Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

i'm seriously starting to wonder if you are 'too busy' for me. i mean, a seven-week wait just for your first available opening?!? dude, i'll talk myself out of even going if that s**t continues

Looks like I'm going to end up attending that course in Professional Lost mode after all.
Wednesday's session left me feeling very rattled.

I don't want to lose that hug

I'm worried now that you are going to have to cancel a bunch bc of the coronavirus/schools being closed. I already see you less. I know, #firstworldproblem, but it still sucks.

I hate them too. I have mine coming up in about a month along with my first bone density test. Meh.

L,
I'm so mad at you for leaving during such uncertain times! And I'm so so worried about you, if you'll get stuck in that city, if you'll be able to get the supplies you need, if you're okay... Please be okay! Please come back! Please don't leave me

Now do you understand why I stockpiled food and necessities 2 weeks ago even though you kept telling me “the news said not to do that right now!”?

Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.

I don't usually worry if you don't answer an email - but please answer this one. Thank you!

Thanks for coughing all over me, you jerk!

Dear T,
I got rather emotional over a song while driving home today, like it seemed weirdly appropriate for Covid-19 fears. Now I sort of want to play it for you tomorrow. Will ponder it... Bonus: It's pretty short!
Love,
LT

L,
We're going to miss our anniversary!!! I'm so sad

Absolutely devastated, but what I can I say to you? It's not your fault. I KNEW something was going to happen today, I just knew it. I am too upset to reply because you're in a difficult situation and anything I say will just worsen it, so I will say nothing. However I am going to take this time to consider what happens now because I can't allow myself to die a little each time you can't see me. I am too attached to you with no one in person to talk to about the pain of it and I just can't deal with it anymore. I think I'd rather be alone.

The uncertainty is driving me nuts.

You are old and you should self-isolate. In fact, you should be considered a public health hazard regardless of current containment measures.

I'm trying not to, but increasingly wanting to, call you for a one-off session just to talk about the panic and fear surrounding this COVID-19 thing and my anxiety from it. You're probably really busy right now because of the rampant fear... so that's why I'm trying not to... I know without a doubt that you'd make time for me whether you really have it to spare or not and I don't want you to have to do that. You're almost 70 and you need to be taking really good care of yourself esp right now.

Artie bean,

She might have had a lot of cancellations who knows.It's up to her to manage her schedule.

Agreed, my T said he's expecting some cancellations this week (even with offering video meetings).

First world problems:

I've realized now that it's actually school that really gets me down. I feel so much guilt when I'm not studying.I haven't been feeling well either and spent a good 4 hours just in bed.

ENT exam on the thursday and I'm struggling with wanting to self harm. I'm not ready and I'm scared. Other's are really sick and I'm crying about my exam as usual. After this it would be anesthesiology then orthopedics left. Two more huge exams.

I feel like I don't have a right to live. I do hate myself three years of therapy hasn't changed that.

I don't want a witness.

(BTW 705 SH free days )

Dear Amazing T,

You said to reach out, you said we could talk. I know it is the weekend, but you said. And you have been gone the last two weeks. Please talk to me.

I’m afraid for Tuesday. You’re going to ask me about the pills and H can’t overhear that. I have to find my headphones.

Nothing is going to be the same again. My heart is well and truly obliterated.

Fine, I'll try video. But just so you know a major factor in the decision was that you'll get to "meet" my cat and see how I interact with him.

There is too much uncertainty around. I want to email to see if you are still there. But you probably have your hands full.

That really upset me.
You have no idea what it's like to have felt this way since childhood. You have no idea what it's like to have to fight this every single day. You have no idea what it's like to live with this.
Don't you dare tell me you feel like you want me to get better more than I do. Don't you dare act like I'm not trying. It's easy for you to want this when you haven't been pushing this boulder up a hill every ****ing day for the last 15 years.

Dear Pastor T: Should I tell you that I was paranoid last week that you were going to hurt me? And that I think the hospital implanted a tracking device in me? Or will that freak you out and make you send me to the hospital which is the very last place I want to go to. Kit