up T (L). I wanted a male T because I knew I'd be more likely to attach to a woman. But I wound up with L and was attached after the first phone call! I didn't want to. I still don't like it. I feel like I'm cheating on my T. But both T and L wanted me to attach to L. I still don't understand 100% why. I know part of it is because I'm less likely to give up if I'm attached.

Just don't go in thinking you can control whether you get attached or not. Sometimes it's beyond our conscious control.

[autonoe]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Just don't go in thinking you can control whether you get attached or not. Sometimes it's beyond our conscious control.

Thanks for the advice. You're right about that. I think that if I try again, I will try another female therapist. The first two therapists I had were female and highly nurturing, but I never attached to them and it was easy to leave when the time came. My third therapist was another woman, and I sometimes felt maternal feelings for because she was much older than I was; but with my one and only male therapist, I struggled from time to time with feeling attracted and wanting friendship and bonding that could never happen. I have pretty severe "daddy issues" and I tend to latch on to men and often idealize them, and I really just want the male attention. Oddly enough, I never discussed this with my male therapist. I felt embarrassed.

Anyway, you're right that it's something to consider. It could happen again. It's the number one thing that makes me reluctant to try one more time.

[corbie]

I'm sorry you're going through this! I can relate to a lot of this, as I recently broke up with my T. Different situation, thankfully minus the sudden distance and coldness, but also similar in ways.

From what you write about increasing anxiety going to sessions (and sounds like you never got around discussing this with him?), and the possible diagnosis outside his competence, and how he handled this, I'd say it's objectively better for you to not have this person as your T ... but you probably know that, and it doesn't lessen the pain and confusion.

If you felt something off about him, then something was most likely off. A diagnosis he can't treat is no reason not to give you proper closure - like, at the very least making an effort to reassure you that you're still valued.

Do you think it's worth a try letting him know how this lack of proper closure made you feel and ask for clarification? There's a chance he deluded himself into thinking he was acting in your best interest, and if you let him know that very much wasn't the case, he might be willing to listen.

Another way to look at it, I guess is.. The relationship isn't able how much love you can feel for someone. It's able being real. He admitted he didn't feel he could be of use to you anymore

That's real.

[Rive.]

Sorry to read that. It seems your therapist felt out of his depth with you and in response to his perceived incompetence to help you, turned cold and 'rejecting'. He was far from professional and actually, was rather cruel to you i.e. his client.

It's understandable that you would be reluctant to engage with yet another therapist. However, he was the one who messed up and dropped the ball here, not you.

[nottrustin]

[QUOTE=ScarletPimpernel;661820

Something that a counselor told me: Ts are like politicians: they should be switched out every couple of years so you get a new perspective. That was and is hard for me to accept. I love my T. I've been with her for 4 years. But now that I've met L, I'm thinking of staying with L for awhile. I'm lucky to have my T who says she'll never abandon me. But our work got stale.[/QUOTE]

Off topic..sort of

I once had a coworker (who is a LCSW but only ever work inpatient) tell me that anybody who sees the same counselor for more than 2 years is just paying for a friend. He didnt know my personal life or that I had been seeing T for 4 years at the time. I was angry and upset. I have talked to both my Ts about this as it often runs through my head. They both agree he hasn't deal with people with abandonment and trauma histories.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by autonoe

I don't post often, but I wrote a couple of months ago that I'd been considering quitting therapy. I always came around to staying and vowing to try harder. This was mostly because I liked my therapist's company. Well, my therapist just suddenly sent me packing after he decided that he didn't have the "tools" to treat me anymore.

Part of me felt a huge sense of relief because of the anxiety that simply going to therapy caused me, but another part of me felt hurt. And that's because he'd tried this more than once before, putting a new diagnosis on me that he couldn't treat. But this time there was no escaping it, and that was that. It happened very quickly, and I couldn't help but feel like he'd finally succeeded at getting rid of me.

Our final session was short and anticlimactic. There was no emotion from either of us, at least visibly. I felt at one point that I might cry when it hit me that I would not see him again, but because of how icy he seemed, I kept it together. I was hoping he would tell me that he'd enjoyed having me as a client or that he liked me as a person, but he didn't say anything of the kind. No hug, no handshake, nothing. He only gave me a list of other therapists that he thought could help me. We didn't even look at each other as I was walking out.

I'd been seeing him for over two years, so when I left the office, I felt deflated and unwanted and confused. And now I'm back to thoughts of how strange the therapeutic relationship is. Many times he mentioned the importance of our "relationship." I spent two years getting comfortable with this person and becoming fond of him, only to get sent down the road without so much as a "it's been nice having you here." Was it not worth mentioning? Or was it never nice?

Of course, as I've written here, I sometimes felt attracted to him and wondered if he felt the same. I never mentioned it to him and maybe was just imagining the reciprocation. But I have to wonder if that's part of why he let me go. I don't really believe this to be true, but it crosses my mind as I wonder what exactly happened on his end.

One week he mentioned that he thought I should go somewhere else. The next week we were done. It was so fast and that's why I feel like there was something more to it, and also because he'd tried the same thing twice before. And, for weeks before this, he seemed different and aloof during sessions. I felt like I'd done something wrong, but I never asked and just kept going. And then this happened.

At this point, I have not called any of the people on the list he gave me. I am not sure that I want to attempt therapist number five, especially after spending two years with one that I felt I had a good relationship with. I am not sure I have the energy to establish another relationship, tell my story yet again, and then go through the process of "working" on this new diagnosis.

Now I'm just dealing with things on my own and maybe that's how it should stay, at least for the time being. The one positive thing I can say about all this is that I enjoy not having to go to my appointments anymore. It got to where the sessions were causing me as much stress as the topics I needed to discuss, to the point I'd be in a pre-panic-attack state on arrival. It feels freeing that I no longer have this stress on my agenda each week. On the other hand, I still have unresolved problems and a new diagnosis, as well as the feeling I have been dumped and don't know why. I believe him that this new diagnosis could be correct and that I could use help with it, but this event just felt like more than that. And even if it's all in my head, it still bothers me. I now understand better why so many people slam the therapy profession.

Oh my. I am so sorry he treated you this way. It definitely sounds like he had something else going on

[SalingerEsme]

Write him a three or two star review on google maps and Yelp. In the first paragraph say he is is good at whatever he is good at.

In the second paragraph say However, Dr. xyz takes on more than he can chew as a psychologist, and suddenly bails out of longer term cases that catch him off guard suddenly that he lacks the hard skills . Say while you recommend him for short term or CBT, that he isn’t a reasonable providor for long term psychodynamic therapy.

At least he will hear you, and will be held accountable. The more balanced and reasonable , the more effective. Write line a supervisor, not an upset client.

QUOTE=autonoe;6618194]I don't post often, but I wrote a couple of months ago that I'd been considering quitting therapy. I always came around to staying and vowing to try harder. This was mostly because I liked my therapist's company. Well, my therapist just suddenly sent me packing after he decided that he didn't have the "tools" to treat me anymore.

Part of me felt a huge sense of relief because of the anxiety that simply going to therapy caused me, but another part of me felt hurt. And that's because he'd tried this more than once before, putting a new diagnosis on me that he couldn't treat. But this time there was no escaping it, and that was that. It happened very quickly, and I couldn't help but feel like he'd finally succeeded at getting rid of me.

Our final session was short and anticlimactic. There was no emotion from either of us, at least visibly. I felt at one point that I might cry when it hit me that I would not see him again, but because of how icy he seemed, I kept it together. I was hoping he would tell me that he'd enjoyed having me as a client or that he liked me as a person, but he didn't say anything of the kind. No hug, no handshake, nothing. He only gave me a list of other therapists that he thought could help me. We didn't even look at each other as I was walking out.

I'd been seeing him for over two years, so when I left the office, I felt deflated and unwanted and confused. And now I'm back to thoughts of how strange the therapeutic relationship is. Many times he mentioned the importance of our "relationship." I spent two years getting comfortable with this person and becoming fond of him, only to get sent down the road without so much as a "it's been nice having you here." Was it not worth mentioning? Or was it never nice?

Of course, as I've written here, I sometimes felt attracted to him and wondered if he felt the same. I never mentioned it to him and maybe was just imagining the reciprocation. But I have to wonder if that's part of why he let me go. I don't really believe this to be true, but it crosses my mind as I wonder what exactly happened on his end.

One week he mentioned that he thought I should go somewhere else. The next week we were done. It was so fast and that's why I feel like there was something more to it, and also because he'd tried the same thing twice before. And, for weeks before this, he seemed different and aloof during sessions. I felt like I'd done something wrong, but I never asked and just kept going. And then this happened.

At this point, I have not called any of the people on the list he gave me. I am not sure that I want to attempt therapist number five, especially after spending two years with one that I felt I had a good relationship with. I am not sure I have the energy to establish another relationship, tell my story yet again, and then go through the process of "working" on this new diagnosis.

Now I'm just dealing with things on my own and maybe that's how it should stay, at least for the time being. The one positive thing I can say about all this is that I enjoy not having to go to my appointments anymore. It got to where the sessions were causing me as much stress as the topics I needed to discuss, to the point I'd be in a pre-panic-attack state on arrival. It feels freeing that I no longer have this stress on my agenda each week. On the other hand, I still have unresolved problems and a new diagnosis, as well as the feeling I have been dumped and don't know why. I believe him that this new diagnosis could be correct and that I could use help with it, but this event just felt like more than that. And even if it's all in my head, it still bothers me. I now understand better why so many people slam the therapy profession. [/QUOTE]

[SlumberKitty]

Wow, that seems very harsh. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I would be devastated. HUGS Kit

[autonoe]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Write him a three or two star review on google maps and Yelp. In the first paragraph say he is is good at whatever he is good at.

In the second paragraph say However, Dr. xyz takes on more than he can chew as a psychologist, and suddenly bails out of longer term cases that catch him off guard suddenly that he lacks the hard skills . Say while you recommend him for short term or CBT, that he isn’t a reasonable providor for long term psychodynamic therapy.

At least he will hear you, and will be held accountable. The more balanced and reasonable, the more effective. Write line a supervisor, not an upset client.

That's not a bad idea. I didn't get what I needed during the last few months of seeing him, and maybe it make me feel better to let him know how I feel about it now.

[SalingerEsme]

Yes , that for sure. Also so that he realizes thAt he is accountable for the way this ended for you. With power comes responsibility, but hardly anyone holds T’s responsible as either patients or customers. It is one way to remind him to hear you when he isn’t listening. The key is the three or two star review that is eminently reasonable, saying this provider is more than adequate for short term CBT etc. However , you cannot recommend him for long term psychodynamic therapy ( or whatever you were doing with him at which he wounded you). He will think about your case.