Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Regular T: I don't like all this Covid-19 stuff. Wave your magic wand and make it stop! Please. Kit

Dear T,
I'm sure you're just working later this evening, but feel a bit awkward about having texted you to see if you have an earlier session without hearing back. Worried you're like, "FFS, LT, you aren't my only client freaking out about Covid-19" (even though I didn't mention that in the text, but you have to know...). I'm good with an online session. Even if it's like 8:30 a.m. tomorrow. You may have to meet with unshowered LT, but you can't smell me online.
I hope you're OK. And that we can talk in some way (even if email) before Thursday. Because I'm really not coping well with what's going on right now...and I'm worried it will get worse.
Love you,
LT

This situation is beyond my capacity to cope.

Dear T,
Glad you had an opening. Hope I'm not making a mistake (healthwise) seeing you in person today, but you offered...I may bring my own tissues though. And perhaps sit on the other end of the couch. I'll see how I feel when I get there. May do next session on video, but I feel weird about it, like, you'd be seeing my house? I almost would rather just do phone, I think... But I suppose I can give it a try.
Love,
LT

I am meeting a new therapist tomorrow. I am not brave enough to tell you. It was interesting comparing her Covid policy to your Covid "guidance". You sound utterly amateur in comparison. Oh and she was recommended to me by two other therapists. Weird how your name was never mentioned in the recommendations, despite the small world of your modality in my area.

I wish I could get over you.

I'm still mad at you.

You have no idea what this is like.
Do you think the reason you're not like this is that you try harder? That you're smarter? That you know how to identify cognitive distortions?
Do you think all your intellectual knowledge would be enough to save you from the same fate if one day you woke up and your brain was broken like mine?
Not even the ****** childhood, let's ignore that. Say you took a medication that had depression as a side effect. Like full blown clinical depression. Do you think you'd just think your way out of it because you're so ****ing smart?
Do you think you'd be trying harder than I am, that you'd want it more, and that that would be enough? Would you tough it out, persevere, overcome it with tenacity and fortitude?
Bull****.

I know you have to make a living but I would really rather cancel instead of doing video sessions. This is going to be miserable for me. Why oh why can't we just cancel until this thing is over. I could really use a break.

Dear T,
The exchange at the end of session meant a lot to me. You: "I'll see you Friday." Me: "I'll see you then." You: "Yes, you will." You get my fears and uncertainty. You'll see me somehow, whether in person or on my computer screen. Please stay healthy. I need you to help me through all this. Well, and I love you.
--LT

Please write me back. I really need you and to know what you think. I don’t know what to do.

Dear T,
I hope you weren't annoyed by my email. I was just trying to share something positive and appreciative. But you're probably dealing with so much stuff from clients now (like figuring out scheduling, telehealth vs. in-person, etc.) that I hope you won't see it as one more obligation, another thing being thrown at you. No need to reply (I should have said that), though of course would be nice to get a "Thanks for sharing." But you can just as easily tell me that next session, too. I think as long as you acknowledge it in some way, at some point, it's all good.

Love,
LT

ETA: And I think part of why I shared that is to sort of remain accountable for having that hope. Does that make sense? Like, I told you about the positive stuff, because it somehow helps me hold onto it better.

Huh. Looks like we are stuck with each other. No one else is stupid enough to work me and I am stupid enough to continue working with you. Onwards and upwards!

Dear T,
Thanks for the, uh, thanks and well wishes.
Love you,
LT

You asked if I could change my session time and said you would email me a new provisional one for next thursday morning, but I think I just have this feeling that you're going to forget me.

You coughed all over me and now I'm sick! You're the worst! I can't believe you actually asked if I was cancelling when I told you I have a fever and a cough! Of course I'm cancelling! And if I wasn't, it scares me that you would have allowed me to come anyway!

T who isn't my T,

You've opened Pandora's box. I'm writing a list of personal questions I want to ask you.

I have no idea how we are going to deal with this but I need to see you desperately.

Dear T,
Part of me says I should do a remote session with you tomorrow, but part of me still wants to come in. I'm glad you said it could be a gametime decision. I kind of want to see what the news is saying and just how I'm feeling about it all. I feel connected enough to you right now that I think a video session would be OK. And I guess we could try it, and if it seems really weird, if you're still willing to go in on Monday, maybe I could try seeing you in person then? But I'll deal with that when it comes to it. I imagine if I go into it expecting it to feel weird, then...it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose. So perhaps I'll give it a try, especially considering I'm running to a store today.

Love,
LT

I don't want to call. I"m in over my head and I don't know what to do. I want to let the emotions out but I.... then my eyes water and the screen gets hard to see.
I called once and talked with a colleague. It did help some but as soon as I try to get things done, WHAM another bout comes. I am so tired I'd rather fall asleep and not deal with all these problems. I wish my NP would call. My chest hurts too much. and it has been off and on for 24 hours. This anxiety has got to come to an end. What will that take??

What do I need?

Thanks for all the time and energy you put into dealing with my insurance company. I'm really glad we get to continue twice a week.
It was nice to get to see you for at least part of the session, even with all the technical difficulties (and feline difficulties).

I hate teletherapy.

Dear T,
Feeling sad about doing a video session later today. Had I not gone to get the guinea pigs yesterday, I probably would have just come in. But I'm paranoid that, even though the place and I followed best practices for social distancing, I picked it up and could potentially pass it to you. And I could never forgive myself if you ended up hospitalized or worse because of me. (Even though I guess I could never know if it was from me or another client or some other source.) I hope the video session goes OK, as the way things are sounding, it could end up having to be this way for a long time...
Love,
LT

I could see the love in your eyes. I trust you implicitly, more than I have ever trusted anyone by a long shot. I want you to be okay more than anything else.

I dreamt with you. I miss you, but I will never say that to you.

My anxiety has been better today, but I still just can't shake this feeling that something is going to happen.

I do wish I wasn't stuck where I was and back at the house with my siblings.

Despite sending you a nonsense email, I still think you won't get back to me with timings for thursday. I did agree to the thusday slot but I actually also hated seeing you on fridays when we did that as it felt like the whole week had already gone by.

Dear T,
Sorry for the email. I'm just having a lot of trouble coping. And it just didn't feel that connected today. Like you said the right things, it's just the past few sessions have felt *really* connected, so this just paled in comparison, and being via video just exacerbated that. I mean, I know it was *you* because I saw you, But it didn't feel like "us," I guess, if that makes sense. Maybe it will just take more time to feel the connection over a computer screen--yet I do sort of wonder if phone could be better in some ways... I just wish I had some sense of how long this was going to last. A couple weeks? A couple months? Six months? More? This is just so ****ing hard, and it would be really hard even if I was still seeing you in person regularly, but the fact that I can't/shouldn't do that right now makes it considerably harder.

I miss you, the in-person you.
Love,
LT