Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

I got up early this morning because I woke and couldn't get back to sleep. In addition to getting ready for work I tidied and emptied the dishwasher and started laundry and ironed a couple things and generally puttered. I just can't settle. The nervous energy needs somewhere to go. Two things....

Jersey, thank you so much for the reminder to rest. Yesterday I was planning what I would do next, and I thought of your post and thought: Nope. Rest. Sit. So I made a cuppa and worked on a puzzle for about twenty minutes. Then I popped around like popcorn again. Y'all out there, those kinds of kindnesses really do make a difference to people we've never met in real life.

And I remembered that I used to feel this way all. the. time. My t called me a hummingbird, always in motion. If I stopped feeling this nervous tension, the ex would make sure I got back there. It's been a while since he's been able to knock me this far off balance. So there's that.

Hope you all have a good day. I made some virtual chicken soup for our sickies. Hugs.

I hope after this stressful moment passes you can make resting and doing nothing more of a regular occurrence.

I feel the same way about our coucharoonies here.

Yay well done for getting things sorted!

I'm sorry you've got it so rough at the moment.

I hope you feel better soon.

I'm listening.

EMDR T is significantly raising her fee in January. She has said I can remain on current fee but I feel guilty.

I understand feeling guilty, but I think it's a pretty common thing to keep clients at their original rates when increasing fees--my ex-T did that. And current T gives me a discount from his existing rate because my insurance changed how much they'll cover. I do feel kinda bad about that, but he's reassured me that it's fine. I figure they'd rather keep existing clients and have figured out their financials so that they can accommodate the fee differences.

I've seen R for close to 3 years now. He's increased his price twice but I've always been on the same lower rate. I would still bring it up if it's bugging you and it's okay to feel the way you do.

Lemon, I always find it discombobulating when I see patients who share my struggles in a professional context.

Sometimes my colleagues will say awful things about people with depression or SH or whatnot, not knowing that I struggle with serious mental health issues. I've gotten to the point where nine times out of ten I'll fix them up right quick (say something like, "You think that pt is crazy and beyond hope b/c they SH? I used to SH, do you think that about me?" and then they backtrack *real* fast).

I'm not recommending that approach, since it's certainly not for everyone. I'm weirdly open at work about my mental health struggles... hiding things/keeping things private made me feel like I had something to be ashamed of, so I stopped doing that. And I'm at a workplace that has been nothing but supportive of my stuff.

I'm just saying that for me it feels weird to be seeing/treating patients who have the same problems that I do. So, hugs if you feel that weirdness too. (And hugs if you don't because you're Lemon and you're wonderful.)

I'm seeing T in a few minutes and weirdly anxious. I don't want a repeat of yesterday's session even though I'm sure he'd say it went fine.

I'm supposed to be writing an article this afternoon but my head is mush and I'm really struggling to think clearly.

Talking to T in two hours.

H and I saw D's T, P (that's a lot of initials!) together with D today. I think it went OK. I realized after I left that we sat in the same configuration that we sat in for marriage counseling, down to where the T sits in relation to me. So, that's in my head a little... And she suggested we come the weeks D doesn't for a bit, and I was a little reluctant about that. It's partly financial but I think more that it's making me think of marriage counseling and the various stuff with that. (Ex-MC came up a bit in session with Dr. T yesterday, too.)

All that aside, I think it went OK with P. She was mainly trying to get a sense of D's day-to-day routine and where we (and she) struggled with things with her. Though we determined that H's method of dealing with D' reluctance to do certain things/meltdowns is likely better than mine. So I guess I have to figure out how to be more like how he handles things (more direct, using 1-2-3 magic when needed). Though he left out the part that he yells at her sometimes, too...

Also, I feel like I'm having some sort of allergic reaction, with my eyes and skin really itchy. But I haven't eaten, drank, or used any different products (soap, etc.) than normal today, and pollen levels outside are low. Wonder if it could be a stress/anxiety thing? Or there's something in P's office I reacted to, but I didn't notice any scents. If it keeps up, will take an allergy med to see if that helps.

HUGS @LonesomeTonight it could be a stress reaction. I've broken out into hives because of stress. That was fun (not!) I hope you feel a bit better soon with the itchiness and stuff. I'm glad it went well with P. I hope she will be helpful for you all. HUGS Kit

HUGS @SheHulk07 I hope your T session goes well!

Thanks, Kit. I have what could be a hive or two so took an Allegra to see if that helps. I do tend to have seasonal allergies at different times than most people, so maybe I'm allergic to something that's out now that they don't report. (Like I tested negative for ragweed, but there's something that's out in the fall I'm allergic to, just forget what it was, as the allergy testing was like 10 years ago.) The fact that I was fine until I left the house is what's making me think that.

Wait, what? His way of handling her reluctance to do things is f***ing awful. Please be honest with her about the way he talks to her. This shouldn't and can't turn into "LT is the problem" again. Sorry to jump in so strongly LT, I am feeling protective of you because you always seem to be being made out to be the one with the problem, meanwhile your H has huge problems with parenting.

Pastor T went well last night. He asked me a lot more questions about my SH than my regular T does. Like how many? How deep? How long since I've had to get stitches? What did I try before hand? How did I feel afterward? What did I do afterward? Are they at risk for infection? Etc. He was proud of me for asking his wife to be my accountability partner but I was kind of confused later because he kind of made it seem like to contact her would be a "last resort." Like try all the other stuff first like holding ice cubes, taking a hot bath, getting under my weighted blankets, etc. Then if all that stuff didn't work then to contact her. I was like hmmm. Okay. He didn't ask to see the SH which I was glad about because I was kind of worried about that. I mean most of it was bandaged anyway but it is always so invasive feeling to have to show them. It's one thing if I want to show them, it's another thing if the T wants to see and I don't want to show them or I'm not sure if I want to show them. We talked a lot about faith, he is my pastor so that's a given. He gave me some homework to do for next week. He wanted me to do this exercise where I close my eyes and do a visualization and then pray out loud with him in the room, and I was like, uh, how about I do that at home and then report back to you next week? So he agreed to that, because I wasn't sure I was open to doing that. Like it just seemed really weird and I didn't like it at all that he would be in the room and I would have my eyes closed, even though he has the office door open. Just still, weird. I was really stressed and anxious going into the appointment but afterwards I didn't feel as anxious. I see him next week and then he will be off a couple of weeks because he is having a knee replacement surgery. I get sort of destabilized seeing him, but maybe he is mixing it up in a good way, pushing me more toward healing? I don't know. He asked me how my parents deal with their emotions. I was like I don't know. So he said if I learned to not deal with my emotions isn't it logical that I could learn to deal with my emotions? Dang. Can't argue with logic! So I guess it went pretty good. I'll see regular T tomorrow. HUGS all, Kit

LT—why don’t you mention the yelling or maybe slip it in if you get the chance? Not to one up your husband, but if the goal is to help your daughter the therapist should know that.

I can see his way might be “better” if he sets clearer boundaries and she needs those, but not when you factor the yelling in.

I disagree about how her husband has been reported as parenting as a huge problem. (I am not talking about anyone being a bad guy or whether one person is a a problem or not). I think he sounds like he is okay- he has never sounded like he has huge problems with parenting to me - children can handle parents who are different in how they approach parenting. Could any parent be better? Probably, but here, the father has not sounded bad to me at all. If one yells at times, the child will not break. Children are just not that fragile and setting boundaries and not letting the child run the family is a much better approach in my opinion.

It may be that I am responding to instances that have not been shared here, or it may be that we have different ideas of what acceptable parenting looks like. Possibly both.

I guess I did sort of admit my yelling at her at times when I couldn't figure out what else to do or she pushed buttons (though I said I'm not a "yeller" in general), but we didn't really address his so much. I guess I was trying not to badmouth him or anything. I did mention that he was capable of picking her up and carrying her if she refused to go someplace, which is more difficult for me with her being 50 pounds, and his being a foot taller than me and stronger. She asked if he did that at times, and he said yes. But I didn't get the sense she saw any issue with that.


Conversely, Dr. T has said a few times that the only time you should really be physical (I think he used the term "manhandle") with a child her age is like if she's about to run into traffic or some other sort of danger. Because that teaches her that stronger people make the rules, or something like that (this was a while ago). He's also had issues with H yelling at D, especially when cursing is part of it (the only cursing she hears from me is something that occasionally slips about another car when I'm driving or, like, if I drop something on my foot).

I would would go with both but I imagine it is just that we have very different ideas about what acceptable parenting looks like.

I may share more in a bit.

Maybe P is taking into account your daughter’s emotional maturity while Dr T is thinking of her physical age? (Sorry if that is badly expressed; my sense from what you post here is she acts younger than her actual age.)

The last time I remember a parent picking me up was around 9 and it was just to carry me to bed when I fell asleep on the sofa with a fever.

I don't see picking up a child who is refusing to do something as being bad parenting either. Are there other ways one could learn = perhaps. But until one does, and if the child is holding the other people hostage = then pick them up, put them where you want them, and go on with your life.
I might consider cursing a problem if it was like "you effing piece of crap - get in the car"
I would not think it was a problem if it was "You are driving me nuts, get in the effing car"