Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

That reminds me of the first time at 4 or 5 my mother told me no talking back. I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to say something back—wouldn’t anything I said be talking back?

I was however smart enough not to say that out loud.

Art, in all honesty I don’t think you have a complex to *be* a good little girl. I think you do have a complex about *seeming* to be a good little girl. Big difference.

I don't know that I agree with the sentiment. Of course, I also hated that movie so ....

I do often wonder if when people attribute things to their children if it is really coming from the child or because the parent cannot separate themselve/their experience from the one the child is actually having. My mother greatly disliked doing things alone and thus always interpreted my being alone a lot as a bad thing that needed fixing. She was worried I was lonely and did not want me to be, but her worry was misplaced and caused me more grief than being alone.
Also, if I was tumbling roughly around with friends or my father (he was not being mean) and having fun - worried I would get hurt and tried to stop it (luckily my dad did not listen on that one) - my sibling who was much more worried about making my mother happy would not join in fun because of her worry about us getting hurt. Also, he learned early to get her attention by playing that sort of thing up. He was naturally more cuddly than I was and really into being touched or hugged etc. I never was according to family legend. I really think it parents can be way too helicoptery.

No. As a teacher, targeting school as punishment does neither the child or the teachers any favors. Please don't.

As far as whining goes, well heck, I whine as an adult at times. But, I am well aware that I am doing it and that it can be annoying to anyone listening to my whining, so I temper it, choose my audience carefully, or do it in my car alone (LOL).

Kids can learn boundaries about whining. Sometimes they don't really know they are doing it, particularly if it has become habitual. They need to be taught to recognize it when they are doing it (they truly may not even realize how often they are doing it), and taught to reduce it, choose their audience and timing carefully, etc. It's a skill that oftentimes, even adults have never been taught. But just yelling at them to stop and then punishing them isn't modeling/teaching how to behave differently.

I have plenty of high schoolers who honestly don't recognize their whining behaviors when they are habitual. It is definitely something I work on with them because so often there is not an adult in their life who will really talk to them and teach them any differently. Too often they have been ignored, or they have been yelled at and at punished -- neither of which is particularly instructive. I work with them on how to voice a real complaint/concern without whining so they will actually be heard. We talk about the need to sometimes just bite our tongues when we are just in that mood to whine. We talk about not taking out our moods on other people (which is often what the whining is really about anyway). Generally, things improve with time and our teaching relationship becomes much healthier.

Parenting isn't much different except we often aren't as patient with our own kids as we would be with students. But I've found when my own kids get to whining, they are generally just stressed out about something else and their whining is part of their emotional venting. We let them know when it gets to be a bit much. Everyone has a limit, and learning to "hear" yourself and realize you are driving everyone around you crazy is a life skill.

I am seeing a whole lot of early 20 somethings who cannot handle any adversity or criticism. They cannot handle conflict on their own (ironic when they want to be lawyers), they expect to be praised for things like turning assignments in on time, and coming to class (you paid for it -come or don't come - it is your grade - not mine). And so on. They are not happier because they were brought up to think of themselves as fragile little things - they are anxious, med swilling, twitchy balls of goo.
I believe there is way too much coddling going on.
(like every generation before me has believed about younger generations - but now we have studies)

That's so interesting. You're likely correct as painful as that is to admit. And I know why, too. Thinking about my childhood from earlier couch discussion... growing up it was ALL about appearances to my mom, you know, like we had to look like the perfect family on the surface, on the outside, or else... so I got very good at appearing to be little miss perfect because I had to and it became instinctual I guess and I never let go of that need to look like this perfect little girl. Holy moly. I think L spent a lot of time trying to get me to see that and I just couldn't get there. And maybe all the work I did over the weekend opened something up in me to be able to finally see that. I need to take some time and really feel this, know this, internalize it.

Thank you.

There was a viral thread on Twitter a couple months ago, not someone I follow but it was all over my feed. The author had overheard a 20-something conferring with her editor who pointed out a typo (something like piece for peace). 20-something got upset (“that’s how I spell it”), editor stayed calm. 20-something then made a public phone call to her mother, on speaker, in the newsroom or whatever the workplace was, in which she complained about the unfairness of the editor over this typo, only to be soothed by the mother (“of course you can spell it that way”). Ugh.

Aha and L's warm fuzzy approach probably fed right into that need to be seen as that perfect little girl dint it??!

I saw that too. Really, really baffling parenting.

My college advisor 30+ years ago couldn't spell to save his life. He insisted on having a huge dictionary on a podium in every classroom he taught in. And he taught writing classes! God love him.

The advent of spellcheck helped ruin my speeling.

Got a call from cps today, and they're opening a case for us. We'll have to do 6 months of in home services and have a case manager I guess. I'm not familiar with any of it and how it works. She did say it's founded against H so she has to call and tell him. He knows they called but he doesn't know that against him that there's abuse/neglect being founded. He's already upset that they're investigating so I'm really worried how he'll react when he hears that news.
I have pdoc in an hour too so that should be interesting. I feel like I'm drowning through all of this.

HUGS @SheHulk07 that is a lot to go through. Sending you gentle HUGS Kit

Hugs, SheHulk...I wonder if there's someone you can talk to so you can get more info on all it involves? Like an advocate, something like that?

I hated Thelma and Louise. Didn't know anything about it when I saw it except I had heard it referenced a lot. Just thought it was incredibly stupid and pointless and a horrific waste of two hours. I sat down expecting something profound and got a pile of crap instead.

I wonder how WarmFuzzySocks is doing. Unless I missed a post-I haven’t see her on in a bit.

My shoulder is hurting again. It had been hurting for a few weeks and then for a few days it was feeling better but it is hurting again. I do have fibromyalgia and I'm not sure if that is playing into it. I thought I had just slept funny because I go to sleep on my left side and wind up on my back. And it's my left shoulder that is hurting. I did get some Icy Hot on Wednesday, I had been using Aspercream prior to that as it is what I had in the house. But the past two days I haven't used any cream, but today, it's back to the cream.

I think its one of those things that dont really age well. Like it was exciting and groundbreaking when it happened, and it changed everything, but after everything changes, you dont want to see idk like john glenn orbit the earth. Brad Pitt was soooo cute then, but he wasnt brad pitt yet! Like that.

Hugs, shehulk.

The 4 year old boy was messing around trying to somehow stick his whole body into the infants bouncy chair. Here is the funny conversation that ensued after:
Me: Hey you! Get out of there you are going to break it!
Him: (laughing) So what M is getting too big for it.
Me: Which means you are really too big for it. What if another baby comes along. Where will baby number 4 sit? Your mom will have to go buy another chair..
Him: Jersey. After M came, I had a really long talk with God. I promise you after that talk there will not be baby number 4!

That's Sweet @Jersey 4

Killing time till writers workshop tonight. I’m up again, suicide forest story.

Jersey how are you not peeing your pants every day? You two should take your show out on the road!

Thanks everyone. H talked to the lady and upset is an understatement for how he was acting. Now he's saying he should drop out of school and forget about any other jobs. I really dont know how this works, but I dont think it'll affect either one. Not that he's looking for a different job right now anyway.
I'm waiting at the pdoc now and I'm almost to tears already over this. Noon tomorrow cant come fast enough to talk to T.

Hey couchies. Hugs for those in pain. Head-nods for the non-huggers.

My oldest daughter came to visit for a few days. She no longer has a bedroom here. The youngest daughter has a daybed and trundle hahahaha it will be a constant slumber party. It's nice having her spirit back in our home.