[hangingon]

I have been having a really hard time in therapy lately and have had a few emails back and forth with my T about some of this, even tried a letter in session to try to bring some of this into session but it didn't turn out the way I would have liked. I felt such frustration from my T. Yet, she tells me she is not angry with me. I know I need to trust that but some of her comments or the way she says them lead me to believe other wise. I am trying very hard to take her word for it.

In session Thursday she said to me, you test me alot. It's as if your looking to find something wrong to say see you failed me. In reality I know that is true. I do do that, I need to know she is safe, really safe, and that she is going to be there for me when or if I really need her. I need lots of reassurance from her. While not all her client's need that, I do I am sure that stems from my background. I have an extremely hard time trusting anyone and have always had surface level friendships for as long as I can remember.

My T even asked me who she reminds me of, I said no one. I think the word transference may have been looming in her mind. Sometimes I think the relationship does remind me of my relationship with my mom. She was there but never really there, she was never comforting, or reassuring. When I did get a hug from her it was always me who initiated it. I never knew what mood she was going to be in from day to day (so I was always on alert) and I was always worried about having to take care of her because of how horrible my step dad was to her. I told my T I need lots of reassurance before but I am not sure if she gets that. She asked me what I needed from her to show she cared and I didn't even know what to say. I feel like if I have to say it, then it's not really genuinely coming from her. Does that make sense? Then again, if I don't tell her, how will she know? This loop is horrible.

Anyways, it's only in this past year that I have begun a friendship with someone where I have been able to let more of me out so to speak. It's scary because of my fear of abandonment but at the same time feels good to.

I told my T that even with her I am afraid to let all this out only to have to part in the end. It's my same fear in relationships. I feel safer keeping all of this stuff to myself, yet at the same time hate doing that as well because I want to have intimate relationships.

Near the end of session I looked at her and told her that I am really sorry I am so hard on her. That I realize I am hard on her and don't mean to be that way.

Does anyone else find it completley difficult to trust their therapist? Do you find it so difficult to connect with them for fear of being hurt?

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I have been having a really hard time in therapy lately and have had a few emails back and forth with my T about some of this, even tried a letter in session to try to bring some of this into session but it didn't turn out the way I would have liked. I felt such frustration from my T. Yet, she tells me she is not angry with me. I know I need to trust that but some of her comments or the way she says them lead me to believe other wise. I am trying very hard to take her word for it.

In session Thursday she said to me, you test me alot. It's as if your looking to find something wrong to say see you failed me. In reality I know that is true. I do do that, I need to know she is safe, really safe, and that she is going to be there for me when or if I really need her. I need lots of reassurance from her. While not all her client's need that, I do I am sure that stems from my background. I have an extremely hard time trusting anyone and have always had surface level friendships for as long as I can remember.

My T even asked me who she reminds me of, I said no one. I think the word transference may have been looming in her mind. Sometimes I think the relationship does remind me of my relationship with my mom. She was there but never really there, she was never comforting, or reassuring. When I did get a hug from her it was always me who initiated it. I never knew what mood she was going to be in from day to day (so I was always on alert) and I was always worried about having to take care of her because of how horrible my step dad was to her. I told my T I need lots of reassurance before but I am not sure if she gets that. She asked me what I needed from her to show she cared and I didn't even know what to say. I feel like if I have to say it, then it's not really genuinely coming from her. Does that make sense? Then again, if I don't tell her, how will she know? This loop is horrible.

Anyways, it's only in this past year that I have begun a friendship with someone where I have been able to let more of me out so to speak. It's scary because of my fear of abandonment but at the same time feels good to.

I told my T that even with her I am afraid to let all this out only to have to part in the end. It's my same fear in relationships. I feel safer keeping all of this stuff to myself, yet at the same time hate doing that as well because I want to have intimate relationships.

Near the end of session I looked at her and told her that I am really sorry I am so hard on her. That I realize I am hard on her and don't mean to be that way.

Does anyone else find it completley difficult to trust their therapist? Do you find it so difficult to connect with them for fear of being hurt?

(((hangingon)))

Yes, I have had a TREMENDOUSLY hard time trusting my T. It's more about my fear of her rejecting me or not believing me or thinking im crazy, or judging me or thinking she is just going to tell me to get over it. My fear does keep me from connecting fully with her. My T tries really hard to connect with me and I push her away with my "intellect". I once told T, I am sorry I am being difficult. I apologized sooo many times. Finally, T said, it's okay, I don't think you mean to be.

You are not the only one, hangingon. I am sure everyone here has experienced or is.

Perhaps you can talk to T a little more about this.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My T even asked me who she reminds me of, I said no one. I think the word transference may have been looming in her mind. Sometimes I think the relationship does remind me of my relationship with my mom. She was there but never really there, she was never comforting, or reassuring. When I did get a hug from her it was always me who initiated it. I never knew what mood she was going to be in from day to day (so I was always on alert) and I was always worried about having to take care of her because of how horrible my step dad was to her. I told my T I need lots of reassurance before but I am not sure if she gets that. She asked me what I needed from her to show she cared and I didn't even know what to say. I feel like if I have to say it, then it's not really genuinely coming from her. Does that make sense? Then again, if I don't tell her, how will she know? This loop is horrible.

Anyways, it's only in this past year that I have begun a friendship with someone where I have been able to let more of me out so to speak. It's scary because of my fear of abandonment but at the same time feels good to.

Does anyone else find it completley difficult to trust their therapist? Do you find it so difficult to connect with them for fear of being hurt?

Oh, hanginon! Even though our backgrounds are so different...lots of this resonates with me. I have been with my T for two years...and we still talk about me being nervous, and she still says that she thinks I don't believe anyone can help me. We are still working on trust.

I too had to gauge my mother's moods. I never knew if it would be a day where she would be happy and in a good mood and I could be myself, or if it was a day where she was angry and I just tried to be as invisible as possible to avoid making her more mad.

My T also loveeess to bring about any issue I have where I'm afraid of something she'll say, or a reaction I am afraid of right back to my childhood. Whenever I bring something up that I am afraid of, she'll go "Does this feeling of X remind you of anything?" More often than not, I shrug and say "No."

I get what she's doing--by making me see that it isn't her I'm responding to, but my own past...maybe it will make it easier to get through? I don't know. But sometimes I would love it if she just said "I won't get mad at you. I won't get fed up." And she has in certain ways---I think my brain doesn't let me really process that.

Just this past week I brought up very difficult stuff tht I was afraid that she was going to get fed up with me. She asked me directly if I ever felt that she was fed up....and I had to say no. I can't really ever remember her acting like it, but it doesn't mean she won't! She explained the difference of her getting frustrated at the fact that SHE can't help me being less anxious and open up more. That if she recommends maybe I try another T (she did that once), its because she wants me to get the best care possible.

At the end of the last session, she lowered her voice and goes "I am not going anywhere." I just sat there with such heavy feelings for a few seconds before I could get myself off that couch. I have to believe that.

Anyway--its ok if you still are testing her! My T has said pretty much the same thing, except she used the words "Pushing her"...and I think she is just pointing it out because she did not say it with any sort of defensiveness in her voice at all, and I am an expert and finding that. She has also mentioned that I don't believe anyone can help me...and yet she continues to try..and doesn't act defensive about that either. Like its not my fault. Weird!

Keep going, keep trying. I KNOW how frustrating it is. I've spent two years being frustrated. From everything you posted about ftt, she is amazing. She has shown so many ways how much she cares and understands you. I am with you along this journey, hangingon.

[WePow]

Safe hugs to you!! Yes, trust is a hard thing to build once a person lives in abuse. I learned from my first round of therapy many years ago that I do look for the smallest thing that may sound harsh from T - something I can say "SEE! T will harm me too!"
I know now that I do this, so I try to just accept that it is the way I see the world through a shattered soul.

Now though I can at least try to ignore those things that hurt me internally that I pick up on. But yeah, still I do hold onto the small details and try to use them to keep myself emotionally distant from T. For example, as I was going through the post about the cute things T has done, and I was enjoying reading others post about their own T, I was thinking about the things my T has done that are starting to endear him to me.

Well wouldn't you know that as soon as I started reading stuff about gifts to T in that thread that I was highly triggered! I had to sign off for a while and go take a shower. It is all because a few sessions ago he mentioned some small gifts other clients gave him and I had already given him a few small things - music CD and books related to DID that I thought would help him understand my DID since it is not his area - but I don't want a different T. Anyway, I brought in a small stress ball that I bought the day before thinking he would like one - it was on sale and just a couple dollars. But he responded with a sharp sudden "no gift" statement that caught me off guard emotionally. He let me "give" it to him indirectly by adding it to the therapy box for all clients to use for tactile stuff. But for some reason, it stuck in me as a rejection - a very deep one at that. In fact, I don't think I would ever be able to tell him about it. And it kinda did put a thin wall emotionally up.

But I know it is me trying to avoid getting close. It was just something to use as a tool to accomplish that protection I thought I needed.

So yes, I do it too. Thank you for the post!