Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

I'm feel like I'm falling into a well of despair. My therapist has inadvertently triggered my abandonment fears last week leading to a session where I sobbed without abandon right at the end of the session. I felt ridiculous for letting it all hang out like that. We met today for the first time since sobageddon and I had so many things I wanted to tell him about how I was feeling about our relationship, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get any of it out properly so we talked about other stuff. The other stuff led to my relationship and brought up memories of some painful times and now I have that dirty/ugly/icky feeling and I can't shake it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I need support, but I'm so tired of feeling needy and I don't want to bother my therapist any more.

It had to happen sooner or later in my town. I was sitting in a coffee shop when i realised the person behind me was talking about my exT, if she hadnt said his full name inwould have recognised him, he gave her emergency appointments and saw her weekly. The 2 things i wanted from him

Has Artie left?

I was also just wondering that.

This morning's sunrise. Hopefully it's not sideways this time.

She isnt in the members list she disappeared from my friends list which made me wonder

Thats beautiful i am rarely awake at sunrise as i dont work anymore and my meds make it hard to wake up but it is my favourite time of day

Well, that makes me sad.

Me too.....

Same in being sad...figured she'd at least say something (unless I possibly missed it?)

Pastor T said I can't SH for three days. I have a GP appointment on Wednesday and I know she's going to ask me to get my pap smear and I haven't done it in a few years so I am going to try to let her do it. But that would require SH. So Pastor T is going to have me call him on my lunch break on Wednesday and then call him after the appointment. But I can't SH. Not sure if I can do this. But he was like what's bigger, your faith, or your SH? Crap. I don't think I can do this. It's either SH or not get the pap smear done. Oh crap. Kit

I really tried negotiating with Pastor T but he wasn't having it. Sigh. Kit

Pap smear is most important, I'd say--it's about your health. Hugs...

I have had exactly one pap smear done and that was probably 35 years ago. I have never had a mammogram, and I don't remember the last time I went to a dr who didn't work for urgent care. Probably 30-35 years ago for that as well.

Why do you keep dealing with this guy?

This is my fear for you with pastor T, he is treating you from his religious viewpoint that you can pray away the feelings . What you go through is a coping behaviour to deal with some huge feelings and emotions, no amount of just having enough faith will make that go away. SH is not an indication that your faith wasn't big or strong enough. Someone skilled in mental health treatment might be a better fit.

He doesn't seem to be helping overall.

I wrote L last night. Normally she responds before noon. I didn't hear anything from her by 4:30pm, so I emailed her again. Nothing. I'm super worried and depressed. This has never happened before.

I had to drive past exT s rooms, the Tuesday afternoon group from last year are there. What is it about me that he wont see me again.

I wrote him an email about the group and how confused i was because he said he wasnt engaging with old clients and offered to pay privately and only see him once a month its in my draftsfolder. Why ami so hung up on this guy?

I just want to cry and feel better but I don't have the space to even do that.

I hate pap smears and avoid them at all costs in 35 years i have had about 6 i reckon

I had a dream last night that Dr. T was sitting on my couch reading a book to me. Then he handed me the book and said it was my turn to read to him. And he helped me figure out how to say some of the character names. It felt nice and was quite paternal, which is weird, because I don't typically have those sorts of feelings toward him. Maybe I'm just suppressing them, so they show up in my dreams...

I’m staying with a mentor from med school and her husband, and am feeling all sorts of maternal-child yearnings towards her. They’re in their eighties; he has kids from a previous marriage but she never had kids so doesn’t necessarily have that kind of practice in mothering. Still, they both hugged me hello yesterday when I got to their place after a reasonably harrowing drive in the sleet.

I’m so damn full of longing.

Not to keep jumping in with feedback, chihiro, but where you are right now is really striking a chord with me. It seems to me that the trick is to eventually get to where you can take in those little bits of mothering (or comfort or whatever you want to call it) and use them to fill the void instead of just seeing how they shine a spotlight on the cavernous emptiness. I've noticed a tiny shift in my ability to do that, and it's nice. The question is obviously how do you figure out how to do that, and I'm not totally sure how it happened.

I always appreciate your feedback, EM

That’s such a lovely image. The “how” isn’t clear to me either... but maybe having the intention to shine the spotlight on the small moments of comfort will help shift it in my heart a bit.